Five Years

Measured purely in hours and minutes, today will be 5 years since Daniel left this world, only that time after losing a child is different, without context and warped in ways that can never be counted on a calendar. 

To know that you will live the rest of your life and never see your child again turns every second into forever and it doesn’t matter how many years have passed because it will always add up to a lifetime.

***

I still miss him every second and I feel the pain as much as I did  5 years ago :(

***  
Beautiful boy. It feels impossible to have survived the last 5 years without you. My darling Daniel, I miss you more than words can even begin to describe. Our love will always be <3 span="">

Mamma xxx

Four Years (1461 Devastating Days)

 Four years without Daniel, of living every day with a broken heart, of sorrow, of missing your child more than words can say, of not telling anyone how you really feel because you know it will upset them, so you bury it deep inside yourself where it silently destroys you.

For What Binds Us

For What Binds Us

There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they've been set down --
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest --

And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend




Painting : Gustav Klimt
Words : Of Gravity and Angels - Jane Hirshfield

Your Voice

Our Angel Our Star

Danny's funeral was today, three years ago. How I can hardly bear to write these words or to rationally think about the reality of what I am saying, that Daniel is dead, that we had a funeral for him and that he is lifeless buried l in a grave.

The paragraph to follow are from a book about a family who also lost their youngest child and brother, When a child dies by Jim O'Shea, the words could have been my own:

As they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease that pain, as the dark earth claimed their young brother.

Mama, Neni, Lecia and Daniel. The bond that holds us close and the love that we share can never be broken, no time or distance or death will ever come between us. Our love will always be dearest Daniel. Precious Pikkewyntjie. Our Angel. Our Star.

Three Years

From my Facebook page, 2 days ago:

Three years without Daniel. It feels like a lifetime and also like just a moment ago, still unreal but also too real and more sad than words can say. We miss him every day, every second and find our comfort in the love we share, a love that will always be.

From a Skype chat with a friend, 3 days ago:

[2012/01/05 06:57PM] Alison Starbuck:

 tomorrow will most probably feel more empty than sad

 but you never know

 i also learned that these things are unpredictable

 i will just take the day as it comes
 and do whatever feels easiest for me
 i think i will be ok

From my heart, today:

I know now that I will probably ok regardless. I have no choice, if I managed to survive 3 years, I will survive the rest of my life. As sad as it may be. Even if I feel sure that no one can survive a heart as broken as mine.

It doesn't seem right or makes logical sense to me but this is how it is.

And this time of every year will be the time that Daniel died. It is more than just one day that marks another 365 days without him. It is a feeling that stretches over days from before Christmas until after his birthday in the beginning of March. I miss him more, feel sadder and every sorrowful emotion I had since he died keeps on surfacing in my heart and in my mind. I don't know what more to say or what to do more than just somehow making it through the minutes, hours and days. Until another year.

Until I die too.

When We Dream

 

When I am asked: "Alison, how are you doing?" I give all sorts of answers....

To someone who doesn’t know that I lost my Daniel and only ask me to be polite, I would say that I am fine. I know it is not true as I will never in my life be fine again but what else can I say?

To my friends that I haven’t seen in a while, I would say that life is treating me good and that I am as well as I possibly could be. Which is the truth. Or I will say that I am better and that I am doing ok. I omit that it is only a part of me that feels better and that I am doing ok only sometimes, not always.

But to really say how I am is difficult as I just don’t know. I am happy and I am sad together. It is an emotional paradox that leaves me confused and I find it too complex to unpack into something understandable. (So please forgive me if this post doesn’t make any sense, this would be why). 

I am happy because of those I call my loved ones – the people close to my heart who feel my pain and share in my laughter. I seek happiness and good moments not for myself but as something to give in return for the endless love, friendship and support I am receiving. Being happy (even while I am sad) is to show my gratitude and one of the best ways I can think of to say, I love you too.

And I am sad because I want my Daniel. I ache for him and for every day that I have lived so far without him. He is in my thoughts and in my heart all the time, regardless of what else I would be doing at the time. I cannot comprehend my future as even one more day without him feels impossibly long.

I often wonder how my life will unfold, if anything will change or if it will just be as it has been since I lost my child. Taking day by day, doing the things that need to be done while looking back in disbelief, wondering how I possibly made it this far with a heart as broken as mine and an inside ripped to pieces. No healing, no relief, no cure, just this unbearable pain.

I also know that Henry, Alecia, Daniel and I will always be. Nothing can destroy the love that we share or the bond that hold us close. We are more than everything and all that matters. 

We are us…MamaDanielLeciaNeni.

Shattered

From my Facebook wall, my status updates of two years ago. I was so happy about life, love, everything – excited to go on holiday with my children and positive about the new year….

November 29, 2008
Alison is loving the charm and delight of serendipitous occurrences

December 4, 2008
Alison is following her synchronistic destiny and is so happy with where she is going to...

December 5, 2008
Alison is looking for a star lost inside a prayer for I have heard that the answer to love is there.... smile*

December 9, 2008
Alison is a very proud mom blessed with 3 most wonderful children

December 10, 2008
Alison is counting the days

December 11, 2008
Alison is in a happy space

December 12, 2008
Alison is so excited, I just can't hide it

December 14,
Alison is as sweet as my dreams

December 17, 2008
Alison is loving the things that life is showing me

December 27, 2008
Alison is wishing her wonderful daughter a happy 14th birthday today!

December 27, 2008
Alison posted 10 new photos

December 28, 2008
Alison is your girl :)) 


January 7, 2009 (at 7:47 am)
Alison ...to my friends who haven't heard the devastating news...my darling child died yesterday. Daniel is no more with us. Please pray for Hendri, Alecia and me.

Wrong

I want to repost this comment that Cathy has left on my previous post "Want Daniel" because she sees losing Daniel like I see it: the most wrong thing in the world and she sees how it is for me to live with this cruel injustice. She is right, it is hell.

Thank you Cathy for knowing and for letting me use your words as my voice:

I don't know how anyone is expected to bear it, how anyone CAN bear it. And yet life forces itself on somehow, even if we are only enduring it.

I so mourn that your Daniel is not in your arms. His pictures, his eyes - I always think, it is the most wrong thing in the world that your child has been ripped from you.

It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote: "The cold, unsmiling face of Hell." Daniel's death seems a picture of what Hell must be. I should say, of what Hell IS, because you are having to live through it every day.

I realize not everyone believes in Hell. All I know is, Daniel being taken from you has forced you to live there.

(This week, two more people mentioned that they didn't believe Daniel's death was as accidental as it is made out to be. They don't know each other and have nothing in common. But the reason behind their doubts was the same. Should I react in any way? I don't know. I also have the same concerning questions. But for now, I just close my eyes, try not to think, pray and hope with every fibre of my being that Daniel's death was an accident and that everything possible was done to save his life.)

Forgiveness

To keep on living after I have lost Daniel will never be easy. His death has left me with so many challenges (other than my sorrow and longing),difficulties that I have to deal with every day, soul torturing events that I must somehow survive, impossible hurdles that I need to clear on my journey towards some kind of renewed peace and healing.

One of these barriers blocking my way is forgiveness. I really want to forgive Daniel's father and stepmother and I have no doubt about whether I should do it or not but in the words of Rev Julie Nicholson whose daughter was killed in the 2005 London bombings, it will not be easy. She said that forgiving another human being for violating your child was almost beyond human capabilities. I know.

But I also know that to forgive the unforgivable is not impossible: The Forgiveness Project / The Catherine Blunt Foundation.

It is a just a process.

Cry Ever Tear

From: I wrote this for you

When hurt turns red and a piece of your heart is missing. When the cold bites deep and you’ve got that feeling like you just got out of surgery. When the only way to stay sane is to concentrate on anything else but how you feel. When you count the tiles in the ceiling. When you push the earphones closer. When the first day of winter arrives. When you remember every nuance of every word of every time. When all this happens. Embrace it. Feel every feeling. Cry every tear. Sob every sob. Because this is what it feels like to have loved.

After 18 Months

I received the phone call that Daniel that died while I was at work. My office was on the second floor with a window looking out on a big tree. I still see myself standing with my mobile phone to my ear, begging Charles not to let my child die. I was looking outside and I remember the exact detail of the leaves on that tree, all the tiny shapes in different colours green. 

The phone call ended while I was folded double to the ground, feeling sick while my eyes found every twist and turn in the faint marble pattern of the floor tiles, also detail still so clear in my memory. And I remember the wooden grain of my desk as I gathered my things to go to Daniel, leaving behind the world as I knew and loved it. 

It was a two hour drive to where Daniel was. I remember how every kilometer felt like forever and I know that I spoke to Charles again, again begging him not to let this nightmare become true. He then gave the phone to one of the doctors to tell me that Daniel was really dead. I can still feel and see the texture of the material that covered the car seats. I also noticed that there was a small bead missing from the pattern on my handbag and I wondered how and when it had lost it. 

I think the car radio was on for the entire time that it took to get to Daniel but it is only one song that I can remember playing. It is "I'm Only Human" by The Parlotones (a South African band) and whenever I hear it, it takes me back to that drive, revoking the empty feeling of the first hours after being told that Daniel had died. The song isn't sad and it isn't about death or loss but as the words from the chorus hauntingly repeated "I'm only human after all" I thought of death, being the end of our humanity and how I wasn't ready for Danny's life to have ended - it was too wrong, too soon, too painful, too unreal... and sadly too real.

That was me, 2 hours into my new lifetime of sorrow and longing. It is now nearly 18 months later and I know I will relive the horror of that day, in its vivid sickening detail, for the rest of my own human existence. How can I ever forget how it is to have lost Daniel?

The Child In The Grave

By Hans Christian Anderson (1859)

It was a very sad day, and every heart in the house felt the deepest grief; for the youngest child, a boy of four years old, the joy and hope of his parents, was dead. Two daughters, the elder of whom was going to be confirmed, still remained: they were both good, charming girls; but the lost child always seems the dearest; and when it is youngest, and a son, it makes the trial still more heavy. The sisters mourned as young hearts can mourn, and were especially grieved at the sight of their parents' sorrow. The father's heart was bowed down, but the mother sunk completely under the deep grief.

Day and night she had attended to the sick child, nursing and carrying it in her bosom, as a part of herself. She could not realize the fact that the child was dead, and must be laid in a coffin to rest in the ground. She thought God could not take her darling little one from her; and when it did happen notwithstanding her hopes and her belief, and there could be no more doubt on the subject, she said in her feverish agony, "God does not know it. He has hard-hearted ministering spirits on earth, who do according to their own will, and heed not a mother's prayers."

Hole In My Heart

Time heals...but not everything.

While I recognise the parts of my life and of myself that have come an amazingly far way towards recovery over the past 16 months, there is also a part that will never be able to heal. Of all that may get better, how can having lost Daniel ever get better? It won't. For the rest of my life the intensity of my longing and the depth of my sorrow will remain with me, untouched and unchanged from the very day that Daniel had died, as will be the painful gaping hole in my heart.

My Decision

This is a letter that I wrote to Charles when after 3 years of absence, he asked to have contact with Daniel.

We were never married and legally he had no access or visitation rights to Daniel. But was it my right to deny my son having a dad? I thought it was the right thing to forgive Charles all hurt and injustice that he caused us before and I welcomed as Daniel's dad into our precious world. But with that came my fear that he would try and take Daniel away from me...regardless of his multiple promises that he never would.

Our Home

After Daniel had died, I never went back to our home other than to pack up everything. Henry and Alecia's things went with them to their dad. A few pieces of furniture, one box with some of my personal things and everything that was Daniel's went into storage. The rest I gave away. I couldn't bear the thought of opening the same fridge not seeing Daniel's food inside or having to wash clothes in the same washing machine that I used to wash Daniel's clothes. Same with our TV, DVD player, everything I had in my kitchen, curtains, linen and other things we had in our house content. It was 13 months ago when I closed the door of our home for the last time and I drove away knowing that the life I had with my 3 children will never be again.

Today I wrote on Facebook that I was happier than I ever thought I could possibly be after Daniel had died.

Grieving Parents

If I look back at the Last year and a bit, the time that started after I lost Daniel, I see so many wonderful things that came to me. I see how God gave me all these blessing to make life easier and as good as it could possibly get.

The letter is from me to someone whom I first met as a fellow blogger around the middle of last year. From the beginning his friendship has been a source of strength and support and I felt immensely sad and helpless when he recently lost his son, as suddenly and unexpected as I lost Daniel.

Dearest Friend

I hope you are as well as you possibly can be so shortly after your loss. If I think back to how I felt a year ago, I relive the intensity of complex emotions and unanswered questions. I wish there was more that I could do to ease your pain but to be your friend.

When I think of Daniel, I have so many thoughts and feelings but among them are two things that I now with my entire being, heart, mind and soul and that is that Daniel is safe and happy where he is now and that I will definitely see him again. I also believe this to be true for your son and for you.

I wish you strength and peace. You are an amazing person and I know you will conquer your pain but it takes time. This is not a quick or easy journey and don't push yourself to remember if you are not ready for the memories.

It took me a year before I could look for the first time at one of the few small video clips I have of Daniel and I still have a brown paper bag in my cupboard which I haven't open. It came from the hospital where Daniel was taken to after he had drowned. When I arrived there he was naked under a sheet and the clothes he had one were put in a bag. I still don't have the heart to know what he was wearing when he died.

There is no time limit on how and when we open ourselves to all that encompass the loss of our children. When we are personally ready and strong enough to face each memory, we will. It can be today, tomorrow or never. There is no right or wrong. And my only advise to any grieving parent is to do what you feel are best for you. I have seen how unique we are in our mourning. Just be as good and as kind to yourself as you can be.

I keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Love, Alison

Drowning

What makes Daniel's drowning different to other accidental swimming pool drownings?

#1

Other parents will explain with regret, how a small distraction caused them to lose focus of their toddler and the water for a few minutes only for their attention to return to their child floating in the swimming pool; 80% of home drowning victims had been missing for 5 minutes or less before they were found in the water and 70% were not expected to be in or near the pool area at the time.

No one was looking after Daniel when he drowned. While both his dad and his step mother were fully aware that the children had free access to the open unfenced swimming pool, his dad left the house to go somewhere while his stepmother continued working on her PC in a home office situated at the opposite end of the premises to where the swimming pool is. Before his stepmother eventually found Daniel in the pool he had last been seen in the TV room where his 7 and 8 year old half siblings were playing TV games. It was one of the children who noticed that Daniel wasn't with them anymore and when they couldn't find him they went to tell their mother. They first searched inside the house before they went outside where his half sister later spotted Daniel's body.

#2

Without any delay other parents immediately called emergency services

Although their house is only minutes away from 2 major hospitals, equipped world-class 911 emergency response services, Daniel's stepmother only called her husband to alert him that Daniel had drowned. As their car was in for a service on that day, his father had left the house earlier driving his small scooter and from he received the phone call, it took him all the time to get home on his scooter and stopping on the way to borrow someone's car so that they could take Daniel to hospital. Around the time that Daniel's dad finally arrived at the house someone managed to call 911 but it was too late.

This extract is from the internet report that was published about 911 call-outs on the day of Daniel's death:

After Normal

From the book "After Normal" by Diane Aggen - a real life story about a 14 year old girl's journey through grief after the drowning death of her younger brother.

"Breathe. Please just breathe," I begged myself as I knelt in the backyard, doubled over and gasping for air, my eyes squeezed shut.

I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. I wanted to float towards the sun and never stop. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake. I wanted to wake and have this be a horrible, horrible nightmare. I wanted to start running and never, ever stop. I could just keep running. First, though, I needed to catch my breath. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. That's all. Just breathe. I opened my eyes but quickly shut them again. The grass was too green.

Inhale. Exhale. Each inhale filled my lungs, my heart, my very soul with sorrow. Each exhale left only emptiness.

It is honest and real, written for teenagers by a teenager and carrying the assuring message that life and the future will be okay - a beautiful book about loss but also about hope.

Letting Go

A year ago was Daniel's funeral. I felt completely disturbed after leaving the cemetery, disturbed about my child closed up  in a coffin and buried under the ground. The more I thought of it the more I just wanted him to be taken out again. I spent that night in horror and tears and could not wait for the next morning to beg my family and friends to help me so that we could get Daniel back from his grave.

I understood that it would only be his lifeless body but I didn't care. I wanted as much of him as possible with me. I felt that I still needed to make sure that he was warm when it was cold outside and cool when the sun baked down. I wanted him to have fresh air and not to be alone. My heart told me that to have a dead Daniel was much better than no Daniel.

It took a long time and only after I left the town where he is buried that started to find acceptance about this all. The panic still comes back at times, but only for short whiles, like earlier tonight.

These days I mostly think of his soul. I feel his spirit in the wind. I carry his heart in my heart.