Forgiveness

To keep on living after I have lost Daniel will never be easy. His death has left me with so many challenges (other than my sorrow and longing),difficulties that I have to deal with every day, soul torturing events that I must somehow survive, impossible hurdles that I need to clear on my journey towards some kind of renewed peace and healing.

One of these barriers blocking my way is forgiveness. I really want to forgive Daniel's father and stepmother and I have no doubt about whether I should do it or not but in the words of Rev Julie Nicholson whose daughter was killed in the 2005 London bombings, it will not be easy. She said that forgiving another human being for violating your child was almost beyond human capabilities. I know.

But I also know that to forgive the unforgivable is not impossible: The Forgiveness Project / The Catherine Blunt Foundation.

It is a just a process.

My Decision

This is a letter that I wrote to Charles when after 3 years of absence, he asked to have contact with Daniel.

We were never married and legally he had no access or visitation rights to Daniel. But was it my right to deny my son having a dad? I thought it was the right thing to forgive Charles all hurt and injustice that he caused us before and I welcomed as Daniel's dad into our precious world. But with that came my fear that he would try and take Daniel away from me...regardless of his multiple promises that he never would.

Letter Unanswered

A year ago, 3 days after Daniel had drowned, I wrote this letter to his dad.

Dear Charles

I have an all consuming longing to be with Daniel. Losing him was absolutely the worst thing that could have happened to me, Henry and Alecia. We haven’t been back to our house as it is too painful. I thought of booking into a hotel but then it will only be us, on our own. Daniel was our everything and a most special part of our every day life for nearly 4 years. We are lost in sorrow and hurt.

I am sorry I was so angry with you and Sue it was pointless, as nothing will bring Daniel back and I pray that my time on this earth will pass soon so that I can be with Daniel again.

I cannot look at photos of Daniel, think about him and about the things he used to do or love because of the intensity and extreme pain that shoots through my entire being.

Alecia is in a very dark place her soul broken into pieces and Henry has become like a robot, closed up and without emotion.

I was so sure that you love and care for Daniel as much as I do. You were the first and only person that I ever trusted to take Daniel away on his own. I gave you that sacred trust because you were his dad. Do you know how confused I feel at the moment? I wonder how much you really loved him and I wonder how Sue really felt about him. I am not blaming you or her because if anyone, I blame myself for letting go of Daniel. I just wish I had a better explanation and understanding of what happened on Tuesday.

I can’t sleep and haven’t eaten since Tuesday because I can’t manage to swallow any food. I wonder if you also battle to cope and Sue? She is the lucky one who has her children still with her but I promise you, I wish not for her or anyone else to ever feel this hell of losing a child.

May I die soon because what I feel now is unbearable.

Take care
Alison