Emotional Structures

Losing my child has changed the core structure of my emotions. Positive feelings like peace, hope and happiness that used to be simple and uncomplicated have become complex and intrinsically combined with an underlying sense of loss, guilt or confusion. And where before I could put reason and perspective to sadness, nothing can be done to divert or dilute the longing I feel. My sorrow is as deep and pure as I think any sorrow possibly can be. I will always want Daniel.

Sweet And Broken Dreams

We collected Daniel's things from storage last week, after nearly 19 months. It was something I wanted to do but I was also scared and I was not sure if I really was ready to open all those containers that I so randomly packed after Daniel had died. But I did it. I went through everything, took out the bits that I wanted and repacked the rest.

Some moments were heartbreakingly sad….his shoes still dusty from where he walked with me talking and holding my hand, his Winnie the Pooh school bag ready for the school year that never started, Christmas presents that he never was given a chance to play with, the Mickey Mouse cards that I bought our last time shopping together...

And some moments were painfully sweet...photos of him that I forgotten I had, a piece of paper with baby Daniel scribbles on it, the Dr Seuss books that Alecia read to Daniel so many times that the books and the "reading" became a mere formality as they both knew every word by heart.....

What can I see?
I see a bee.
Now a goat sees me!

An egg feels smooth.
A bush feels prickly.
Fluffy feathers feel soft and tickly!

A tasty lollypop!
Lovely cream!
Empty plate, licked clean!

I can hear a noise.
I can too.
What can we hear?
A king's KERCHOO!

Noses are for smelling.
Doughnuts smell sweet.
Lots of noses smelling owls' feet!

In total I believe it was the right time and the right choice to bring Daniel's things from storage. I feel lighter, more complete and some way closer to Daniel, which is good and difficult and painful.

I miss his physical presence, his breath, his life and in my heart I know the truth, the harsh reality that there is humanly nothing that anyone can do to ever substitute, repair or replace what Daniel, Henry, Alecia and I have lost.