A bit of where I am, nearly two and a half years after losing my Daniel (how it breaks my heart to think and to know of all these many days that I already have lived without my child).
Some days are better than others. I am not talking about the obviously very sad days like birthdays and anniversary days, I mean all the days in between are not the same. I may wake up and feel as overwhelmed by sorrow as I did that day when Daniel died. Or I may wake up and feel some lightness and peace woven into the sadness and it will be a happier day. Or I may feel it all in only one day.
There is no pattern to these different waves of emotion I experience and while there are times that my despair will be triggered by something that specifically reminds me of Daniel, the cause of my agony is mostly just my own awareness of my child’s death.
I mostly say that I’m okay when someone asks how I am. It is easier and less painful, for me and for the other person.
I am haunted by the day of Daniel’s death and the nightmare of having to relive every detail of it over and over again, and I am still unable to apply concepts of forgiveness, justice, right and wrong to my own , to Daniel’s death and to how Daniel’s father behaved towards me after Daniel’s death.
I am thankful for all the good in my life: my children, wonderful friendships to warm my heart, anything beautiful, moments of pleasure, things I enjoy, tiny steps towards peace, my dreams and hopes.
I miss Daniel. Two nights ago I fell asleep wrapped in Daniel’s blanket on a pillow wet with tears. I still hear his voice and I can recall every small detail of how he looked, the way his fingers folded into my hand, how his hair curled, how his skin felt, the exact shape of his legs, his sweet smell… my Daniel. I will always remember.
Namaste, dearest Daniel, my love for you will always be x x x
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