All Around Us

When I started this blog, I found writing or talking about my pain therapeutic. And I could cry. Now I find my pain so intense and complex that it just unsettles me to talk or even think about it. When I cry it happens without tears or sobs, it feels as how if my body has stopped reacting to the pain in my soul, it is a pain of longing and despair, of how it feels to have lost Daniel.

This photo was taken on 25 December 2005 - my first Christmas day with Daniel, now I am facing my first Christmas day without him.

My wish is to spend the day with purpose and in peace - I have never been attracted to any mainstream Christmas celebrations and after the death of my child my perspective on what I believe is real and important is even more clear.

Namaste. Let love be all around us.

Dear David
Bozho Nikan
Thank you for healing me
I greet you in peace

Daniel's Favourite Things

Shape : A heart
Feeling : To go down a slide... WIIIEEEEEE

PC Game : Little People ABCD and Monster Inc Scare Island
Ice Cream : Moo Cow Chocolate Ice Cream

Big Animal : Elephant or when he just started to talk "Attetoo"
Barney DVD : Barney Zoo (with the Elephants :)

Clothing Brand : Naughty Company Children's Wear

Time with Henry : Playing ball or Playstation
Time his Mom : Shopping!
Time with Alecia : Bubble Baths, Extreme sports

Winnie The Pooh character : Tigger;  spelled " T-I-double-guh-err"

Imaginary Friend : Rhoda…(he never said if it was a boy or girl)

Nursery Rhyme : 10 Little Monkeys
Nursery Song : Old McDonald in every form and flavour, CD set on repeat...E-I-E-I-O.. E-I-E-I-O
Story Book : Rainbow Rob about a little penguin who explores the rainbow

Pop Song : Heartbreaker
TV Show : Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Reptile : A Lizard, although he also liked the other reptiles just not frogs (to my big relief)
Colour : Another mystery as he never told us. My best guess would be yellow

Emotion : Love

One Word

From a recent email exchange between me and a close friend, first his question:

"Your blog entry left me in a contemplative mood - are you afraid that you will ever forget Daniel, the emotional bridge between you both, the joy with him... Since you feel that your life is changing a bit. May be I fully misunderstood your notes, but for me, it was like you feared that Daniel and your memories would fade away?"

And my reply :

You know me so well because that is pretty close to what I feel....