Happy Birthday Dearest Daniel

Dearest Daniel

Today will always be your day, my Darling. We remember you and we miss you in every possible way. We try to imagine you turning seven, in a life where we haven't lost you. We cry, we ache, we long, we wish for you to still be here. But most of all we love you. We love you more than all the world and all the stars and everything else, forever and ever.

Have a happy birthday, precious Pikkewyntjie.

Mamma, Neni and Lecia.

When We Dream

 

When I am asked: "Alison, how are you doing?" I give all sorts of answers....

To someone who doesn’t know that I lost my Daniel and only ask me to be polite, I would say that I am fine. I know it is not true as I will never in my life be fine again but what else can I say?

To my friends that I haven’t seen in a while, I would say that life is treating me good and that I am as well as I possibly could be. Which is the truth. Or I will say that I am better and that I am doing ok. I omit that it is only a part of me that feels better and that I am doing ok only sometimes, not always.

But to really say how I am is difficult as I just don’t know. I am happy and I am sad together. It is an emotional paradox that leaves me confused and I find it too complex to unpack into something understandable. (So please forgive me if this post doesn’t make any sense, this would be why). 

I am happy because of those I call my loved ones – the people close to my heart who feel my pain and share in my laughter. I seek happiness and good moments not for myself but as something to give in return for the endless love, friendship and support I am receiving. Being happy (even while I am sad) is to show my gratitude and one of the best ways I can think of to say, I love you too.

And I am sad because I want my Daniel. I ache for him and for every day that I have lived so far without him. He is in my thoughts and in my heart all the time, regardless of what else I would be doing at the time. I cannot comprehend my future as even one more day without him feels impossibly long.

I often wonder how my life will unfold, if anything will change or if it will just be as it has been since I lost my child. Taking day by day, doing the things that need to be done while looking back in disbelief, wondering how I possibly made it this far with a heart as broken as mine and an inside ripped to pieces. No healing, no relief, no cure, just this unbearable pain.

I also know that Henry, Alecia, Daniel and I will always be. Nothing can destroy the love that we share or the bond that hold us close. We are more than everything and all that matters. 

We are us…MamaDanielLeciaNeni.

All The Time

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards:

...it is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.

Shattered

From my Facebook wall, my status updates of two years ago. I was so happy about life, love, everything – excited to go on holiday with my children and positive about the new year….

November 29, 2008
Alison is loving the charm and delight of serendipitous occurrences

December 4, 2008
Alison is following her synchronistic destiny and is so happy with where she is going to...

December 5, 2008
Alison is looking for a star lost inside a prayer for I have heard that the answer to love is there.... smile*

December 9, 2008
Alison is a very proud mom blessed with 3 most wonderful children

December 10, 2008
Alison is counting the days

December 11, 2008
Alison is in a happy space

December 12, 2008
Alison is so excited, I just can't hide it

December 14,
Alison is as sweet as my dreams

December 17, 2008
Alison is loving the things that life is showing me

December 27, 2008
Alison is wishing her wonderful daughter a happy 14th birthday today!

December 27, 2008
Alison posted 10 new photos

December 28, 2008
Alison is your girl :)) 


January 7, 2009 (at 7:47 am)
Alison ...to my friends who haven't heard the devastating news...my darling child died yesterday. Daniel is no more with us. Please pray for Hendri, Alecia and me.

Sweet And Broken Dreams

We collected Daniel's things from storage last week, after nearly 19 months. It was something I wanted to do but I was also scared and I was not sure if I really was ready to open all those containers that I so randomly packed after Daniel had died. But I did it. I went through everything, took out the bits that I wanted and repacked the rest.

Some moments were heartbreakingly sad….his shoes still dusty from where he walked with me talking and holding my hand, his Winnie the Pooh school bag ready for the school year that never started, Christmas presents that he never was given a chance to play with, the Mickey Mouse cards that I bought our last time shopping together...

And some moments were painfully sweet...photos of him that I forgotten I had, a piece of paper with baby Daniel scribbles on it, the Dr Seuss books that Alecia read to Daniel so many times that the books and the "reading" became a mere formality as they both knew every word by heart.....

What can I see?
I see a bee.
Now a goat sees me!

An egg feels smooth.
A bush feels prickly.
Fluffy feathers feel soft and tickly!

A tasty lollypop!
Lovely cream!
Empty plate, licked clean!

I can hear a noise.
I can too.
What can we hear?
A king's KERCHOO!

Noses are for smelling.
Doughnuts smell sweet.
Lots of noses smelling owls' feet!

In total I believe it was the right time and the right choice to bring Daniel's things from storage. I feel lighter, more complete and some way closer to Daniel, which is good and difficult and painful.

I miss his physical presence, his breath, his life and in my heart I know the truth, the harsh reality that there is humanly nothing that anyone can do to ever substitute, repair or replace what Daniel, Henry, Alecia and I have lost.

Heaven

When he shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so  fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun.
- William Shakespeare -

Mother's Day

Our Home

After Daniel had died, I never went back to our home other than to pack up everything. Henry and Alecia's things went with them to their dad. A few pieces of furniture, one box with some of my personal things and everything that was Daniel's went into storage. The rest I gave away. I couldn't bear the thought of opening the same fridge not seeing Daniel's food inside or having to wash clothes in the same washing machine that I used to wash Daniel's clothes. Same with our TV, DVD player, everything I had in my kitchen, curtains, linen and other things we had in our house content. It was 13 months ago when I closed the door of our home for the last time and I drove away knowing that the life I had with my 3 children will never be again.

Today I wrote on Facebook that I was happier than I ever thought I could possibly be after Daniel had died.

No Tomorrow

I took out these photos of Henry and Alecia, when they were respectively 5 years old.

I wanted to imagine Daniel at the same age but my thoughts became like a vague dream, accompanied by a deep sadness and many tears. I will never know.

See, it is Daniel's birthday tomorrow. He would have turned 5.

After Normal

From the book "After Normal" by Diane Aggen - a real life story about a 14 year old girl's journey through grief after the drowning death of her younger brother.

"Breathe. Please just breathe," I begged myself as I knelt in the backyard, doubled over and gasping for air, my eyes squeezed shut.

I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. I wanted to float towards the sun and never stop. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake. I wanted to wake and have this be a horrible, horrible nightmare. I wanted to start running and never, ever stop. I could just keep running. First, though, I needed to catch my breath. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. That's all. Just breathe. I opened my eyes but quickly shut them again. The grass was too green.

Inhale. Exhale. Each inhale filled my lungs, my heart, my very soul with sorrow. Each exhale left only emptiness.

It is honest and real, written for teenagers by a teenager and carrying the assuring message that life and the future will be okay - a beautiful book about loss but also about hope.

Lecia's Love

From Alecia (now 15 years old) written on 6 January 2010 - a year after she has lost her beloved baby brother:

It's been a year since i lost u.
I'm just wondering when its going to start feeling better.
Do u ever get over losing the one thing u love most.
i miss u danny.
smile 4 me today.

From before Daniel was born Alecia had made special 'I love you' cards and pictures for him. She did these pictures when he was about a year old.

Daniel's Favourite Things

Shape : A heart
Feeling : To go down a slide... WIIIEEEEEE

PC Game : Little People ABCD and Monster Inc Scare Island
Ice Cream : Moo Cow Chocolate Ice Cream

Big Animal : Elephant or when he just started to talk "Attetoo"
Barney DVD : Barney Zoo (with the Elephants :)

Clothing Brand : Naughty Company Children's Wear

Time with Henry : Playing ball or Playstation
Time his Mom : Shopping!
Time with Alecia : Bubble Baths, Extreme sports

Winnie The Pooh character : Tigger;  spelled " T-I-double-guh-err"

Imaginary Friend : Rhoda…(he never said if it was a boy or girl)

Nursery Rhyme : 10 Little Monkeys
Nursery Song : Old McDonald in every form and flavour, CD set on repeat...E-I-E-I-O.. E-I-E-I-O
Story Book : Rainbow Rob about a little penguin who explores the rainbow

Pop Song : Heartbreaker
TV Show : Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Reptile : A Lizard, although he also liked the other reptiles just not frogs (to my big relief)
Colour : Another mystery as he never told us. My best guess would be yellow

Emotion : Love

Awareness

A picture of my love, my life, my dreams, heart and soul.

Today

I am sitting at the airport waiting to go back to Cape Town after spending the past few days with my children. Most of the time with Henry and Alecia and only a short while with Daniel, weeping at his grave, desperate to have him back.

Henry and Alecia are making me so proud, like they always have. They are so positive and strong, loving and compassionate, coping with life after losing Daniel in many ways better than I do. We went shopping, listened to music, talked, laughed, remembered Daniel and telling each other that we will be okay.

Daniel is buried in a town two hours drive away from the nearest airport and from where Henry and Alecia stay and I went alone this morning to visit his grave. I have no words to say how it feels to start a two hour journey that will end at the children's section of a cemetery, where Daniel is only one of the many small heaps of ground.

It doesn't make sense for me to go to Daniel's grave because I feel nothing but sorrow being there and I will leave feeling hollow and empty because yet again, there was nothing more of Daniel to be found than any other time before. I know so well that death can't change but still my heart forces me to keep on going back - to the place where my time on earth with Daniel has stopped.

Our gifts for Daniel today were three pebble stones and small plant.

The stones are from a garden where Daniel loved to play. It belongs to one of my friends and whenever we visited his house it was with great pleasure that Daniel emptied the flower pots of all the pebbles. He threw them in the swimming pool or else he packed them on the paving to make interesting patterns. Blessings to our friend (who doesn't like to be named) for all the times that he patiently dived out stones from his pool and for never minding the disruption of his landscaped garden.

I bought the plant from a nursery. They asked me what type of plant I wanted and my request was that it be hardened enough to endure sun and wind and for it to have white flowers. I didn't say that it was for my child's grave and that it would be watered by my tears. Just thanked them for helping me.

That was today.

Turtle Love

Daniel made this picture end October 2008.

How precious are these artworks from Daniel and how strong the knowledge that the little I have is all that there ever will be.

It was another one of the daily Daniel highlights when I would fetch him from school and before leaving we would first detour through the Noddy classroom so that he could proudly show me what he had created earlier that day.

I love anything that any of my children make and I carefully date it at the back not to forget but with Daniel this wasn't necessary. There was only 3 months of school in which he brought back his beautiful pictures.

I can imagine the concentration on his face as he worked and the little hands still developing the finer motor skills. I softly touch the picture knowing that Daniel's presence still lingers on the paper.

Darkness

Please say a special prayer for Henry and Alecia. Similar to my own experience, does the reality that Daniel will never return becoming a cruel certainty to them, prominent in their minds and heart.

We all miss him, as always, more than words can say and it hurt me deep inside to read Alecia's words on Thursday:

" today I miss you so much, today all I want to do is to hold you hand, but reality crumbles like hardened sand today. There is an aching emptiness in my soul, a simple darkness, an irreplaceable hole forever in my head and in my heart. Your laughter is with me, it is all I hear "

My reply to her:

My dearest Lecia child, how I wish with all my heart to bring him back or to ease your longing. My love is with you and Danny will always be part of each one of us. Mom x x x

Wounded

I sorted through some paperwork this morning and found in between the folder holding all the sympathy cards given to us when Daniel died. I opened and read some of them and my entire being filled with pain. There it was in writing, not only the harsh reality of our loss but also many confirmations of how special and precious Daniel (was) is.

I still go weekly to a therapist for counseling. My wonderful therapist is also concerned about intensity and depth of my sadness but how could it be anything easier or better? The bond between me and Daniel has always been extremely close and my soul is deeply wounded by the trauma of our physical separation combined with the cruelty of the betrayal that cost Daniel his life.

It is my will and my commitment to walk this path with courage and hope and to be the best mother I can be for Henry and Alecia. People often say to me that I must be happy because that is what Daniel would want and that Daniel wouldn't like to see me so sad and although I appreciate the intention and kindness behind those ideas, that is not really all that Daniel would want for me.

I know Daniel will completely understand and accept my pain and my tears. Yes, he would want me to be happy, but more to be a true person and most of all to live out my life as destined....it is just so difficult and draining to endure this constant all consuming pain. No cure. No relief. Just pain.

My Children

May the world treat Henry and Alecia well, now and in times to come, with kindness and good fortune because they are so undeserving of the sorrow, agony and pain unfairly bestowed upon them. They accepted Daniel into their world unconditionally, unselfishly and with the deepest of love, his needs always came first, he was their most loved, their pride and joy, more than precious.

I pray for my two children to heal, to find peace and for God to bless them with love and light.

Broken

Dearest Danny

I am sorry that I wrote so little last month, my pain was so deep and intense that I could not even come here to remember you or talk to you. Neni and Lecia came to visit me and it is so hard for us to be together without you. They love you with all their heart and soul and losing you is as devastating and painful for them as it for me .

Neni cannot even bear to talk about you, look at photos of you or listen to us talking about you and I feel so sad and worried about him carrying his pain so alone, deep deep inside his being. You were so close to each other and I made a list of things about you and your Neni to add to my post today.

Lecia longs for you in a way no 14 year old child should long for someone. You were her world, her everything and her life will also never be the same again. She asked to visit your grave a while ago and I took her to you and I will never forget how she curled up in a bundle on the ground, sobbing, hugging your tombstone, calling your name.

My heart is so broken, not only for you but just as much for Neni and Lecia.

We will never love you less my angel and we think of you every day, with the fondest of memories. You were really super super special.

I hold you in my arms and carry you in my heart.

Mamma

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo was one of Daniel's favourite movies and although he knew that Nemo was a clownfish he also called all other orange fish Nemo's and when he just started to talk they were Memo's.

I was with Henry and Alecia on the airport a few days ago where I bought a little stuffed soft toy Nemo for Alecia to take with her when she goes back to school. We fondly remembered the day when I had to take Henry to the airport. It was just before Daniel turned three and he was very sad and upset because Henry had to go and as a consolation I offered to buy him a foil character balloon.

Daniel loved these balloons and to make it easier for him to choose I said that he could select two. He first chose a Nemo and then he wanted an identical Nemo as his second choice. I was surprised but he insisted that he wanted the 2 Nemo's.

I paid and gave him his balloons and then my heart melted because Daniel looked at me and gave me one of them saying that it was mine. He wanted us to both have the same balloons because we were mammadaniel.

I know that I will keep on searching and keep on calling Daniel's name past the barriers of this life and into the worlds to come until the time that I can also say that I have found my child again.