No Tomorrow

I took out these photos of Henry and Alecia, when they were respectively 5 years old.

I wanted to imagine Daniel at the same age but my thoughts became like a vague dream, accompanied by a deep sadness and many tears. I will never know.

See, it is Daniel's birthday tomorrow. He would have turned 5.

Conscious Universe

 A small piece from a bigger picture....

When I write a blog post I always finish all the writing before I select a title for the post and only after that will I select a photo. Sometimes I know exactly which photo I want and sometimes I would just browse through our pictures until I find one.

My find tonight was a happy discovery. I looked through the photos of our December holiday just before Daniel died so many times but never before did I notice that in the background of another photo were Daniel and I - close as we always will be - building sand castles on the beach.

I Am You And You Are Me

Dearest Daniel

My entire being still aches for you, all the same and my thoughts are constantly filled by you, sometimes with memories and sometimes with dreams.

Please stay close to me, my Darling. I feel so torn between my children on earth and my angel in heaven, without an answer and afraid of all my possible futures. Life and death have become strange concepts and to stop my mind from spiraling into darkness, I believe without seeing reason and without understanding.

I miss how beautiful you are, to hear you talking, to wake up with you, to see you discover the world. I miss YOU and the feeling I have for you is a deep, powerful emotion, something greater and better than love – it is a confirmation that our souls will forever be bound, as mammadaniel, in all the worlds to come and beyond the end of time.

I hold you and kiss you in my dreams tonight and always be well my precious Pikkewyntjie as I am you and you are me.

Mamma

Mermaids

I dedicate my post today to my 2 Canadian friends Blake and Denise who are walking the same heartbreaking, challenging road than I do.

Blake has lost his son Joshua as a result of accidental drowning and I feel humble and inspired by the amazing work he does in order to create water safety awareness and stop young children from drowning, making the world a better place.

I quote from a message he wrote:

"We are in the most rotten club a person can belong to. I am going to try my best to lock the doors to this club and keep other families from joining. And I am going to teach the children to help me lock those doors"

Denise is my grief sister, a special friend, an angel. She cries with me and we share our thoughts, experiences, sad and happy memories and real life moments.

She taught me not to shy away from the symbols and signs that remind me of Daniel. She explained to me that it is Daniel’s way to tell me that he is with me and that I should embrace without fear all that symbolises Daniel's energy, like the penguins, mermaids, sea shells.

Today I bought a small beaded penguin that now drives around with me in my car and I started to smile whenever I see a pretty girl with long hair because Daniel said they were all mermaids. He loved mermaids and even Barbie and Brats dolls were mermaids and he would be very impressed if I covered his duvet and pillow with Alecia’s old Brats duvet cover and pillow case so that he could sleep and dream with the mermaids.

 "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each" 

- T.S Elliot -

The mermaid weaves a siren song that leads you to vision and mystery. Half woman, half fish, the lovely mermaid represents the power of our unconscious desires.

She gives us the power to seek beneath the waves of our emotions and dreams for the pearls that lie beneath, and she reminds us that unless we follow the truth our inner selves, then our lives are as ephemeral as sea foam.

Mermaids are symbolic of a happy and joyful time and of transmutation. They have been associated with love, intuition, hope and they live in the water realm which is the realm of the intuition, feeling, and the unconscious.

Dreams of mermaids come from deep within oneself and I often listen to the mermaids singing because they are, in fact, singing for me.

Dream Keeper

Bring me all of your dreams,
You dreamers,
Bring me all of your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue-cloud cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.

-Author Unknown-

Disillusion

Dearest Daniel

I dreamed last night that it was time for you to come home - that I should call your father to tell him that he must give you back to me now. It is going onto 5 months since I have left you healthy and beautiful as ever in his care and he had you for long enough.

I woke up disillusioned, crying and sad because your father will never give you back. He has taken your life from you and he has taken you away from me, Henry and Alecia.

I am so sorry, my angel child. I miss you so much and I kiss you with all the love a mother's heart can hold.

Mamma

Carnival Of My Dream

In the carnival of my dream I was standing on a carousal. It was one especially for mothers and small children. Around me were beautiful happy people, fancy dressed in colours and stars. Faces were painted and the little girls had long hair streaked with purple, pink and blue decorating their sweetness.

I heard the familiar melodies of nursery rhymes while we turned around, going up and down. The mothers laughed and sang along holding little ones in laughter and love. Tears were streaming down my face and for a moment I wondered why, just for a second or two before I remembered that I had lost my Daniel.

Next to me were a mother and her daughter. The little girl had pink in her hair and purple hearts painted on her cheeks. I reached out to stroke the girl's hair and she looked back at me, confused then pulled away into her mother's arms. It was the wrong carousel, a place where there was no place for me.

Our ride ended and I went looking for a quiet spot to sit.

The girl from the carousel holding her mother's hand later found me there where I was sitting against a wall hugging my knees to my chest.

The girl asked me why I was crying, her mother said that they had seen me before being so sad. I told them about Daniel. The girl took my hand while her mother handed her a bracelet. It was their special gift to me, a beautiful bracelet made from seashells.

I felt love as they walked away and I looked at the pretty charms around my wrist. I knew.

I knew in my dream just as I know now that Daniel will never be lost. He is with me. Every moment. Close to my heart, not only in my dreams but also in my world.

Daniel was born under a Piscean sun and seashells were one of his strongest and most prominent personal symbols. Seashells symbolise deep religious content and have ancestral mystical tradition.

Ancient Mexican philosophy explains the shell as a symbol of birth, generation and origins, that is to say, of life itself.