Christian

As written by Derek, Christian's dad:

On July 13, 2007 our 4 year old son Christian passed away from Drowning at a local town run camp. We have started a Non-Profit organization to provide life jackets to all children at all camps, lakes, beaches and town run pools across the state of Massachusetts (Currently not required or wanted).

Our son Christian, drowned in our town run camp. He was there for 2 hours on his first day and the 5 staff members and lifeguards didn’t see him. We are in the process here of changing laws and have started a Non-Profit to change some of this law and provide USCG Approved Life Jackets to all lakes and ponds and possibly beaches where kids can get a free loaner jacket. We set it up this way so all children will be safe even if they cant afford to buy one.

Christian was a child that every parent would want. He was loving, caring, and always happy. Unfortunatly we lost him July 13th,2007 to an unforgivable mistake made by lifeguards and staff at the local run day camp. He was there for 2 hours on his first day. While nobody was watching him, he drowned. There is not a day that goes by that I dont cry for him at least once. god I miss him. How could anyone take him from me, he was my best friend and son.

Christian was born on October 17th 2002. We couldnt have been happier. That gave us 2 boys in 14 months that could grow up together and be best friends. They were best friends and his brother Cameron was there the day that he died. Cameron still talks about him daily and tries to make us happy by saying things like he is sitting next to you or I just saw his angel. It is so hard watching cameron without Christian, he looks so alone.

This really is the hardest thing to write. He is gone forever and we cant accept that. Why did we trust others? Why did we take him there? What if we took him there even a minute later, would he still be here. There are so many whys and still no answers. How can we ever forgive ourselves? We trusted and it made our son gone. How can we trust again?

CEF foundation includes 2 separate entities. First CEF Foundation is working to pass Christian's Law, see other page, as well as donate USCG Approved Life jackets to any child that requires one. Everything CEF Foundation does is to promote and provide safety to children that are anywhere near water.

With the backing of Kids Don't Float, a part of Safekids USA, we are collecting numerous lifejackets to provide to town and city run camps once Christian's Law is passed.

I want to ask every person who visits my blog to please support Derek and the CEF Foundation, in any way that you can. Please join the cause on Facebook "Stop Childhood Drowning" created to prevent the senseless loss of our children to drowning.

Daniel's death was senseless and very easily preventable. The only reason my child died was because his stepmother chose to play computer games above caring for the 3 year old child that she had left without supervision while he had free access to an open and unfenced swimming pool. Nothing will ever bring Daniel back but there are things that we can do to let people like Daniel's stepmother think twice...

Karma (Daniel died on a Tuesday)

Written by Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents is a book for parents who wish to raise children with values that create the experience of abundance as well as satisfy spiritual needs.

The 7 laws are:

1. Pure Potentiality - Everything is possible.
2. Giving - If you want to get something, give it.
3. Karma - When you make a choice, you change the future.
4. Least Effort - Don’t say no, go with the flow.
5. Intention and Desire - Every time you wish or want, you plant a seed.
6. Detachment - Enjoy the journey.
7. Dharma (the path of righteousness) - You are here for a reason.

It moves us beyond focusing on private triumphs and failures towards experiencing the fulfillment and success that comes from having some of the most valuable skills anyone can possess: the ability to love and have compassion, and the capacity to feel joy and spread it to others. .

Deepak Chopra offers profound advice on how to convey these universal truths to a child and how to embody them in age-specific activities. He follows an approach of devoting each day of the week to a specific principle, starting with Sunday being the day of Pure Potential where everything is possible.

Daniel died on a Tuesday, the day of Karma where we promise to explain right and wrong to our children in terms of how choices feel.

We teach them that by choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma will be happiness and success.

We reflect on the law of Karma:

1. No debt goes unpaid in the universe.
2. To bring yourself love and happiness, do what you can to bring them to others.
3. If you don't see an immediate result to good or bad action, be patient and observe.

Forgiveness

To keep on living after I have lost Daniel will never be easy. His death has left me with so many challenges (other than my sorrow and longing),difficulties that I have to deal with every day, soul torturing events that I must somehow survive, impossible hurdles that I need to clear on my journey towards some kind of renewed peace and healing.

One of these barriers blocking my way is forgiveness. I really want to forgive Daniel's father and stepmother and I have no doubt about whether I should do it or not but in the words of Rev Julie Nicholson whose daughter was killed in the 2005 London bombings, it will not be easy. She said that forgiving another human being for violating your child was almost beyond human capabilities. I know.

But I also know that to forgive the unforgivable is not impossible: The Forgiveness Project / The Catherine Blunt Foundation.

It is a just a process.

My Decision

This is a letter that I wrote to Charles when after 3 years of absence, he asked to have contact with Daniel.

We were never married and legally he had no access or visitation rights to Daniel. But was it my right to deny my son having a dad? I thought it was the right thing to forgive Charles all hurt and injustice that he caused us before and I welcomed as Daniel's dad into our precious world. But with that came my fear that he would try and take Daniel away from me...regardless of his multiple promises that he never would.

Drowning

What makes Daniel's drowning different to other accidental swimming pool drownings?

#1

Other parents will explain with regret, how a small distraction caused them to lose focus of their toddler and the water for a few minutes only for their attention to return to their child floating in the swimming pool; 80% of home drowning victims had been missing for 5 minutes or less before they were found in the water and 70% were not expected to be in or near the pool area at the time.

No one was looking after Daniel when he drowned. While both his dad and his step mother were fully aware that the children had free access to the open unfenced swimming pool, his dad left the house to go somewhere while his stepmother continued working on her PC in a home office situated at the opposite end of the premises to where the swimming pool is. Before his stepmother eventually found Daniel in the pool he had last been seen in the TV room where his 7 and 8 year old half siblings were playing TV games. It was one of the children who noticed that Daniel wasn't with them anymore and when they couldn't find him they went to tell their mother. They first searched inside the house before they went outside where his half sister later spotted Daniel's body.

#2

Without any delay other parents immediately called emergency services

Although their house is only minutes away from 2 major hospitals, equipped world-class 911 emergency response services, Daniel's stepmother only called her husband to alert him that Daniel had drowned. As their car was in for a service on that day, his father had left the house earlier driving his small scooter and from he received the phone call, it took him all the time to get home on his scooter and stopping on the way to borrow someone's car so that they could take Daniel to hospital. Around the time that Daniel's dad finally arrived at the house someone managed to call 911 but it was too late.

This extract is from the internet report that was published about 911 call-outs on the day of Daniel's death:

Letter Unanswered

A year ago, 3 days after Daniel had drowned, I wrote this letter to his dad.

Dear Charles

I have an all consuming longing to be with Daniel. Losing him was absolutely the worst thing that could have happened to me, Henry and Alecia. We haven’t been back to our house as it is too painful. I thought of booking into a hotel but then it will only be us, on our own. Daniel was our everything and a most special part of our every day life for nearly 4 years. We are lost in sorrow and hurt.

I am sorry I was so angry with you and Sue it was pointless, as nothing will bring Daniel back and I pray that my time on this earth will pass soon so that I can be with Daniel again.

I cannot look at photos of Daniel, think about him and about the things he used to do or love because of the intensity and extreme pain that shoots through my entire being.

Alecia is in a very dark place her soul broken into pieces and Henry has become like a robot, closed up and without emotion.

I was so sure that you love and care for Daniel as much as I do. You were the first and only person that I ever trusted to take Daniel away on his own. I gave you that sacred trust because you were his dad. Do you know how confused I feel at the moment? I wonder how much you really loved him and I wonder how Sue really felt about him. I am not blaming you or her because if anyone, I blame myself for letting go of Daniel. I just wish I had a better explanation and understanding of what happened on Tuesday.

I can’t sleep and haven’t eaten since Tuesday because I can’t manage to swallow any food. I wonder if you also battle to cope and Sue? She is the lucky one who has her children still with her but I promise you, I wish not for her or anyone else to ever feel this hell of losing a child.

May I die soon because what I feel now is unbearable.

Take care
Alison

One Word

From a recent email exchange between me and a close friend, first his question:

"Your blog entry left me in a contemplative mood - are you afraid that you will ever forget Daniel, the emotional bridge between you both, the joy with him... Since you feel that your life is changing a bit. May be I fully misunderstood your notes, but for me, it was like you feared that Daniel and your memories would fade away?"

And my reply :

You know me so well because that is pretty close to what I feel....

Sky Writing

Charles could not make it to be with his son last year on Father's Day so I took these pictures (plus a few more) to send together with the Father's Day card that Daniel had made.

Daniel loved his Jay-Jay Jet Plane DVD that Charles gave to him and like his dad, Daniel was completely fascinated with the sky and this was the card he made:

It was completely Daniel's own idea. I gave him paper and different art stuff. He selected the stars and pasted it all over then took the pen to write between the stars. He explained that it was sky writing ( like in Jay-Jay Jet plane.

Another special expression from a most special little boy.

Disillusion

Dearest Daniel

I dreamed last night that it was time for you to come home - that I should call your father to tell him that he must give you back to me now. It is going onto 5 months since I have left you healthy and beautiful as ever in his care and he had you for long enough.

I woke up disillusioned, crying and sad because your father will never give you back. He has taken your life from you and he has taken you away from me, Henry and Alecia.

I am so sorry, my angel child. I miss you so much and I kiss you with all the love a mother's heart can hold.

Mamma

Even Though Your Gone

Dearest Danny

I found us another song. My baby, I miss you and wish I had some understanding why you were killed by people who professed to love you. Why couldn't I see through the facade? I am so sorry for what has been done to you. You would not in a million years deserve any neglect, let alone to a degree that would cost your life. My precious, precious little Pikkewyntjie.

The world is so strange. You were so innocent, sweet, perfect when your life was put on the gambling stake while the odds against your survival were high. You were far too young and vulnerable to take care of yourself. What they did to you was no accident - an accident happens when we have done everything we possibly can to minimise or eliminate any known risks. You were willingly and wantonly left in a life threatening environment without any protection but for your father's arrogant hope and false assurance that "nothing will happen to you". He left your life in the shaky, unsteady hands of lady luck.

You were let down big time by one of the person's you trusted most, your Dada Charles.

The world is a strange place dear Danny. Look at me. I am old, broken, without purpose, a burden to my family and friends. You were young, beautiful, healthy and much needed. You wanted life and you die while I want death but have to live. All mixed up, isn't it?

I wish the time for us be mammadaniel again comes soon. This Mamma and Daniel so separated from each other is not how we are. We are mammadaniel.

My lovely child, I kiss you all over, tickling you with love until you beg me in between our carefree laughter to please stop the "hieeer kom die soentjie masjien" (heeeere comes the kissing machine).

Be well my angel. I can hear your voice.
Mamma

Words are not enough
For me to say how much I miss you
You, flew away too soon
I feel so alone not with you

But when I close my eyes
Every night
I hear your voice like an angel
And you're here again by my side
I swear I hear your words
They sing through me
And I'm back where I belong
You are here even though you are gone

You're here, everywhere I go
Deep inside my heart forever
And one, one sweet day I know
We will be back together

But until we are, here in the dark
I hear your voice like an angel
And I know inside you're there
And I know that inside you'll live on

Mike

Mike was the first one of my friends that I called to tell the dreaded news that Daniel had died.

He was one of Daniel’s most favourite persons outside our family and Daniel could never get enough of talking to Mike on the phone. About Barney, amongst things, I understand.

Danny died in Johannesburg, same city as where Mike lives. The letter below is from Mike, who is a Civil Engineer, following a press release by the Johannesburg City Council asking for public submission regarding proposed new swimming pool regulations.

To: The City of Johannesburg

I am pleased that the Johannesburg Council is considering amending the by laws and increasing the safety so far as swimming pools are concerned. I have for some time now been listening to the well publicised incidence of drowning on radio 94.7 This public awareness campaign in conjunction with Netcare 911 seems to have emphasized the extreme risk that toddlers are exposed to. All too often the victims were the children of domestic servants ending in pools where the house owners had not secured the pool against children falling in. With each reported tragedy I felt more strongly that these needless deaths can and should be prevented. However being removed and not affected directly one tends to forget the feeling not long after the news bulletin.

On the sixth of January this year a dear little friend of mine fell into the unprotected pool at his father’s house. Daniel Starbuck’s life was cut short two months before his fourth birthday. His mother accepted a request that he spend the last days of the holiday’s with his father in Johannesburg. The parents stayed apart and Daniel lived with his mother Alison.

I have now seen first hand how these senseless deaths rip family’s hearts apart. His mother, sister and brother are broken people and I am not sure they will ever recover. The little man is dearly missed by all who know the family. May he rest in peace.

I write thus for Daniel and all the other little lives lost to the inability of home owners to take simple steps to secure swimming pools. Precautions along the lines of fences, sprung gates, nets and alarms are not expensive when compared even to the upfront or running costs of a pool. These precautions are however priceless when just one toddler is saved.

Unfortunately most South Africans don’t value lives sufficiently to voluntarily install foolproof safety equipment. The proposed permit should thus increase home owner’s awareness of this issue and I hope stiff penalties await people who flout the proposed regulations. This legislation could also open the door to more successful criminal and civil lawsuits when deaths occur after owners have not taken all precautions.

I recommend that at least two independent safety systems be installed. A combination of fence/gate & alarm, fence/gate & net or net & alarm.

Yours faithfully.
Mike Hull Pr.Eng.

This blog was started with an unspoken wish to carry a message strong enough to possibly prevent another toddler from drowning.
If you are a parent with small children, please don’t let your baby become the next statistic. Remember Daniel and let him help you never to look away. Not even for a second.

Dreams And Wishes

Today is a week before Daniel's birthday. Next week Monday he would have turned 4.

He was so excited about his birthday and about having a birthday party. For no specific reason other than wanting to spend some alone time with him, I took Daniel for an Friday afternoon drive on the 2^nd of January. We listened to music, he later slept for a while and when he woke up I stopped to buy ice cream, "green" chippies and cold drink before heading back home.

We spoke about going back to school after the holidays and then, once again recited the sequence of birthdays shared between his 2 families:

First was Hendri's birthday in May - the day on which this photo was taken;

then at the end of December was Alecia's birthday;

coming up would be my birthday in January;

his Dad's birthday in February;

and finally…Daniel's birthday in March!

He was so excited about about having a party. He asked for a Spiderman cake and named all the friends to be invited.

When I asked what he wanted for his birthday present, he said that he wanted a small camera - to take photos of animals.

His father is a professional photographer and it touched my heart that Daniel's real wish was not so much about getting a camera. It was to be like his Dad.

Too Young To Die

I wish I knew that Daniel had a father who would a betray the love, admiration and trust of his son in the worst, most severe way possible but I didn’t know that. I believed that Daniel was safe at his father’s house, that they are taking care of him without fail, that he was as precious to his father as he was to me.

Daniel died while he was visiting his Dad. There are so many contradicting versions of what really happened that day. I have many unanswered questions and a strong feeling of unease about the alleged sequence of events. There are however some sure facts:
Daniel drowned in their swimming pool

The pool is unfenced and was left open without cover or safety net

Daniel was alone outside or he was on his own inside the house with free access to the pool
His dad wasn't at home after specifically asking me to fetch Daniel in the afternoon oppose to the morning as he wanted to spend the day with his son.

When Daniel’s father and his wife eventually arrived with Daniel at the hospital, my son was already dead

His dad called me at work crying, telling me that something terrible has happened, that we have lost Daniel. The phone call that no parent ever want to receive. A few seconds, a few words and my life changed forever.

I live in a different town and the 2 hour drive to get to the hospital felt like days. It was an emergency for me to get there as soon as possible as in my heart I believed that there was still something I, as his mother could do to bring him back to life.

At the hospital I walked into the room where Daniel was laying – on his own only covered by a thin sheet. He was perfect and beautiful but so cold and I went to ask for a blanket to put over him.

I kissed him, stroked his hair, comforted him with my words and presence. I was filled with a complexity of feelings, all mixed up, a very intense painful strange combination of disbelief, anger, sadness, hopelessness, unreality, physical pain, devastation, confusion.
The day when Daniel died.