More Than Anything

Dearest Danny

We miss you so much, each of us in our own silent way. It pain doesn't show so much any more but it hurts no less. Everywhere we things that remind us of you, in some way - things you loved and things that we know you would have loved. We miss your smiles, your fun, your sweetness, your love. We
still want you every day.

And we will always love you more than the world can possibly understand....dearest Daniel.

Mamma, Neni and Lecia xxxx

Happy Birthday Dearest Daniel

Dearest Daniel

Today will always be your day, my Darling. We remember you and we miss you in every possible way. We try to imagine you turning seven, in a life where we haven't lost you. We cry, we ache, we long, we wish for you to still be here. But most of all we love you. We love you more than all the world and all the stars and everything else, forever and ever.

Have a happy birthday, precious Pikkewyntjie.

Mamma, Neni and Lecia.

Two Years

My Danny

To me you are something of unusual beauty unlike most everyone. Like serenity incarnate. But I need to touch beautiful things to know they are real. Sometimes I worry I dreamed you, and that I am so much less free. You are like faith and air and freedom and my small hours seem mostly to be yours.

What I feel for you flows through all that is and my love for you is greater than life itself.

Missing you more and more, as it will be.

Mamma xxx

Look At The Stars (Yellow)

Dearest Daniel

You know how much I miss you and how I cry for you every single day. The pain I feel is not something I would be able to endure for years and years and years, that is something I know.

I wish I could understand what went so wrong that you had to pay with your life. Where was the disconnect between what I believed I saw in your father and the reality? 

How could anyone not care about our life? And as they didn't care for you why came and take you away from me and Neni and Lecia and all the other people that love you so much. Any of us would have given our lives for you, my Angel Danny, if only we had known. 

I love you more than I can say, more than I can express, more than I can show, more than anyone can comprehend.

I walk with you in my heart everywhere I go and I fall asleep each night imaging holding you in my arms. 

I feel your spirit.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
They are all yellow.

Your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
You know I love you so.

Namaste, my dearest Daniel. 

I see you. Always.

Mamma x x x

Winnie The Pooh

This video clip comes from one of Danny's most favourite movies, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. I cannot watch more than 10 seconds of this video before the pain gets too much. This music and pictures brings back memories that touch the centre of my soul. 

Dearest Danny
The "Winnie Poohs" are for you and for the special times we had watching this "DVDV" together. You have touched the core of my soul and to say that I miss you will never be enough. I ache for you, cry for you, look for you, wish for you. Losing you was to lose a part of my very being...my Angel. Sleep well, my love is with you forever, now and into the next life - there where we will find each other again
Mamma

Happy Birthday Dearest Daniel

The photo was taken on the day that Daniel and I came home from the hospital after he was born. It felt so right when I had Daniel in my arms that I never tried to put him to sleep in his own bed, I just cuddled with him until he (and sometimes me too) fell asleep. I am still sure that he was the happiest baby in the world and that I was the happiest mom. It made me feel so complete in myself, being the mom of my three children. Whenever I thought of my unique but perfect little family, my heart spontaneously overflowed with pure joy.

Dearest Daniel

Happy happy birthday. You would have been a glorious 5 years old today and I imagined  what I would have given to you for your birthday today

A day at the beach
A birthday cake with 500 candles (as you could never get enough of blowing out candles
All the Walt Disney movies that were released the past year
A first outing to the movies, to see Toy Story 3, don’t worry Darling, I won't forget the popcorn
A big bag of extra pieces to add to your wooden train set
An illustrated hardcover version of The House on Pooh Corner
Something Ben10 ( I just guess this being the ”in thing” for 5 year old boys)

Most of all I wish and want to give you the one impossible gift, giving you your life back.

Like every other day, I want to kiss you and give you the biggest sweetest Mamma hug ever. I want to touch your face and stroke you hair. I want you, my Angel.

Take care my Danieltjie, I hold you close in my heart and I give to you my love, like always, Mamma x x x

Lecia's Love

From Alecia (now 15 years old) written on 6 January 2010 - a year after she has lost her beloved baby brother:

It's been a year since i lost u.
I'm just wondering when its going to start feeling better.
Do u ever get over losing the one thing u love most.
i miss u danny.
smile 4 me today.

From before Daniel was born Alecia had made special 'I love you' cards and pictures for him. She did these pictures when he was about a year old.

Remembering Daniel

 

Dearest Daniel

I spent today, 11 months after you left our world, looking through your photos, remembering how wonderful everything was with you...

The day that you were born....

And when you were 6 months old

When it was your first birthday (my Blue Bulls baby!)

And to love a messy 2 year old...

My cool dude 3 year old...

And the last photo that I have of you, taken 6 days before you died.....

You are so special, my Angel and I love you more than words can say.
I kiss you and hold you close, deep within my heart
and connected to my soul. As always.
Mamma

I Am You And You Are Me

Dearest Daniel

My entire being still aches for you, all the same and my thoughts are constantly filled by you, sometimes with memories and sometimes with dreams.

Please stay close to me, my Darling. I feel so torn between my children on earth and my angel in heaven, without an answer and afraid of all my possible futures. Life and death have become strange concepts and to stop my mind from spiraling into darkness, I believe without seeing reason and without understanding.

I miss how beautiful you are, to hear you talking, to wake up with you, to see you discover the world. I miss YOU and the feeling I have for you is a deep, powerful emotion, something greater and better than love – it is a confirmation that our souls will forever be bound, as mammadaniel, in all the worlds to come and beyond the end of time.

I hold you and kiss you in my dreams tonight and always be well my precious Pikkewyntjie as I am you and you are me.

Mamma

Love Me Too

Dearest Daniel

I still think of you all the time and the pain in my being is ever present. I remember our special moments together with so much clarity that if I close my eyes I can imagine you being with me.

I remember...

....how we sang the Barney song together

I love you

You love me

We're a happy family

With a great big hug

and a kiss from me to you

won't you say...

YOU LOOOOVE MEEEE TOOO

....how you would put your little arms around me saying "Sowwy Mamma" whenever you thought I was sad about something. I you could do it today, it will once again take away all my sadness. Oh my darling, I miss you so much.

...how you insisted that your feet be open when you slept.

...how every single light had to be switched off when you went to bed and that the only light you allowed would moonlight shining over us.

I look at the moon and the stars and I feel our love binding us together. My Angel child, I will cry about you until we are together again.

I love you
From your Mamma

Broken

Dearest Danny

I am sorry that I wrote so little last month, my pain was so deep and intense that I could not even come here to remember you or talk to you. Neni and Lecia came to visit me and it is so hard for us to be together without you. They love you with all their heart and soul and losing you is as devastating and painful for them as it for me .

Neni cannot even bear to talk about you, look at photos of you or listen to us talking about you and I feel so sad and worried about him carrying his pain so alone, deep deep inside his being. You were so close to each other and I made a list of things about you and your Neni to add to my post today.

Lecia longs for you in a way no 14 year old child should long for someone. You were her world, her everything and her life will also never be the same again. She asked to visit your grave a while ago and I took her to you and I will never forget how she curled up in a bundle on the ground, sobbing, hugging your tombstone, calling your name.

My heart is so broken, not only for you but just as much for Neni and Lecia.

We will never love you less my angel and we think of you every day, with the fondest of memories. You were really super super special.

I hold you in my arms and carry you in my heart.

Mamma

Six Months

Dearest Daniel

I have started work again, six months after losing you. Everyone is happy for me and in a way I am happy too but I prefer the happiness I had with you. With you it was pure joy while this is a half happy mixed with a broken heart.

I look back at the last 6 months and see this empty space in time. I wonder how I managed to survive the personal tragedy of your death and how I came through the hellish days and lonely nights. How can I be alive knowing that you are dead? Knowing that you will never come back to this life of mine?

My fear is that I will forget some of the detail of the things you did and said, things like the one Winnie the Pooh pillow case that you called your "Winnie Pooh geldjie kussin". I am sure I would have forgotten about it had I not found a little list I made of the first of your things that I packed away after you died. Other items on the saddest list in the world are:

Your streep bers (striped blanket)

John Sena ball

Panda bear toothbrush

Henry's green dragon that you loved so much

Alecia's cream and pink soft toy cat

I pray that I will not forget a thing and that there is nothing about you erased from my memory forever…not that I will know

My darling, my dearest little Danieltjie, I miss you so much, more than words can tell. I want you, I want to be with you and I look forward for us to be together again.

I believe that you are okay where you are. I have to believe that with all my heart and soul. May that be true…that you are okay.

I still cry every day, when I am alone and when I drive in my car and a thousand times in between. I can't talk about you without tears in my eyes and it is most difficult to tell people that I have lost a precious child.

I love you. Always and I hold you my baby, closest to my heart and in my thoughts.

Mamma. Forever and ever.

Presence

Dearest Daniel

The American poet Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote: "The presence of that absence is everywhere."

I am conscious of your presence and your absence even when I sleep.

It is now 5 months that I have been living without you and in many ways it feels so wrong. How can the world keep on turning and I keep on breathing without you? You were and still are my world.

I remembered that I have the envelope holding the ribboned lock of your first haircut and a part of me pulls towards that envelope, to open it and to stroke the piece of golden brown hair but then I also know that my heart will break. Maybe one day.

I love you my darling and I imagine you in my arms. I feel your closeness and sweet energy and I kiss your head and beautiful face.

Take care my baby

Mamma

Disillusion

Dearest Daniel

I dreamed last night that it was time for you to come home - that I should call your father to tell him that he must give you back to me now. It is going onto 5 months since I have left you healthy and beautiful as ever in his care and he had you for long enough.

I woke up disillusioned, crying and sad because your father will never give you back. He has taken your life from you and he has taken you away from me, Henry and Alecia.

I am so sorry, my angel child. I miss you so much and I kiss you with all the love a mother's heart can hold.

Mamma

Just Daniel

Random memories:

I remember his eyes, dark like melted chocolate- sometimes like quiet pools of soulful dreams, sometimes starry and sparkling and often locked in love with me – ice blue and warm brown sharing more love than words can express.

I also tried to remember what went into the gift box that I put on top of the little white coffin that sad sad day in January.

Hendri’s dragon from his bookshelf
Mickey Mouse club house DVD

Sponge Bob Squarepants cap
One of the My Little Ponies
Blue Thomas Train truck
A framed photo of me
Alien spray
Bubbles

I remember how Daniel would come looking for our belly buttons to bore his little finger in our tummy’s. It was such a tickly, itchy, funny feeling.

I remember the exquisite closeness to pick him up, hugging him, holding him close to my heart.

Dearest Daniel
I think of you every second of every day and night and my tears haven’t stop flowing. I just miss you more and more. I see all the pleasures that you haven’t lived to experience and I wish with every bit of my entire being that you were still here with me. You are so precious to me and my sense of loss is so severe. I love my Angel child, as much as always.
Mamma

Pain

My dearest Daniel

My darling, I miss you. Some days my longing for you is a dull numb pain that fills by body. It is sore but somehow bearable. Then some days are like today, where the pain ripps through my being, cutting through my soul like a burning fire. It creates an unbearable pain, so much that I just want to die. I curl up and cry and call your name.

Daniel, my Danieltjie, my Baby, Pikkeman, Pikkewyntjie.

My little Angel. I love you. Every second. Every day. Every long dark night. I wish for you. I want you back with all my heart. Dearest Daniel.

Mamma

Even Though Your Gone

Dearest Danny

I found us another song. My baby, I miss you and wish I had some understanding why you were killed by people who professed to love you. Why couldn't I see through the facade? I am so sorry for what has been done to you. You would not in a million years deserve any neglect, let alone to a degree that would cost your life. My precious, precious little Pikkewyntjie.

The world is so strange. You were so innocent, sweet, perfect when your life was put on the gambling stake while the odds against your survival were high. You were far too young and vulnerable to take care of yourself. What they did to you was no accident - an accident happens when we have done everything we possibly can to minimise or eliminate any known risks. You were willingly and wantonly left in a life threatening environment without any protection but for your father's arrogant hope and false assurance that "nothing will happen to you". He left your life in the shaky, unsteady hands of lady luck.

You were let down big time by one of the person's you trusted most, your Dada Charles.

The world is a strange place dear Danny. Look at me. I am old, broken, without purpose, a burden to my family and friends. You were young, beautiful, healthy and much needed. You wanted life and you die while I want death but have to live. All mixed up, isn't it?

I wish the time for us be mammadaniel again comes soon. This Mamma and Daniel so separated from each other is not how we are. We are mammadaniel.

My lovely child, I kiss you all over, tickling you with love until you beg me in between our carefree laughter to please stop the "hieeer kom die soentjie masjien" (heeeere comes the kissing machine).

Be well my angel. I can hear your voice.
Mamma

Words are not enough
For me to say how much I miss you
You, flew away too soon
I feel so alone not with you

But when I close my eyes
Every night
I hear your voice like an angel
And you're here again by my side
I swear I hear your words
They sing through me
And I'm back where I belong
You are here even though you are gone

You're here, everywhere I go
Deep inside my heart forever
And one, one sweet day I know
We will be back together

But until we are, here in the dark
I hear your voice like an angel
And I know inside you're there
And I know that inside you'll live on

Mirror Me

Dearest Daniel

Nothing is the same any more as we could never return to the life that we shared with you. Not the house, not the things inside the house, not the town where we lived. The memories and obvious awareness that you are not with us any more were too painful to bear.

Part of this painful process was to pack up our house and when this photo was taken. On a whim I took my mobile phone and to capture the moment, a brief distraction from my sad task at hand. I enjoyed the outcome of this picture – a little smile between the tears of letting go.

First I shared the image with my friend who always enjoys my mirror pictures and later I put it on my Facebook page as my profile picture.

Your mom going faceless on Facebook but at least with the updated status of

“Alison is….the girl in the mirror”

as I am long past the time of being a girl it should actually have been

“Alison is...the woman in the mirror”

and for sure it could have said

“Alison is… the grieving mother with a broken heart"

and I know what you would have said - your words would have been

“Alison is….my Mamma”

but unlike the changing status updates on Facebook, I am and will always be your mom and that is why this photo is now here. For you. As a gift of love, of course :-)

My dearest Pikkewyntjie child
you are here in the wind and
the sea and the mountains
in the air that I breathe
in my dreams
in my heart

I kiss you sweet face and
give you my love
from your
mamma

Living Life

Dearest Danny

I think of you all the time and wish you were still here with me to share the wonder of life.

It was an amazing experience to see you growing up. To see you developing from a little baby into becoming more and more a personality in your right. To discover with you the things you loved, the things you liked and what you didn't like.

You have seen so little of life. So many pleasures that you didn't live to experience – places to go and things to see. I can make a list here of all the things that a boy who live for little less than 4 years never experienced but I don't have to. Anyone can figure that out, if they want.

I am so happy and thankful for everything that we did do – that we went on holiday to the sea in December, that you started school in August when you were 3 and a half, that we went fishing (when this photo was taken), that I stopped working full time after you were born to stay at home with you and many other good decisions that I have made about your time on earth.

Never have I thought that you would be here for such a short time but you lived your life to the fullest. I am blessed because I have no regrets - what we had was perfect.

I kiss you, my little angel.

With all my love, as always.
Mamma

(A very special big thank you to my dear friend (and angel) Mariska, Anthony, Leon, Marisa and the little ones Franco, Marnus and Mia for inviting us to come fishing with you and for the lovely day me and Daniel had. The photo is one of my treasured pictures of Daniel and was taken and given to me by Marisa.)

Happy Birthday Dear Daniel

Happy birthday dearest Daniel

We were both looking forward to today with excitement and happy anticipation. I never imagined it without you.

I wanted to do something special and symbolic for you but in the end everything looked so empty and senseless. There is nothing that can ever replace what would have been your 4th birthday.

I am so sorry that your life had to end before the dreams you had for today could come true. You were so deserving of the love, pleasure and happiness that would have surrounded you today, like all other days, but with extra attention on you and with an awareness of how special and precious you are to the world.Your day to celebrate you.

My day was spend lost in my thoughts, memories and dreams of you, me, Neni and Lecia.

With love, smiles, hugs and kisses
Mamma