Look At The Stars (Yellow)

Dearest Daniel

You know how much I miss you and how I cry for you every single day. The pain I feel is not something I would be able to endure for years and years and years, that is something I know.

I wish I could understand what went so wrong that you had to pay with your life. Where was the disconnect between what I believed I saw in your father and the reality? 

How could anyone not care about our life? And as they didn't care for you why came and take you away from me and Neni and Lecia and all the other people that love you so much. Any of us would have given our lives for you, my Angel Danny, if only we had known. 

I love you more than I can say, more than I can express, more than I can show, more than anyone can comprehend.

I walk with you in my heart everywhere I go and I fall asleep each night imaging holding you in my arms. 

I feel your spirit.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
They are all yellow.

Your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
You know I love you so.

Namaste, my dearest Daniel. 

I see you. Always.

Mamma x x x

Mother's Day

Crocodile

Made by Daniel - to go with Turtle Love for some thoughts.

Brothers

 

Daniel always slept with me in my bed but he would often after waking up, go to Henry or Alecia's bed for a cuddle and a bit more sleep. I took this photo in December 2006, while we were on holiday. I remember how warm and happy I felt looking at my precious boys.

Although nearly two years passed between when the photo was taken to when Henry and Daniel gave me this letter, I feel that they must go together. Probably as I see both to be visual expressions of the close bond that reigned between two brothers and of the love between my children and I, ever present.

It was about 2 months before Daniel's death that Henry and Daniel wrote this special "letter" to me. "Lief vir jou" are the Afrikaans for "I love you".

And from me, to my two beautiful boys:

"I love you too, Neni"
"I love you too, Daniel"

Reluctant Artist

I shared before how Daniel had his own ideas around making pictures: either on the computer, else with a camera or you must get someone to do it for you, like this picture where Daniel was strictly directing exactly how and what Henry had to draw.

This next picture Daniel made when he was 2 and a half years old. I bought a book for someone as a gift and after writing our message inside the cover I gave the pen to Daniel so that he could also write something…and so it happened that my reluctant little artist finally decided to draw his first self portrait.

 (And it only took four months for this picture to also become the last and only Daniel self image ever.)

Turtle Love

Daniel made this picture end October 2008.

How precious are these artworks from Daniel and how strong the knowledge that the little I have is all that there ever will be.

It was another one of the daily Daniel highlights when I would fetch him from school and before leaving we would first detour through the Noddy classroom so that he could proudly show me what he had created earlier that day.

I love anything that any of my children make and I carefully date it at the back not to forget but with Daniel this wasn't necessary. There was only 3 months of school in which he brought back his beautiful pictures.

I can imagine the concentration on his face as he worked and the little hands still developing the finer motor skills. I softly touch the picture knowing that Daniel's presence still lingers on the paper.

Sky Writing

Charles could not make it to be with his son last year on Father's Day so I took these pictures (plus a few more) to send together with the Father's Day card that Daniel had made.

Daniel loved his Jay-Jay Jet Plane DVD that Charles gave to him and like his dad, Daniel was completely fascinated with the sky and this was the card he made:

It was completely Daniel's own idea. I gave him paper and different art stuff. He selected the stars and pasted it all over then took the pen to write between the stars. He explained that it was sky writing ( like in Jay-Jay Jet plane.

Another special expression from a most special little boy.

Mountains

Daniel's idea of drawing pictures was that he would dictate what object needs to be drawn and someone else must then draw the picture. He was also not a child that would change his mind about his ideas, so I have very few pictures that Daniel made himself.

Apart from one self portrait (which is a story for another day) and the "again again spider" he only liked to draw mountains, that was if I could get him so far to be the artist and not the director :-)

The picture above is of mountains, done by Daniel on 13 March 2008 and the photo below is of Cape Town and Table Mountain.

I am sad that I will never have files full of Daniel's art work and I am sad the he never had the change to go up Table Mountain..."in sky".

Daniel was fascinated by things that were in the sky or that could go up in the sky. When he undressed he would kick of his pants and underpants so that it could fly all over the room..."in sky" and when he played with a ball it always had to be kicked up high, higher as high as it could get.

I miss my lovely child and treasure the sweet memories.

I dreaded my first Mother's Day without Daniel and with Henry and Alecia now living with their father 1400km away from me but it turned out to be a beautiful day.

Thank you so much to my friends Wehrner, Tina and their 2 lovely children Kyala and Colin. It was a sunny day, clear skies and just enough wind for me to hear Daniel's voice. We met at the foot of Table Mountain, took the cable car to the top where we walked, had picnic, admired the stunning views and just talked and laughed.

The made me feel special and welcome, surrounded by love...I even received a Mothers Day card from the children, together with a hand written invitation made by Kyala to come visit again soon.

I am blessed to have people like them in my life.