I Felt You Near

From: Papertissue

All The Time

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards:

...it is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.

Look At The Stars (Yellow)

Dearest Daniel

You know how much I miss you and how I cry for you every single day. The pain I feel is not something I would be able to endure for years and years and years, that is something I know.

I wish I could understand what went so wrong that you had to pay with your life. Where was the disconnect between what I believed I saw in your father and the reality? 

How could anyone not care about our life? And as they didn't care for you why came and take you away from me and Neni and Lecia and all the other people that love you so much. Any of us would have given our lives for you, my Angel Danny, if only we had known. 

I love you more than I can say, more than I can express, more than I can show, more than anyone can comprehend.

I walk with you in my heart everywhere I go and I fall asleep each night imaging holding you in my arms. 

I feel your spirit.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
They are all yellow.

Your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
You know I love you so.

Namaste, my dearest Daniel. 

I see you. Always.

Mamma x x x

We Will Live In Birds And Flowers

From : His Dark Materials Trilogy (The Golden Compass)

"I'll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we'll cling together so tight that nothing and no one'll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you... We'll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams... And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they wont' just be able to take one, they'll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."

Conscious Universe

 A small piece from a bigger picture....

When I write a blog post I always finish all the writing before I select a title for the post and only after that will I select a photo. Sometimes I know exactly which photo I want and sometimes I would just browse through our pictures until I find one.

My find tonight was a happy discovery. I looked through the photos of our December holiday just before Daniel died so many times but never before did I notice that in the background of another photo were Daniel and I - close as we always will be - building sand castles on the beach.

Last Day

Today a year ago was the last full day that I had Daniel with me, a day before I would take him to visit his father without seeing him again .

This last day that we had together was significant, happy and sweet, just like every other day I had with Daniel.

Daniel and I slept until late that morning. As we came back from holiday the previous night and he slept for so long in the car, I expected him to be up early but he just woke up to ask for his bottle with warm milk before cuddling back to sleep with me. Since he was a baby it was one of our favourite treats to stay in bed for a bit more sleep after waking up and that was how we spent our last morning together.

Later that day I took Daniel for a drive through the mountains It was a beautiful afternoon in many ways and I wrote all about it in an earlier post with the title "Dreams and Wishes"

As Daniel was a child with very clear ideas about exactly what he wanted and exactly how it should happen it was very important to him to make sure that other person (mostly me) understood what he needed. He explained to me that he wanted to go to his dad when we came back from holiday and so the visit was arranged. I told him that I would take him the following day and his confirmed it with a phone call.

But to make sure I knew what to do, Daniel presented me with a photo of his father and firmly said:

"This is my dad!" (as if I didn't know who his dad was), followed by

"And I want to go there!"

I just smiled and said "Yes, I know" wondering about his sweet serious underestimation of my intelligence and thinking how much I love him.

Much later that evening he asked if I could play with him. I said yes and asked what he wanted to play. He said I must take Barney and he will take Simba from The Lion King and we must talk. Daniel enjoyed these role play games and often used it as a way to tell me about himself and about what is happening in his life. So we started our conversation, me as Barney and Daniel as Simba.

Simba:     Hello, who are you?

Barney:    I am Barney and who are you?

Simba:     I am Simba.

Simba:     Barney, what are you doing?

Barney:    I am talking to Simba. And Simba, what are you doing?

Simba:     I am looking for my son….

Said in the saddest tone of voice and so Daniel continued on his own, as Simba, searching the house, looking everywhere for his son.

He did it in such an intense and sad way that I agreed with Alecia to "ban" the Lion King movies and books from our house.

If we only knew that Daniel wasn't acting out a scene from a Walt Disney movie, he showed us our future, in only four days we would all be like Simba, searching in distress and deep sadness, looking everywhere for our lost son.

Remembering Daniel

 

Dearest Daniel

I spent today, 11 months after you left our world, looking through your photos, remembering how wonderful everything was with you...

The day that you were born....

And when you were 6 months old

When it was your first birthday (my Blue Bulls baby!)

And to love a messy 2 year old...

My cool dude 3 year old...

And the last photo that I have of you, taken 6 days before you died.....

You are so special, my Angel and I love you more than words can say.
I kiss you and hold you close, deep within my heart
and connected to my soul. As always.
Mamma

Awareness

A picture of my love, my life, my dreams, heart and soul.

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo was one of Daniel's favourite movies and although he knew that Nemo was a clownfish he also called all other orange fish Nemo's and when he just started to talk they were Memo's.

I was with Henry and Alecia on the airport a few days ago where I bought a little stuffed soft toy Nemo for Alecia to take with her when she goes back to school. We fondly remembered the day when I had to take Henry to the airport. It was just before Daniel turned three and he was very sad and upset because Henry had to go and as a consolation I offered to buy him a foil character balloon.

Daniel loved these balloons and to make it easier for him to choose I said that he could select two. He first chose a Nemo and then he wanted an identical Nemo as his second choice. I was surprised but he insisted that he wanted the 2 Nemo's.

I paid and gave him his balloons and then my heart melted because Daniel looked at me and gave me one of them saying that it was mine. He wanted us to both have the same balloons because we were mammadaniel.

I know that I will keep on searching and keep on calling Daniel's name past the barriers of this life and into the worlds to come until the time that I can also say that I have found my child again.

Mermaids

I dedicate my post today to my 2 Canadian friends Blake and Denise who are walking the same heartbreaking, challenging road than I do.

Blake has lost his son Joshua as a result of accidental drowning and I feel humble and inspired by the amazing work he does in order to create water safety awareness and stop young children from drowning, making the world a better place.

I quote from a message he wrote:

"We are in the most rotten club a person can belong to. I am going to try my best to lock the doors to this club and keep other families from joining. And I am going to teach the children to help me lock those doors"

Denise is my grief sister, a special friend, an angel. She cries with me and we share our thoughts, experiences, sad and happy memories and real life moments.

She taught me not to shy away from the symbols and signs that remind me of Daniel. She explained to me that it is Daniel’s way to tell me that he is with me and that I should embrace without fear all that symbolises Daniel's energy, like the penguins, mermaids, sea shells.

Today I bought a small beaded penguin that now drives around with me in my car and I started to smile whenever I see a pretty girl with long hair because Daniel said they were all mermaids. He loved mermaids and even Barbie and Brats dolls were mermaids and he would be very impressed if I covered his duvet and pillow with Alecia’s old Brats duvet cover and pillow case so that he could sleep and dream with the mermaids.

 "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each" 

- T.S Elliot -

The mermaid weaves a siren song that leads you to vision and mystery. Half woman, half fish, the lovely mermaid represents the power of our unconscious desires.

She gives us the power to seek beneath the waves of our emotions and dreams for the pearls that lie beneath, and she reminds us that unless we follow the truth our inner selves, then our lives are as ephemeral as sea foam.

Mermaids are symbolic of a happy and joyful time and of transmutation. They have been associated with love, intuition, hope and they live in the water realm which is the realm of the intuition, feeling, and the unconscious.

Dreams of mermaids come from deep within oneself and I often listen to the mermaids singing because they are, in fact, singing for me.

Fussy Eater

Eating was definately not one of Daniel's favourite activities.

The photo was taken the first day that Daniel was introduced to solid foods. Not impressed, and that never changed :-)

Daniel didn't eat broken food - not a biscuit that was chipped, not a saugage broken in two, not an apple or fruit cut into pieces.

Daniel also didn't eat mixed food like macaroni and cheece, pizza or spaghetti and mince. He only eat plain food and only one type of food at a time in his plate.

I remember the first lunch box I packed to school: Dry pieces of toast, not even butter with boiled egg whites and an apple to be peeled whole.

The list below is from an email I sent to Daniel's dad to let him know what food to give to Daniel, the food that he ate, only this.

Apple, peeled whole
Strawberries
Watermelon
Banana (sometimes)
Grapes
Any other fresh fruit is worth a try

Fish fingers

Chicken
Viennas (most of the times)
Dry wors
Boerewors
Hamburger patties

Scrambled eggs
Boiled egg whites

2 Min noodles (chicken flavour)
Dry toast (toasted light, no butter, crusts cut off)

Marmite or peanut butter bread (not sandwiched, crusts cut off)
French toast

Cheese (grated)
Yoghurt

The last item that should be added to this list is calamari rings. We went to a restaurant about a week before Daniel died and he discovered that he could eat octopus feet! He liked the idea and we liked it that Daniel ate anything other than drinking a pink milkshake.

My lovely child, I miss him more than word can say and my heart pains every time I see calamari rings on a menu.

Carnival Of My Dream

In the carnival of my dream I was standing on a carousal. It was one especially for mothers and small children. Around me were beautiful happy people, fancy dressed in colours and stars. Faces were painted and the little girls had long hair streaked with purple, pink and blue decorating their sweetness.

I heard the familiar melodies of nursery rhymes while we turned around, going up and down. The mothers laughed and sang along holding little ones in laughter and love. Tears were streaming down my face and for a moment I wondered why, just for a second or two before I remembered that I had lost my Daniel.

Next to me were a mother and her daughter. The little girl had pink in her hair and purple hearts painted on her cheeks. I reached out to stroke the girl's hair and she looked back at me, confused then pulled away into her mother's arms. It was the wrong carousel, a place where there was no place for me.

Our ride ended and I went looking for a quiet spot to sit.

The girl from the carousel holding her mother's hand later found me there where I was sitting against a wall hugging my knees to my chest.

The girl asked me why I was crying, her mother said that they had seen me before being so sad. I told them about Daniel. The girl took my hand while her mother handed her a bracelet. It was their special gift to me, a beautiful bracelet made from seashells.

I felt love as they walked away and I looked at the pretty charms around my wrist. I knew.

I knew in my dream just as I know now that Daniel will never be lost. He is with me. Every moment. Close to my heart, not only in my dreams but also in my world.

Daniel was born under a Piscean sun and seashells were one of his strongest and most prominent personal symbols. Seashells symbolise deep religious content and have ancestral mystical tradition.

Ancient Mexican philosophy explains the shell as a symbol of birth, generation and origins, that is to say, of life itself.

Daniel

it is here

with the spirit of the wind

that I will find

my soul

Existance

The photo of Daniel was taken at Rustler's Valley. We were walking back to our camp site when he suddenly stopped to sit down in the middle of the road, to play with the small stones and the sand. I took the photo looking at the small piece of orange in this big wide world and my heart overflowed with love.

Rustler's Valley in the eastern Free State is one of the most beautiful places in South Africa, nestled in a valley and surrounded by mountains.

It is a sacred space. A place where we can connect with our loved ones, friends, the Universe, God and nature. You can feel the magic, peace and powerful energy, hear the drum beats and fall in love with the night sky.

It was my most favourite place in the world but I might not ever go back because what used to be my biggest pleasures bring the most pain.

The happy things and places that I shared with Daniel create a prominent awareness within me that Daniel can now only exist as a memory, that he is from my past, never to be part of my present or my future again.

And the harshness of this realisation rips through my heart and soul.

Crystal Child

Daniel was a crystal child. Crystal children have large expressive eyes, an intense stare, wise beyond their years. Their eyes lock on and hypnotize you, while you realize your soul is being laid bare for the child to see.

The following list are the attributes that could be identifying of a crystal child and from the book Crystal Children by Dr. Doreen Virtue. These characteristics are all true to who Daniel was but some just far more typical of him than others. I have noted the ones describing him best, warming our hearts with the fond memories of how super special he was.

Crystal children:

• Are open only to those who warrant trust (very much Daniel)
• Begin speaking later in life, but often use telepathy to communicate (very much Daniel)
• Love music and may even sing before talking
• Are extremely connected to animals and nature
• Are often very interested in rocks, crystals and stones (very much Daniel)
• Are highly empathic and sensitive
• Are loving forgiving and generous to others
• Blissful tempered
• Fearless (very much Daniel)
• Love water (very much Daniel)
• Often have an amazing sense of balance and are unafraid when exploring high places (very much Daniel)
• Often see or hear angels and spirit guides (very much Daniel)
• Dislike high-stress environments with many distractions (very much Daniel)
• Dislike loud/sharp sounds (very much Daniel)
• Dislike bright, unnatural lights (very much Daniel)
• Very fussy about the food they eat (very much Daniel)
• Often show strength in telekinesis
• Sometimes seem ‘clingy’ to their parents until 4 or 5 (very much Daniel)
• Can throw tantrums if they cannot create a reality that is good for them (very much Daniel)
• Are easily over stimulated and need to meditate often to replenish themselves (very much Daniel)

Daniel had beautiful eyes, very dark brown, at times nearly black ( when Alecia would say to him "pikke-swarte-ogies" ) and for nearly 4 years we had the privilege to see the world through Daniel's eyes and that was the most addictive pleasure ever.

Sleep well my little angel.I pray that you were in peace and unafraid when you closed your eyes for the final time. I am so sorry that I was not there to hold you close, to give you my life, my breath, my warmth. Know that my love will always be with you, that our souls are connected and free to go beyond the boundaries of life and death and in our hearts we will always be together. My love for you will never fade or die, Pikkewyntjie and I miss you more than words can ever tell.