Six Months

Dearest Daniel

I have started work again, six months after losing you. Everyone is happy for me and in a way I am happy too but I prefer the happiness I had with you. With you it was pure joy while this is a half happy mixed with a broken heart.

I look back at the last 6 months and see this empty space in time. I wonder how I managed to survive the personal tragedy of your death and how I came through the hellish days and lonely nights. How can I be alive knowing that you are dead? Knowing that you will never come back to this life of mine?

My fear is that I will forget some of the detail of the things you did and said, things like the one Winnie the Pooh pillow case that you called your "Winnie Pooh geldjie kussin". I am sure I would have forgotten about it had I not found a little list I made of the first of your things that I packed away after you died. Other items on the saddest list in the world are:

Your streep bers (striped blanket)
John Sena ball
Panda bear toothbrush
Henry's green dragon that you loved so much
Alecia's cream and pink soft toy cat

I pray that I will not forget a thing and that there is nothing about you erased from my memory forever…not that I will know

My darling, my dearest little Danieltjie, I miss you so much, more than words can tell. I want you, I want to be with you and I look forward for us to be together again.

I believe that you are okay where you are. I have to believe that with all my heart and soul. May that be true…that you are okay.

I still cry every day, when I am alone and when I drive in my car and a thousand times in between. I can't talk about you without tears in my eyes and it is most difficult to tell people that I have lost a precious child.

I love you. Always and I hold you my baby, closest to my heart and in my thoughts.
Mamma. Forever and ever.


Tracy said...

Well done Ally it is a huge step!!! Hope you meet lots of wonderful new friends at your new place of employment xxxxx

(via Facebook)

Michelle said...

ally, you are an inspiration to me...a woman of strength. as you said "love is stronger than death" xx

Tina said...

Dearest Alison,
your memory strikes me everytime I read your blog. It´s just amazing how many loving details you can recall. Love & Kisses to you and the kids.

Anonymous said...

Hi Alison,

I, too, am afraid of losing memories of my boy. I still cry every day, these two+ years later. I still remember things I'd forgotten until some miraculous moment when it comes back, simple things mostly, a word he used in a funny way, a line from a movie he loved, simple things, things I never want to forget.

When I went back to work, I was terrified of losing the time I spent just thinking about Owen. So, each workday, I held him in my heart quietly, and burst into tears before reaching the door at day's end. Now, I can usually make it to my car, sometimes almost all the way home before the sorrow hits. Few people know how hard it still is, the going to work, the acting like I'm okay with the world going on the way it does and always will. Yes, the grief has changed, and I don't find myself unable to function as often. There's that.

I think of you often and hope you are finding your way - and you are.