I sorted through some paperwork this morning and found in between the folder holding all the sympathy cards given to us when Daniel died. I opened and read some of them and my entire being filled with pain. There it was in writing, not only the harsh reality of our loss but also many confirmations of how special and precious Daniel (was) is.

I still go weekly to a therapist for counseling. My wonderful therapist is also concerned about intensity and depth of my sadness but how could it be anything easier or better? The bond between me and Daniel has always been extremely close and my soul is deeply wounded by the trauma of our physical separation combined with the cruelty of the betrayal that cost Daniel his life.

It is my will and my commitment to walk this path with courage and hope and to be the best mother I can be for Henry and Alecia. People often say to me that I must be happy because that is what Daniel would want and that Daniel wouldn't like to see me so sad and although I appreciate the intention and kindness behind those ideas, that is not really all that Daniel would want for me.

I know Daniel will completely understand and accept my pain and my tears. Yes, he would want me to be happy, but more to be a true person and most of all to live out my life as destined....it is just so difficult and draining to endure this constant all consuming pain. No cure. No relief. Just pain.


Anonymous said...

Hi Alison,

Thinking of you today!!!!

Yes - be the best mom that you can be to Henry and Alecia now and make Daniel proud as he watches you take the rest of your lifes journey - take care xxx

Denise said...

I know...you're so right..but we have to!

Anonymous said...

Dear alison,

You have overcome so many obstacles in the past and you will carry on doing so and every step you take Daniel is watching and urging you to go on, and let him be your strength from one step to the next..you have made and are still making an amazing testament to Daniels life. Take care xxx