Happy Birthday Dearest Daniel

Dearest Daniel

Today will always be your day, my Darling. We remember you and we miss you in every possible way. We try to imagine you turning seven, in a life where we haven't lost you. We cry, we ache, we long, we wish for you to still be here. But most of all we love you. We love you more than all the world and all the stars and everything else, forever and ever.

Have a happy birthday, precious Pikkewyntjie.

Mamma, Neni and Lecia.

Our Angel Our Star

Danny's funeral was today, three years ago. How I can hardly bear to write these words or to rationally think about the reality of what I am saying, that Daniel is dead, that we had a funeral for him and that he is lifeless buried l in a grave.

The paragraph to follow are from a book about a family who also lost their youngest child and brother, When a child dies by Jim O'Shea, the words could have been my own:

As they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease that pain, as the dark earth claimed their young brother.

Mama, Neni, Lecia and Daniel. The bond that holds us close and the love that we share can never be broken, no time or distance or death will ever come between us. Our love will always be dearest Daniel. Precious Pikkewyntjie. Our Angel. Our Star.

Three Years

From my Facebook page, 2 days ago:

Three years without Daniel. It feels like a lifetime and also like just a moment ago, still unreal but also too real and more sad than words can say. We miss him every day, every second and find our comfort in the love we share, a love that will always be.

From a Skype chat with a friend, 3 days ago:

[2012/01/05 06:57PM] Alison Starbuck:

 tomorrow will most probably feel more empty than sad

 but you never know

 i also learned that these things are unpredictable

 i will just take the day as it comes
 and do whatever feels easiest for me
 i think i will be ok

From my heart, today:

I know now that I will probably ok regardless. I have no choice, if I managed to survive 3 years, I will survive the rest of my life. As sad as it may be. Even if I feel sure that no one can survive a heart as broken as mine.

It doesn't seem right or makes logical sense to me but this is how it is.

And this time of every year will be the time that Daniel died. It is more than just one day that marks another 365 days without him. It is a feeling that stretches over days from before Christmas until after his birthday in the beginning of March. I miss him more, feel sadder and every sorrowful emotion I had since he died keeps on surfacing in my heart and in my mind. I don't know what more to say or what to do more than just somehow making it through the minutes, hours and days. Until another year.

Until I die too.

Little Bird

My Daniel

A little bird, a hole in my heart, an emptiness that cannot describe or understand, it feels so long and also so short. I miss you my Angel. Every moment of my life and with every breath I take. You know, I know. My tears. My sorrow. My wish that losing you wasn't true. A hopelessness and heartache too much to bear but somehow I do. I love you. I love you so much, as always and forever, my Daniel. Pikkewyntjie.

Mama xxx

When We Dream

 

When I am asked: "Alison, how are you doing?" I give all sorts of answers....

To someone who doesn’t know that I lost my Daniel and only ask me to be polite, I would say that I am fine. I know it is not true as I will never in my life be fine again but what else can I say?

To my friends that I haven’t seen in a while, I would say that life is treating me good and that I am as well as I possibly could be. Which is the truth. Or I will say that I am better and that I am doing ok. I omit that it is only a part of me that feels better and that I am doing ok only sometimes, not always.

But to really say how I am is difficult as I just don’t know. I am happy and I am sad together. It is an emotional paradox that leaves me confused and I find it too complex to unpack into something understandable. (So please forgive me if this post doesn’t make any sense, this would be why). 

I am happy because of those I call my loved ones – the people close to my heart who feel my pain and share in my laughter. I seek happiness and good moments not for myself but as something to give in return for the endless love, friendship and support I am receiving. Being happy (even while I am sad) is to show my gratitude and one of the best ways I can think of to say, I love you too.

And I am sad because I want my Daniel. I ache for him and for every day that I have lived so far without him. He is in my thoughts and in my heart all the time, regardless of what else I would be doing at the time. I cannot comprehend my future as even one more day without him feels impossibly long.

I often wonder how my life will unfold, if anything will change or if it will just be as it has been since I lost my child. Taking day by day, doing the things that need to be done while looking back in disbelief, wondering how I possibly made it this far with a heart as broken as mine and an inside ripped to pieces. No healing, no relief, no cure, just this unbearable pain.

I also know that Henry, Alecia, Daniel and I will always be. Nothing can destroy the love that we share or the bond that hold us close. We are more than everything and all that matters. 

We are us…MamaDanielLeciaNeni.

Like Moonlight

From: Beyond Reason; Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher (B Coville)

“Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people—they always go away, sooner or later. You can’t hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you,then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.”

Part of Me

A bit of where I am, nearly two and a half years after losing my Daniel (how it breaks my heart to think and to know of all these many days that I already have lived without my child).

Some days are better than others. I am not talking about the obviously very sad days like birthdays and anniversary days, I mean all the days in between are not the same. I may wake up and feel as overwhelmed by sorrow as I did that day when Daniel died. Or I may wake up and feel some lightness and peace woven into the sadness and it will be a happier day. Or I may feel it all in only one day.

There is no pattern to these different waves of emotion I experience and while there are times that my despair will be triggered by something that specifically reminds me of Daniel, the cause of my agony is mostly just my own awareness of my child’s death.

I mostly say that I’m okay when someone asks how I am. It is easier and less painful, for me and for the other person.

I am haunted by the day of Daniel’s death and the nightmare of having to relive every detail of it over and over again, and I am still unable to apply concepts of forgiveness, justice, right and wrong to my own , to Daniel’s death and to how Daniel’s father behaved towards me after Daniel’s death.

I am thankful for all the good in my life: my children, wonderful friendships to warm my heart, anything beautiful, moments of pleasure, things I enjoy, tiny steps towards peace, my dreams and hopes.

I miss Daniel. Two nights ago I fell asleep wrapped in Daniel’s blanket on a pillow wet with tears. I still hear his voice and I can recall every small detail of how he looked, the way his fingers folded into my hand, how his hair curled, how his skin felt, the exact shape of his legs, his sweet smell… my Daniel. I will always remember.

Namaste, dearest Daniel, my love for you will always be x x x

I Felt You Near

From: Papertissue

All The Time

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards:

...it is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.