We Will Live In Birds And Flowers

"I'll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we'll cling together so tight that nothing and no one'll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you... We'll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams... And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they wont' just be able to take one, they'll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."


To keep on living after I have lost Daniel will never be easy. His death has left me with so many challenges (other than my sorrow and longing),difficulties that I have to deal with every day, soul torturing events that I must somehow survive, impossible hurdles that I need to clear on my journey towards some kind of renewed peace and healing.

One of these barriers blocking my way is forgiveness. I really want to forgive Daniel's father and stepmother and I have no doubt about whether I should do it or not but in the words of Rev Julie Nicholson whose daughter was killed in the 2005 London bombings, it will not be easy. She said that forgiving another human being for violating your child was almost beyond human capabilities. I know.

But I also know that to forgive the unforgivable is not impossible: The Forgiveness Project / The Catherine Blunt Foundation.

It is a just a process.

My Danny

"Perhaps they are not stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost ones
pours through and shines down upon us
to let us know they are happy."
- Eskimo Proverb -

Being 11 months old, Daniel went on a journey of discovering the content of kitchen cupboards. Oh, how I miss him, how I love him and how my heart still breaks for him every single day and night. I will never stop wanting him to come back home and I will never stop to feel the ache and the longing for my child, my darling baby, my Danny. 

To Treasure

This is Daniel's school report that he received in December 2008, after completing his very first term at school. I was (still am) so proud of him and looked forward to see him progress throughout his school career.

From the teacher's file, his Teacher Elize later also gave me her official progress report about Daniel. She wrote as follows:
Since Daniel has been a part of the Noddy class - late in 2008 he has made a lot of friends.

He is a friendly little boy who knows all his colours and shapes and even the ABS...all the way to Z.

He is happy to come to school and is very eager to see what we do each day.

See you again in 2009, Daniel!
But was never to be. Daniel died on the 6th of January 2009, the day before he would have gone back to school.

Cry Ever Tear

When hurt turns red and a piece of your heart is missing. When the cold bites deep and you’ve got that feeling like you just got out of surgery. When the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else but how you feel. When you count the tiles in the ceiling. When you push the earphones closer. When the first day of winter arrives. When you remember every nuance of every word of every time. When all this happens. Embrace it. Feel every feeling. Cry every tear. Sob every sob. Because this is what it feels like to have loved.