I am sitting at the airport waiting to go back to Cape Town after spending the past few days with my children. Most of the time with Henry and Alecia and only a short while with Daniel, weeping at his grave, desperate to have him back.

Henry and Alecia are making me so proud, like they always have. They are so positive and strong, loving and compassionate, coping with life after losing Daniel in many ways better than I do. We went shopping, listened to music, talked, laughed, remembered Daniel and telling each other that we will be okay.

Daniel is buried in a town two hours drive away from the nearest airport and from where Henry and Alecia stay and I went alone this morning to visit his grave. I have no words to say how it feels to start a two hour journey that will end at the children's section of a cemetery, where Daniel is only one of the many small heaps of ground.

It doesn't make sense for me to go to Daniel's grave because I feel nothing but sorrow being there and I will leave feeling hollow and empty because yet again, there was nothing more of Daniel to be found than any other time before. I know so well that death can't change but still my heart forces me to keep on going back - to the place where my time on earth with Daniel has stopped.

Our gifts for Daniel today were three pebble stones and small plant.

The stones are from a garden where Daniel loved to play. It belongs to one of my friends and whenever we visited his house it was with great pleasure that Daniel emptied the flower pots of all the pebbles. He threw them in the swimming pool or else he packed them on the paving to make interesting patterns. Blessings to our friend (who doesn't like to be named) for all the times that he patiently dived out stones from his pool and for never minding the disruption of his landscaped garden.

I bought the plant from a nursery. They asked me what type of plant I wanted and my request was that it be hardened enough to endure sun and wind and for it to have white flowers. I didn't say that it was for my child's grave and that it would be watered by my tears. Just thanked them for helping me.

That was today.


Michael said...

I say a prayer for Daniel, stay strong Alison.

Alta said...

Thinking of u Alison, and for the strength that you need to grow stronger as time passes. x

Andrea said...

Thank you for the kind comment on our blog. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing the awful pain of losing your sweet Daniel. Oh, it's just so hard. Know that you are not alone. I continue to ache each and everyday for my Wyatt. It's a hard and long road we have to travel. I'm so sorry you are experiencing that same road. I will say an extra prayer for you today. I hope you feel some sort of comfort and feel your sweet Daniel near.
Sending my love and a hug your way. Again I am so sorry for you loss. It's just not fair and so very hard.
Wyatt's mommy

Natalie said...

Death is nothing at all - I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each, that we are still.Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it alway was. Let it be spoken without ... Read Moreeffort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before - only better, infinitely happier and for ever - we will all be together with CHRIST!