• These photos were taken a year ago on Christmas morning. We loved how Daniel had grown and developed from the year before. It was pure pleasure to share in his belief, anticipation and joy.
    (It is pure hell to know that he died only 12 days after this perfect morning)
  •  It doesn’t work for us (Henry, Alecia and I) to try and do things in the way we did when we had Daniel, but now without him. It just creates a painful awareness of our loss. We find it easiest when life happens differently and in new environments. So Henry and Alecia spent Christmas with their father and his family and I went to visit a friend in Austria where I attended the Christmas Mass in a beautiful cathedral in Vienna. Tears were streaming down my face, like rivers of sorrow and I was touched by the kindness of a stranger, who reached out and held my hand throughout the service.
  • I bought the most beautiful Christmas decorations I could get to send to Daniel’s grave. Crystal stars and silver bells with little soldiers to stand guard. I believed the gesture to be minute and meaningless in comparison to the reality but I did it nevertheless.
  • I didn’t send any Happy Christmas sms messages to my friends – I really didn’t know what to say. For the same token I know many friends didn’t know what to say to me which is really okay, I understand the dilemma but I was touched by everyone who still included me as a “normal” person on their sms list. My heart was warmed by your messages.
  • The 3 penguins was part of a Christmas display outside a shop in Vienna. It was possible for me to buy them and I like to think that it came from Daniel to Henry, Alecia and to his Mama.


Painting of a woman with her dead child by: Käthe Kollwitz
Words from: Kindertotenlieder (Songs on the Death of Children)

Now I see well, why with such dark flames
in many glances you flash upon me
O Eyes: as if in one look
to draw all your strength together

I didn't realise, because a mist surrounded me
woven of tangled destinies
that your beam was already returning homewards to the place
from which all rays emanate.

You would tell me with your brightness:
We would gladly stay with you!
Now that is denied to us by Fate.

Look at us, soon we will be far away!
What are only eyes to you in these days,
in the coming night shall be your stars.
Nun seh' ich wohl, warum so dunkle Flammen
Ihr sprühtet mir in manchem Augenblicke.
O Augen, gleichsam, um in einem Blicke
Zu drängen eure ganze Macht zusammen.

Doch ahnt' ich nicht, weil Nebel mich umschwammen,
Gewoben vom verblendenden Geschicke,
Daß sich der Strahl bereits zur Heimkehr schicke,
Dorthin, von wannen alle Strahlen stammen.

Ihr wolltet mir mit eurem Leuchten sagen:
Wir möchten nah dir immer bleiben gerne!
Doch ist uns das vom Schicksal abgeschlagen.

Sieh' recht uns an, denn bald sind wir dir ferne!
Was dir noch Augen sind in diesen Tagen:
In künft'gen Nächten sind es dir nur Sterne.

The original Kindertotenlieder were a group of 428 poems written by Friedrich Rückert in 1833–34 in reaction to the illness (scarlet fever) and death of his two children Luise and Ernst. These poems became singular, almost manic documents of the psychological endeavor to cope with such loss. In ever new variations Rückert's poems attempt a poetic resuscitation of the children that is punctuated by anguished outbursts. But above all the poems show a quiet acquiescence to fate and to a peaceful world of solace.These poems were never intended for publication.

The composer Gustav Mahler selected five of Rückert's poems to set as Lieder, which he composed between 1901 and 1904. The songs are written in Mahler's late-romantic idiom, and like the texts reflect a mixture of feelings: anguish, fantasy resuscitation of the children, resignation. The final song ends in a major key and a mood of transcendence.

The poignancy of the cycle is increased by the fact that four years after he wrote it, Mahler lost his daughter, Maria, aged four, to scarlet fever. He wrote to Guido Adler: "When I wrote the music I placed myself in the situation that a child of mine had died. When I really lost my daughter, I could not have written these songs any more."

Remembering Daniel

Dearest Daniel

I spent today, 11 months after you left our world, looking through your photos, remembering how wonderful everything was with you...

The day that you were born....

And when you were 6 months old

When it was your first birthday (my Blue Bulls baby!)

And to love a messy 2 year old...

My cool dude 3 year old...

And the last photo that I have of you, taken 6 days before you died.....

You are so special, my Angel and I love you more than words can say.
I kiss you and hold you close, deep within my heart
and connected to my soul. As always.

Without Our Children

Our months, become weeks and then we will be counting days, before the hours, minutes and finally seconds until a year is reached without our children.

In one month and one day I will be without Daniel for a year. For my online friend Denise, there are only a few more days left before being a year without her daughter Angie.

I wish I knew what to say to a mother who suffered through her first year of loss and agony. She who knows just like I do, that this pain is not going to end soon. I can only hold her in my thoughts and I pray that she will be surrounded by love and peace but most of all may she feel her Angie closest to her heart.
The words are from the song Tattva by Kula Shaker, for Angie and her Ma…and as always, for Daniel:

Tattva, acintya bheda abheda tattva

Like the flower and the scent of summer, like the sun and the shine
Well the truth may come in strange disguises, send a message to your mind

At the moment that you wake from sleeping, and you know it's all a dream
Well the truth may come in strange disguises, never knowing what it means

For you shall be tomorrow, like you have been today

All Around Us

When I started this blog, I found writing or talking about my pain therapeutic. And I could cry. Now I find my pain so intense and complex that it just unsettles me to talk or even think about it. When I cry it happens without tears or sobs, it feels as how if my body has stopped reacting to the pain in my soul, it is a pain of longing and despair, of how it feels to have lost Daniel.

This photo was taken on 25 December 2005 - my first Christmas day with Daniel, now I am facing my first Christmas day without him.

My wish is to spend the day with purpose and in peace - I have never been attracted to any mainstream Christmas celebrations and after the death of my child my perspective on what I believe is real and important is even more clear.

Namaste. Let love be all around us.

Dear David
Bozho Nikan
Thank you for healing me
I greet you in peace

Daniel's Favourite Things

Shape : A heart
Feeling : To go down a slide... WIIIEEEEEE

PC Game : Little People ABCD and Monster Inc Scare Island
Ice Cream : Moo Cow Chocolate Ice Cream

Big Animal : Elephant or when he just started to talk "Attetoo"
Barney DVD : Barney Zoo (with the Elephants :)

Clothing Brand : Naughty Company Children's Wear

Time with Henry : Playing ball or Playstation
Time his Mom : Shopping!
Time with Alecia : Bubble Baths, Extreme sports

Winnie The Pooh character : Tigger;  spelled " T-I-double-guh-err"

Imaginary Friend : Rhoda…(he never said if it was a boy or girl)

Nursery Rhyme : 10 Little Monkeys
Nursery Song : Old McDonald in every form and flavour, CD set on repeat...E-I-E-I-O.. E-I-E-I-O
Story Book : Rainbow Rob about a little penguin who explores the rainbow

Pop Song : Heartbreaker
TV Show : Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Reptile : A Lizard, although he also liked the other reptiles just not frogs (to my big relief)
Colour : Another mystery as he never told us. My best guess would be yellow

Emotion : Love

One Word

From a recent email exchange between me and a close friend, first his question:

"Your blog entry left me in a contemplative mood - are you afraid that you will ever forget Daniel, the emotional bridge between you both, the joy with him... Since you feel that your life is changing a bit. May be I fully misunderstood your notes, but for me, it was like you feared that Daniel and your memories would fade away?"

And my reply :

You know me so well because that is pretty close to what I feel....

Reluctant Artist

I shared before how Daniel had his own ideas around making pictures: either on the computer, else with a camera or you must get someone to do it for you, like this picture where Daniel was strictly directing exactly how and what Henry had to draw.

This next picture Daniel made when he was 2 and a half years old. I bought a book for someone as a gift and after writing our message inside the cover I gave the pen to Daniel so that he could also write something…and so it happened that my reluctant little artist finally decided to draw his first self portrait.

 (And it only took four months for this picture to also become the last and only Daniel self image ever.)


A picture of my love, my life, my dreams, heart and soul.

I Am You And You Are Me

Dearest Daniel

My entire being still aches for you, all the same and my thoughts are constantly filled by you, sometimes with memories and sometimes with dreams.

Please stay close to me, my Darling. I feel so torn between my children on earth and my angel in heaven, without an answer and afraid of all my possible futures. Life and death have become strange concepts and to stop my mind from spiraling into darkness, I believe without seeing reason and without understanding.

I miss how beautiful you are, to hear you talking, to wake up with you, to see you discover the world. I miss YOU and the feeling I have for you is a deep, powerful emotion, something greater and better than love – it is a confirmation that our souls will forever be bound, as mammadaniel, in all the worlds to come and beyond the end of time.

I hold you and kiss you in my dreams tonight and always be well my precious Pikkewyntjie as I am you and you are me.


Sunny Slice Of Magic

From the biography of the late actor Anthony Quinn, about his son Christopher who also died of drowning. This paragraph is a portrayal of my own feelings and gives a perfect description of Daniel too:
"He was like a fantastic fulcrum, around which our world could tilt and turn. It was incredible to me, and quite wonderful, the way our entire household pulsed to his doings, the way he could fill a room even in his sleep. He was everything – my flesh, my love, my hope for the future. He loved unconditionally. He was all we talked about, and all that mattered. He was, truly, a delightful child. Most proud fathers could toss off the same line without thinking about it, but I have thought about it. I think about it still, and I do not say it lightly. Christopher was a sunny slice of magic, gifted to us when we needed him the most and taken from us long before we were through."

About Happiness

Re-establishing my ability to enjoy life turned out to be a journey on its own filled with contradicting emotions and ideas. My list below is a random mixture of my thoughts and feelings about finding personal happiness in my world without Daniel.
  • To be happy is not as easy and clear as it was before Daniel died, it has become a complex, confusing and often impossible emotion. It feels completely wrong to be happy but it is still so essential to my well being.
  • I am aware that it is very normal for bereaved parents to feel guilty whenever they feel happy and I know all the reasons why to release the guilt but I cannot overcome the strong sense inside me that any happiness in my life will reduces from the severity of the tragedy caused by Daniel’s drowning. It feels as if my sadness is testimonial to the depth of my loss and that the only way to stay loyal to the love I have for Daniel would be to continue to mourn his death.
  • It is okay with me that it will be a different happiness that I will find because regardless of what good fortune may cross my path, I will never feel so resolved and deeply content as I felt while I shared my life with Daniel.
  • There was something unique and very special about Daniel’s love and I will never be able to put to words how it really was with Daniel and how it really is without him. Whenever I talk with Henry and Alecia about Daniel, we always say that no one but us will ever completely understand how broken we are. Daniel was far far more than just my child or their baby brother. He was our world and centre of our happy togetherness as a family.
  • On the day of Daniel’s funeral I made a promise to myself that I will do my best to live what is left of my life as happy as I could possibly be and that I promised that I would not allow sorrow to destroy me. At the time, I was in such a deep state of shock that it felt quite possible and achievable. As the disbelief and initial devastation subsided to make place for the reality I often doubt my ability to fulfill this promise.

Love Me Too

Dearest Daniel

I still think of you all the time and the pain in my being is ever present. I remember our special moments together with so much clarity that if I close my eyes I can imagine you being with me.

I remember... we sang the Barney song together

I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug
and a kiss from me to you
won't you say...
YOU LOOOOVE MEEEE TOOO you would put your little arms around me saying "Sowwy Mamma" whenever you thought I was sad about something. I you could do it today, it will once again take away all my sadness. Oh my darling, I miss you so much. you insisted that your feet be open when you slept. every single light had to be switched off when you went to bed and that the only light you allowed would moonlight shining over us.

I look at the moon and the stars and I feel our love binding us together. My Angel child, I will cry about you until we are together again.

I love you
From your Mamma

My Heart's Desire

Our journey from life on earth to death to a renewed life in the next world will always be wrapped in mystery and there are many dogmas mainly based on religion, quantum physics or New Age spirituality about the afterlife. After Daniel had died I felt it was important for me to find more information about these beliefs but nothing was substantial enough to change my view that we cannot factually conceptualise something that is ultimately unknown.

I also have seen many poems and other inspirational pieces about our angel children in heaven – written out of love and from the heart with the intention to bring comfort rather than to give an academic insight.

About a week ago I saw this quote on Andrea's page No Empty Chairs, touching my heart possibly more than anything else that I ever have read about our eternal life. I cannot say that I intellectually agree with or specifically believe in this doctrine as taught by Joseph F Smith but his words will stay with me as a message of beauty, peaceful and heartwarming.
"The infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.' There is restitution, there is growth, and there is development, after the resurrection from death."
Andrea who has lost her little boy Wyatt added to it by saying "I love this truth. It speaks volume of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."

I know why I am so attracted to this learning. It is because nurturing Daniel was the most joyous, pleasurable and satisfactory experience that I will ever have and there nothing that I would want more than being given another chance to take care of Daniel.

Expecting Daniel

Being pregnant with Daniel…
  • The photo was taken of me and Henry, four days before Daniel was born, not that I had any idea that his birth was so close – he wasn't expected in at least another few weeks
  • The close bond between me and Daniel was formed while he was still in my womb when I was taught a self-hypnosis meditation technique specifically developed for expecting mothers to communicate with their unborn babies. Whenever I went into meditation to connect with Daniel he responded with special kicks. It filled me with the deepest of love and wonder to feel him making his "happy kicks" for me.
  • His name was already decided on but while he was growing in my stomach, we (me, Henry and Alecia) lovingly called him D'alien. We couldn't wait for him to start his worldly journey and to see our little alien transform from the little thing on the ultrasound scans into our long awaited for baby brother.
Expecting Daniel was the most wonderful experience, as special as everything else was about him. I feel blessed that we were given the honour to be Daniel's family. He enriched our lives and he gave us in nearly four years, memories of pleasure, joy and happiness that will last a lifetime. Our love for him will never ever fade and we long for him every single day…our super special darling, the little D'Alien angel.


I am sitting at the airport waiting to go back to Cape Town after spending the past few days with my children. Most of the time with Henry and Alecia and only a short while with Daniel, weeping at his grave, desperate to have him back.

Henry and Alecia are making me so proud, like they always have. They are so positive and strong, loving and compassionate, coping with life after losing Daniel in many ways better than I do. We went shopping, listened to music, talked, laughed, remembered Daniel and telling each other that we will be okay.

Daniel is buried in a town two hours drive away from the nearest airport and from where Henry and Alecia stay and I went alone this morning to visit his grave. I have no words to say how it feels to start a two hour journey that will end at the children's section of a cemetery, where Daniel is only one of the many small heaps of ground.

It doesn't make sense for me to go to Daniel's grave because I feel nothing but sorrow being there and I will leave feeling hollow and empty because yet again, there was nothing more of Daniel to be found than any other time before. I know so well that death can't change but still my heart forces me to keep on going back - to the place where my time on earth with Daniel has stopped.

Our gifts for Daniel today were three pebble stones and small plant.

The stones are from a garden where Daniel loved to play. It belongs to one of my friends and whenever we visited his house it was with great pleasure that Daniel emptied the flower pots of all the pebbles. He threw them in the swimming pool or else he packed them on the paving to make interesting patterns. Blessings to our friend (who doesn't like to be named) for all the times that he patiently dived out stones from his pool and for never minding the disruption of his landscaped garden.

I bought the plant from a nursery. They asked me what type of plant I wanted and my request was that it be hardened enough to endure sun and wind and for it to have white flowers. I didn't say that it was for my child's grave and that it would be watered by my tears. Just thanked them for helping me.

That was today.

Silent Screams

I scream when I am alone in my car driving or when there is no one around, I would put my face in my pillow and scream….until my voice is hoarse and my throat is sore and my face wet from the tears; all with the hope that it will relieve the hurt inside me, to lessen the cropped up pain so suffocating and constantly burning.

Oh, my dearest dearest Danny boy.

Turtle Love

Daniel made this picture end October 2008.

How precious are these artworks from Daniel and how strong the knowledge that the little I have is all that there ever will be.

It was another one of the daily Daniel highlights when I would fetch him from school and before leaving we would first detour through the Noddy classroom so that he could proudly show me what he had created earlier that day.

I love anything that any of my children make and I carefully date it at the back not to forget but with Daniel this wasn't necessary. There was only 3 months of school in which he brought back his beautiful pictures.

I can imagine the concentration on his face as he worked and the little hands still developing the finer motor skills. I softly touch the picture knowing that Daniel's presence still lingers on the paper.


Please say a special prayer for Henry and Alecia. Similar to my own experience, does the reality that Daniel will never return becoming a cruel certainty to them, prominent in their minds and heart.

We all miss him, as always, more than words can say and it hurt me deep inside to read Alecia's words on Thursday:
" today I miss you so much, today all I want to do is to hold you hand, but reality crumbles like hardened sand today. There is an aching emptiness in my soul, a simple darkness, an irreplaceable hole forever in my head and in my heart. Your laughter is with me, it is all I hear "
My reply to her:

My dearest Lecia child, how I wish with all my heart to bring him back or to ease your longing. My love is with you and Danny will always be part of each one of us. Mom x x x


I sorted through some paperwork this morning and found in between the folder holding all the sympathy cards given to us when Daniel died. I opened and read some of them and my entire being filled with pain. There it was in writing, not only the harsh reality of our loss but also many confirmations of how special and precious Daniel (was) is.

I still go weekly to a therapist for counseling. My wonderful therapist is also concerned about intensity and depth of my sadness but how could it be anything easier or better? The bond between me and Daniel has always been extremely close and my soul is deeply wounded by the trauma of our physical separation combined with the cruelty of the betrayal that cost Daniel his life.

It is my will and my commitment to walk this path with courage and hope and to be the best mother I can be for Henry and Alecia. People often say to me that I must be happy because that is what Daniel would want and that Daniel wouldn't like to see me so sad and although I appreciate the intention and kindness behind those ideas, that is not really all that Daniel would want for me.

I know Daniel will completely understand and accept my pain and my tears. Yes, he would want me to be happy, but more to be a true person and most of all to live out my life as is just so difficult and draining to endure this constant all consuming pain. No cure. No relief. Just pain.

A Treasured Space

When I think of this web page with my story about Losing Daniel and of a Facebook group named RIP Daniel Starbuck - I know that they are two of the things that I never ever wanted, not in a million years, but that wasn't for me to decide.

I also think of how much my blog and Daniel's group mean to me. They are "Daniel spaces" and much treasured because that is where Daniel can still be part of my ongoing life, also where people can meet Daniel, even get to know him and for us who love him so much somewhere we can be close to him.

Every person who is a member of Daniel's group on Facebook or who reads this blog is special as you keep the memory alive; and to find a new blog comment or an encouraging message is so often a lifeline, a gift of light and strength to help me through the next dark moment.

The past few weeks have really been difficult for me, feeling like a re-run of that early days, just after Daniel died, with my emotions and thoughts drenched in sorrow and longing but my heart is warm because love is all around me....

On a day, more sad than the other, my dear friend Denise, a sister in grief posted a poem for me in Daniel's group and then came the message from Angel, a mother who also knows the pain:

"This poem brought tears to my eyes and to know that it is all true and that we who have lost our children will see them again someday. I pray that I too learn my lessons so I may go home and see my son, sister and other loved ones who have passed on before me. I pray Ali that your pain will ease and become bearable because I know it will never go completely away. I pray that like me you will see your darling Daniel when you close your eyes and are able to talk to him and hold him in your arms in your dreams. God Bless You "

My Children

May the world treat Henry and Alecia well, now and in times to come, with kindness and good fortune because they are so undeserving of the sorrow, agony and pain unfairly bestowed upon them. They accepted Daniel into their world unconditionally, unselfishly and with the deepest of love, his needs always came first, he was their most loved, their pride and joy, more than precious.

I pray for my two children to heal, to find peace and for God to bless them with love and light.


About Henry and Daniel:
  • Henry was 12 when Daniel was born
  • The teachers at Henry's school commented that they had never seen a teenage boy so proud and caring over a baby
  • When Daniel started to talk he said "Neni" for Henry, we followed suit and to this day Henry is our Neni
  • Henry and Daniel loved to kick ball together and it was a daily ritual for them to play outside in the late afternoon before Daniel's bath time
  • Henry taught Daniel to play playstation, sometimes Daniel really played and sometimes he just sat on Henry's lap with the extra control not plugged in thinking that he (Daniel) also was busy playing
  • Daniel loved playing Monsters Inc or Yugioh with Henry on the PC, he also loved to play with Henry's Yugioh cards and to look at all the monsters and mermaids
  • Henry had a book with the collected fairy tales of the Grimm Brothers next to his bed so that he could read for Daniel. They lay together while Henry would read a story and then they would each choose a character and make up their own story.
  • Henry meticulously packed away all the special toys that he had outgrown, for when Daniel was older. Henry often said how much he looked forward to give and share the pleasure of all his boy treasures with Daniel; his collection of Lego Bionicles, computer and playstation games, books, an extensive and rare Yugioh card collection.
  • When Daniel woke up on weekends or during school holidays he went to fetch Henry so that they could snuggle on the couch and watch TV together, that is if Henry wasn't already on the couch.
  • On 13 January 2009 Henry carried the baby brother whom he loved more than anyone can imagine for the final time, not in his arms or on his shoulders like he used to do so often, as one of four men carrying a small white coffin...


Dearest Danny

I am sorry that I wrote so little last month, my pain was so deep and intense that I could not even come here to remember you or talk to you. Neni and Lecia came to visit me and it is so hard for us to be together without you. They love you with all their heart and soul and losing you is as devastating and painful for them as it for me .

Neni cannot even bear to talk about you, look at photos of you or listen to us talking about you and I feel so sad and worried about him carrying his pain so alone, deep deep inside his being. You were so close to each other and I made a list of things about you and your Neni to add to my post today.

Lecia longs for you in a way no 14 year old child should long for someone. You were her world, her everything and her life will also never be the same again. She asked to visit your grave a while ago and I took her to you and I will never forget how she curled up in a bundle on the ground, sobbing, hugging your tombstone, calling your name.

My heart is so broken, not only for you but just as much for Neni and Lecia.

We will never love you less my angel and we think of you every day, with the fondest of memories. You were really super super special.

I hold you in my arms and carry you in my heart.


From an email I received this week:

What's is your facebook status? Basically happy? Or what? How are you doing?

From my reply:

My facebook on Monday said “Alison is taking deep breaths” on Tuesday it said “Alison is crying a river” and on Wednesday “Alison treasures the love” and today it says “Alison hopes that good things will happen today”….. I am still so sad about Daniel and I miss him more and more and more.

I am really battling at the moment and I often think of the sea calling me. It will be so much easier to end it all oppose to try and cope with the pain. An unbearable pain without cure and without end. How is it humanly possible to live with this?

Everything else around me (work, friends, life) goes well but nothing can and ever will balance the scale. My sad reality.

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo was one of Daniel's favourite movies and although he knew that Nemo was a clownfish he also called all other orange fish Nemo's and when he just started to talk they were Memo's.

I was with Henry and Alecia on the airport a few days ago where I bought a little stuffed soft toy Nemo for Alecia to take with her when she goes back to school. We fondly remembered the day when I had to take Henry to the airport. It was just before Daniel turned three and he was very sad and upset because Henry had to go and as a consolation I offered to buy him a foil character balloon.

Daniel loved these balloons and to make it easier for him to choose I said that he could select two. He first chose a Nemo and then he wanted an identical Nemo as his second choice. I was surprised but he insisted that he wanted the 2 Nemo's.

I paid and gave him his balloons and then my heart melted because Daniel looked at me and gave me one of them saying that it was mine. He wanted us to both have the same balloons because we were mammadaniel.

I know that I will keep on searching and keep on calling Daniel's name past the barriers of this life and into the worlds to come until the time that I can also say that I have found my child again.

Six Months

Dearest Daniel

I have started work again, six months after losing you. Everyone is happy for me and in a way I am happy too but I prefer the happiness I had with you. With you it was pure joy while this is a half happy mixed with a broken heart.

I look back at the last 6 months and see this empty space in time. I wonder how I managed to survive the personal tragedy of your death and how I came through the hellish days and lonely nights. How can I be alive knowing that you are dead? Knowing that you will never come back to this life of mine?

My fear is that I will forget some of the detail of the things you did and said, things like the one Winnie the Pooh pillow case that you called your "Winnie Pooh geldjie kussin". I am sure I would have forgotten about it had I not found a little list I made of the first of your things that I packed away after you died. Other items on the saddest list in the world are:

Your streep bers (striped blanket)
John Sena ball
Panda bear toothbrush
Henry's green dragon that you loved so much
Alecia's cream and pink soft toy cat

I pray that I will not forget a thing and that there is nothing about you erased from my memory forever…not that I will know

My darling, my dearest little Danieltjie, I miss you so much, more than words can tell. I want you, I want to be with you and I look forward for us to be together again.

I believe that you are okay where you are. I have to believe that with all my heart and soul. May that be true…that you are okay.

I still cry every day, when I am alone and when I drive in my car and a thousand times in between. I can't talk about you without tears in my eyes and it is most difficult to tell people that I have lost a precious child.

I love you. Always and I hold you my baby, closest to my heart and in my thoughts.
Mamma. Forever and ever.

Love Will Never Die

In the book April Fool's Day Bryce Courtenay celebrates the life of his son Damon and describes the difficulties of coming to terms with his tragic death.

The postscript was written by Celeste, Damon's girlfriend:

Most of the time, I am extremely happy. I feel as though I have received a beautiful blessing, something that will last all my life. Sometimes, however, I still deeply long for the physical Damon, even though I feel him close to me all the time. He and I engage in a constant silent dialogue, a dialogue of thoughts and feelings rather than of words and touches. Some days I feel hopelessly old and a bit too wise for my years. I feel marked by the weight of my experience, rather than uplifted by my learning and love. And then Damon will rush into my thoughts and I will smile and lose my seriousness and be just like anybody else again. The lovely smiling image I have of Damon will remind me that love is an energy - it can neither be created or destroyed. It just is and always will be, giving meaning to life and direction to goodness. Our love will never die.
I am not exactly where she is but many of her touching words ring true for me - if I ever will be extremely happy in this life again, I cannot believe as my extreme happiness died the day I lost my Daniel.

Sky Writing

Charles could not make it to be with his son last year on Father's Day so I took these pictures (plus a few more) to send together with the Father's Day card that Daniel had made.

Daniel loved his Jay-Jay Jet Plane DVD that Charles gave to him and like his dad, Daniel was completely fascinated with the sky and this was the card he made:

It was completely Daniel's own idea. I gave him paper and different art stuff. He selected the stars and pasted it all over then took the pen to write between the stars. He explained that it was sky writing ( like in Jay-Jay Jet plane.

Another special expression from a most special little boy.