One Word

From a recent email exchange between me and a close friend, first his question:

"Your blog entry left me in a contemplative mood - are you afraid that you will ever forget Daniel, the emotional bridge between you both, the joy with him... Since you feel that your life is changing a bit. May be I fully misunderstood your notes, but for me, it was like you feared that Daniel and your memories would fade away?"

And my reply :

You know me so well because that is pretty close to what I feel....

the guilt of continuing life on earth and of finding small bits of happiness;

the worry that I will forget him;

the pain of being without him for so long;

the mere passing of each day being hurtful on its own;

just the fact that I miss him in every way you possibly can miss another person;

my sorrow when I see other children his age growing up and doing things that he never had chance to do;

my unresolved questions about the circumstances around and following Daniels death;

the self blame I have for letting Daniel go to Charles.... .

In total everything I know, feel, think, and experience that relate to the loss of my Daniel child can be so complex – I will search for answers everywhere I can possibly think of and still end up without finding even a slight hint of comprehension.

Or I can accept the simple answer, a single truth that so accurately defines my intricacy of sense and emotions because in the end, losing Daniel can be equated to one word (pain) and however disguised, debated, dissected, diluted in true form all it is and all it ever can be is only pain. Pure, unbearable. burning pain.