For What Binds Us

For What Binds Us

There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they've been set down --
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest --

And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend




Painting : Gustav Klimt
Words : Of Gravity and Angels - Jane Hirshfield

With You

the earth holds me still;

with gravity,

with sunlight,

with you.

Like Moonlight

From: Beyond Reason; Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher (B Coville)

“Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people—they always go away, sooner or later. You can’t hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you,then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.”

I Felt You Near

From: Papertissue

The One You Can't Put Down

From: The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)

"A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world.

But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after - that's love by a different name.

She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. So instead you rock my the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks.

She's the one you can't put down."

Sorrow

From: All the Pretty Horses (Cormac McCarthy)
 

"She looked up at him and her face was pale and austere in the uplight and her eyes lost in their darkly shadowed hollows save only for the glint of them and he could see her throat move in the light and he saw in her face and in her figure something he'd not seen before and the name of that thing was sorrow."

Heaven

When he shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so  fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun.
- William Shakespeare -

Sharing A Wish

The beautiful ecard below was sent to me on Daniel's birthday, from Debbie. We know each other only through this blog and some email communication. She wrote to me that she felt so helpless as there was nothing that she could do other than to tell that she cared - but it is the most that any person possibly can do to make things better for me. Just care.

Precious Moments

Daniel loved the Baby Einstein DVD's and I loved to watch it with him. The words are from the Baby Shakespeare DVD and I share it today as a gift of love to to my Danny Baby. Because for us, these are more than just words - it holds a piece of our precious memory and the feeling of our togetherness.

I love to see the big white moon shining in the sky
I love to see the little stars and scattered clouds go by
I love to hear the raindrops falling in the night
and the soft wind sighs at dawns grey light

The photos were taken when Daniel was 3 months old and are more than just pictures - these are also images of  happiness and forever love.

Angels

angels come in many forms

they can be the ones you have in heaven 

or they can be your best friend

or they appear in the ones you love

we all have an angel inside us

and one watching over us
- mysticzen -

Without Our Children

Our months, become weeks and then we will be counting days, before the hours, minutes and finally seconds until a year is reached without our children.

In one month and one day I will be without Daniel for a year. For my online friend Denise, there are only a few more days left before being a year without her daughter Angie.

I wish I knew what to say to a mother who suffered through her first year of loss and agony. She who knows just like I do, that this pain is not going to end soon. I can only hold her in my thoughts and I pray that she will be surrounded by love and peace but most of all may she feel her Angie closest to her heart.

The words are from the song Tattva by Kula Shaker, for Angie and her Ma…and as always, for Daniel:

Tattva, acintya bheda abheda tattva

Like the flower and the scent of summer, like the sun and the shine
Well the truth may come in strange disguises, send a message to your mind

At the moment that you wake from sleeping, and you know it's all a dream
Well the truth may come in strange disguises, never knowing what it means

For you shall be tomorrow, like you have been today

Sunny Slice Of Magic

From the biography of the late actor Anthony Quinn, about his son Christopher who also died of drowning. This paragraph is a portrayal of my own feelings and gives a perfect description of Daniel too:

"He was like a fantastic fulcrum, around which our world could tilt and turn. It was incredible to me, and quite wonderful, the way our entire household pulsed to his doings, the way he could fill a room even in his sleep. He was everything – my flesh, my love, my hope for the future. He loved unconditionally. He was all we talked about, and all that mattered. He was, truly, a delightful child. Most proud fathers could toss off the same line without thinking about it, but I have thought about it. I think about it still, and I do not say it lightly. Christopher was a sunny slice of magic, gifted to us when we needed him the most and taken from us long before we were through."

Love Me Too

Dearest Daniel

I still think of you all the time and the pain in my being is ever present. I remember our special moments together with so much clarity that if I close my eyes I can imagine you being with me.

I remember...

....how we sang the Barney song together

I love you

You love me

We're a happy family

With a great big hug

and a kiss from me to you

won't you say...

YOU LOOOOVE MEEEE TOOO

....how you would put your little arms around me saying "Sowwy Mamma" whenever you thought I was sad about something. I you could do it today, it will once again take away all my sadness. Oh my darling, I miss you so much.

...how you insisted that your feet be open when you slept.

...how every single light had to be switched off when you went to bed and that the only light you allowed would moonlight shining over us.

I look at the moon and the stars and I feel our love binding us together. My Angel child, I will cry about you until we are together again.

I love you
From your Mamma

My Heart's Desire

Our journey from life on earth to death to a renewed life in the next world will always be wrapped in mystery and there are many dogmas mainly based on religion, quantum physics or New Age spirituality about the afterlife. After Daniel had died I felt it was important for me to find more information about these beliefs but nothing was substantial enough to change my view that we cannot factually conceptualise something that is ultimately unknown.

I also have seen many poems and other inspirational pieces about our angel children in heaven – written out of love and from the heart with the intention to bring comfort rather than to give an academic insight.

About a week ago I saw this quote on Andrea's page No Empty Chairs, touching my heart possibly more than anything else that I ever have read about our eternal life. I cannot say that I intellectually agree with or specifically believe in this doctrine as taught by Joseph F Smith but his words will stay with me as a message of beauty, peaceful and heartwarming.

"The infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.' There is restitution, there is growth, and there is development, after the resurrection from death."

Andrea who has lost her little boy Wyatt added to it by saying "I love this truth. It speaks volume of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."

I know why I am so attracted to this learning. It is because nurturing Daniel was the most joyous, pleasurable and satisfactory experience that I will ever have and there nothing that I would want more than being given another chance to take care of Daniel.

A Treasured Space

When I think of this web page with my story about Losing Daniel and of a Facebook group named RIP Daniel Starbuck - I know that they are two of the things that I never ever wanted, not in a million years, but that wasn't for me to decide.

I also think of how much my blog and Daniel's group mean to me. They are "Daniel spaces" and much treasured because that is where Daniel can still be part of my ongoing life, also where people can meet Daniel, even get to know him and for us who love him so much somewhere we can be close to him.

Every person who is a member of Daniel's group on Facebook or who reads this blog is special as you keep the memory alive; and to find a new blog comment or an encouraging message is so often a lifeline, a gift of light and strength to help me through the next dark moment.

The past few weeks have really been difficult for me, feeling like a re-run of that early days, just after Daniel died, with my emotions and thoughts drenched in sorrow and longing but my heart is warm because love is all around me....

On a day, more sad than the other, my dear friend Denise, a sister in grief posted a poem for me in Daniel's group and then came the message from Angel, a mother who also knows the pain:

"This poem brought tears to my eyes and to know that it is all true and that we who have lost our children will see them again someday. I pray that I too learn my lessons so I may go home and see my son, sister and other loved ones who have passed on before me. I pray Ali that your pain will ease and become bearable because I know it will never go completely away. I pray that like me you will see your darling Daniel when you close your eyes and are able to talk to him and hold him in your arms in your dreams. God Bless You "

Pikkewyn

Daniel loved to sleep with his nose in the air, head back and mouth open and I think that was the reason why we started to call him our little Pikkewyn (Afrikaans for penguin).

It was one of the many special, unique things that Daniel did, constantly warming our hearts with his lovely presence and personality…..

There is also a special penguin song that I made up for Daniel. It is in Afrikaans (our first language) and he could never get enough of me singing it to him.

His entire being would show his joy and his enjoyment when he heard the familiar words came jingling from my heart...

Pikkewyn pikkewyn

Jou lieflike ding

Dis vir jou

Dis vir jou

Dis vir jou wat ek sing...

A Mother's Song

If snow falls
on the far field
where travelers
spend the night

I ask you cranes
to warm my child
in your wings

- Ancient Japanese Song -

Poem For Daniel

Two months after Daniel had died I was lost in a strange city, without a home, too broken to find my way, too sad to care about life and that is how my wonderful foster family found me. We had lost contact 16 years before but when I contacted the youngest of the 3 sisters Helé through Facebook they opened their house and their hearts to me, without doubt or hesitation.

I was welcomed into their world as part of the family and they cried with me holding my hand through the darkest of times. I am still living with them and think that they are a family of angels, beyond special. They never had a chance to meet Daniel in person and this poem was written for him by Helé...my beautiful youngest sister.

For the one I never got to meet :

When you left me – my heart lay awaken by unsaid things

I want to tell you that I’ll miss you

I want to tell you how much I care

I want to hold you in my arms

Feel you near

I want to tell you how much I’ll miss your smile

The way you make me feel

They way you lifted up a room

By just being you

I want to show the world just how much I care

I want you to know I’ll always be there

Even if you are not here any more

I will always love you even more

Luke's Army

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

- William Blake -

I dedicate these true words to my crystal angel child Daniel and to sweet little Luke Borusiewicz (22/09/2006 - 18/01/2009).

Please join Luke's Army - his story made me feel humble and thankful for the wonderful quality of the time I had with my son. No one is perfect and no one is a perfect parent. I have been emailing Michael, Lukey's dad and I have experienced him as a true person, a great father and someone who needs all the love and support that he can get and that he deserves.

Their story is too sad for me to tell and I thank Michael for the detailed comment to this post describing the horrific circumstances surrounding little Lukey's death.

Alecia

The email was sent to me by Alecia, my older daughter after reading this blog. My heart aches for her as I know how deeply she loved Daniel and how devastated she still is. I wish I could have taken her pain on me. I wish that with all my heart.

From : Alecia
To : Mom

just read dannys blog it so beautiful thank u so much for doing that blog for us.

i miss him so much nd that blog helps so much to remember the sound of his voice and all the beautiful things he did an said im so grateful for the time we spent together and the way he brought our family together but that was just the type of amazing baby he was.

i remember the one time when we were in the bath and all of a sudden he threw me with the dippy dolphin bubble bottel and he laughed loudly and said "ek jou gooi sha" (i am throwing at you sha) and that the sound of his laughter would make you forget about the pain of where you got hit with a bottel of bubbels and just start laughing with him.

that one baby had a huge impact on the way i live my life now and on the person i am today without him i would be just a sister but thanks to him i am a sister who was lucky enough to know that amazing baby and be able to spend the best 3 years and 10 months of my life with him because those 3 years and 10 months made gave the definition of love.

10 years 3 months and 3 days i waited 2 be the lukiest big sister there ever was