All The Time

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards:

...it is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.

Karma (Daniel died on a Tuesday)

Written by Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents is a book for parents who wish to raise children with values that create the experience of abundance as well as satisfy spiritual needs.

The 7 laws are:

1. Pure Potentiality - Everything is possible.
2. Giving - If you want to get something, give it.
3. Karma - When you make a choice, you change the future.
4. Least Effort - Don’t say no, go with the flow.
5. Intention and Desire - Every time you wish or want, you plant a seed.
6. Detachment - Enjoy the journey.
7. Dharma (the path of righteousness) - You are here for a reason.

It moves us beyond focusing on private triumphs and failures towards experiencing the fulfillment and success that comes from having some of the most valuable skills anyone can possess: the ability to love and have compassion, and the capacity to feel joy and spread it to others. .

Deepak Chopra offers profound advice on how to convey these universal truths to a child and how to embody them in age-specific activities. He follows an approach of devoting each day of the week to a specific principle, starting with Sunday being the day of Pure Potential where everything is possible.

Daniel died on a Tuesday, the day of Karma where we promise to explain right and wrong to our children in terms of how choices feel.

We teach them that by choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma will be happiness and success.

We reflect on the law of Karma:

1. No debt goes unpaid in the universe.
2. To bring yourself love and happiness, do what you can to bring them to others.
3. If you don't see an immediate result to good or bad action, be patient and observe.

Finding Me

I feel deeply touched by this beautiful drawing that my friend Michael did for me. We are on the same painful journey and feel a similar pain - Michael lost his son Luke around the same time that I lost Daniel. (Also see my post Luke's Army)

I cannot describe how much I still miss Daniel every day. My heart pains for my child and without end a thousand unanswered questions keep on circling through my mind. I wonder if I would ever find peace...

The Child In The Grave

By Hans Christian Anderson (1859)

It was a very sad day, and every heart in the house felt the deepest grief; for the youngest child, a boy of four years old, the joy and hope of his parents, was dead. Two daughters, the elder of whom was going to be confirmed, still remained: they were both good, charming girls; but the lost child always seems the dearest; and when it is youngest, and a son, it makes the trial still more heavy. The sisters mourned as young hearts can mourn, and were especially grieved at the sight of their parents' sorrow. The father's heart was bowed down, but the mother sunk completely under the deep grief.

Day and night she had attended to the sick child, nursing and carrying it in her bosom, as a part of herself. She could not realize the fact that the child was dead, and must be laid in a coffin to rest in the ground. She thought God could not take her darling little one from her; and when it did happen notwithstanding her hopes and her belief, and there could be no more doubt on the subject, she said in her feverish agony, "God does not know it. He has hard-hearted ministering spirits on earth, who do according to their own will, and heed not a mother's prayers."

Angels

angels come in many forms

they can be the ones you have in heaven 

or they can be your best friend

or they appear in the ones you love

we all have an angel inside us

and one watching over us
- mysticzen -

After Normal

From the book "After Normal" by Diane Aggen - a real life story about a 14 year old girl's journey through grief after the drowning death of her younger brother.

"Breathe. Please just breathe," I begged myself as I knelt in the backyard, doubled over and gasping for air, my eyes squeezed shut.

I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. I wanted to float towards the sun and never stop. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake. I wanted to wake and have this be a horrible, horrible nightmare. I wanted to start running and never, ever stop. I could just keep running. First, though, I needed to catch my breath. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. That's all. Just breathe. I opened my eyes but quickly shut them again. The grass was too green.

Inhale. Exhale. Each inhale filled my lungs, my heart, my very soul with sorrow. Each exhale left only emptiness.

It is honest and real, written for teenagers by a teenager and carrying the assuring message that life and the future will be okay - a beautiful book about loss but also about hope.

Conscious Universe

 A small piece from a bigger picture....

When I write a blog post I always finish all the writing before I select a title for the post and only after that will I select a photo. Sometimes I know exactly which photo I want and sometimes I would just browse through our pictures until I find one.

My find tonight was a happy discovery. I looked through the photos of our December holiday just before Daniel died so many times but never before did I notice that in the background of another photo were Daniel and I - close as we always will be - building sand castles on the beach.

Death

Painting of a woman with her dead child by: Käthe Kollwitz
Words from: Kindertotenlieder (Songs on the Death of Children)

Now I see well, why with such dark flames

in many glances you flash upon me

O Eyes: as if in one look

to draw all your strength together

I didn't realise, because a mist surrounded me

woven of tangled destinies

that your beam was already returning homewards to the place

from which all rays emanate.

You would tell me with your brightness:

We would gladly stay with you!

Now that is denied to us by Fate.

Look at us, soon we will be far away!

What are only eyes to you in these days,

in the coming night shall be your stars.

Nun seh' ich wohl, warum so dunkle Flammen

Ihr sprühtet mir in manchem Augenblicke.

O Augen, gleichsam, um in einem Blicke

Zu drängen eure ganze Macht zusammen.

Doch ahnt' ich nicht, weil Nebel mich umschwammen,

Gewoben vom verblendenden Geschicke,

Daß sich der Strahl bereits zur Heimkehr schicke,

Dorthin, von wannen alle Strahlen stammen.

Ihr wolltet mir mit eurem Leuchten sagen:

Wir möchten nah dir immer bleiben gerne!

Doch ist uns das vom Schicksal abgeschlagen.

Sieh' recht uns an, denn bald sind wir dir ferne!

Was dir noch Augen sind in diesen Tagen:

In künft'gen Nächten sind es dir nur Sterne.

The original Kindertotenlieder were a group of 428 poems written by Friedrich Rückert in 1833–34 in reaction to the illness (scarlet fever) and death of his two children Luise and Ernst. These poems became singular, almost manic documents of the psychological endeavor to cope with such loss. In ever new variations Rückert's poems attempt a poetic resuscitation of the children that is punctuated by anguished outbursts. But above all the poems show a quiet acquiescence to fate and to a peaceful world of solace.These poems were never intended for publication.

The composer Gustav Mahler selected five of Rückert's poems to set as Lieder, which he composed between 1901 and 1904. The songs are written in Mahler's late-romantic idiom, and like the texts reflect a mixture of feelings: anguish, fantasy resuscitation of the children, resignation. The final song ends in a major key and a mood of transcendence.

The poignancy of the cycle is increased by the fact that four years after he wrote it, Mahler lost his daughter, Maria, aged four, to scarlet fever. He wrote to Guido Adler: "When I wrote the music I placed myself in the situation that a child of mine had died. When I really lost my daughter, I could not have written these songs any more."

Without Our Children

Our months, become weeks and then we will be counting days, before the hours, minutes and finally seconds until a year is reached without our children.

In one month and one day I will be without Daniel for a year. For my online friend Denise, there are only a few more days left before being a year without her daughter Angie.

I wish I knew what to say to a mother who suffered through her first year of loss and agony. She who knows just like I do, that this pain is not going to end soon. I can only hold her in my thoughts and I pray that she will be surrounded by love and peace but most of all may she feel her Angie closest to her heart.

The words are from the song Tattva by Kula Shaker, for Angie and her Ma…and as always, for Daniel:

Tattva, acintya bheda abheda tattva

Like the flower and the scent of summer, like the sun and the shine
Well the truth may come in strange disguises, send a message to your mind

At the moment that you wake from sleeping, and you know it's all a dream
Well the truth may come in strange disguises, never knowing what it means

For you shall be tomorrow, like you have been today

Sunny Slice Of Magic

From the biography of the late actor Anthony Quinn, about his son Christopher who also died of drowning. This paragraph is a portrayal of my own feelings and gives a perfect description of Daniel too:

"He was like a fantastic fulcrum, around which our world could tilt and turn. It was incredible to me, and quite wonderful, the way our entire household pulsed to his doings, the way he could fill a room even in his sleep. He was everything – my flesh, my love, my hope for the future. He loved unconditionally. He was all we talked about, and all that mattered. He was, truly, a delightful child. Most proud fathers could toss off the same line without thinking about it, but I have thought about it. I think about it still, and I do not say it lightly. Christopher was a sunny slice of magic, gifted to us when we needed him the most and taken from us long before we were through."

My Heart's Desire

Our journey from life on earth to death to a renewed life in the next world will always be wrapped in mystery and there are many dogmas mainly based on religion, quantum physics or New Age spirituality about the afterlife. After Daniel had died I felt it was important for me to find more information about these beliefs but nothing was substantial enough to change my view that we cannot factually conceptualise something that is ultimately unknown.

I also have seen many poems and other inspirational pieces about our angel children in heaven – written out of love and from the heart with the intention to bring comfort rather than to give an academic insight.

About a week ago I saw this quote on Andrea's page No Empty Chairs, touching my heart possibly more than anything else that I ever have read about our eternal life. I cannot say that I intellectually agree with or specifically believe in this doctrine as taught by Joseph F Smith but his words will stay with me as a message of beauty, peaceful and heartwarming.

"The infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.' There is restitution, there is growth, and there is development, after the resurrection from death."

Andrea who has lost her little boy Wyatt added to it by saying "I love this truth. It speaks volume of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."

I know why I am so attracted to this learning. It is because nurturing Daniel was the most joyous, pleasurable and satisfactory experience that I will ever have and there nothing that I would want more than being given another chance to take care of Daniel.

Love Will Never Die

In the book April Fool's Day Bryce Courtenay celebrates the life of his son Damon and describes the difficulties of coming to terms with his tragic death.

The postscript was written by Celeste, Damon's girlfriend:

Most of the time, I am extremely happy. I feel as though I have received a beautiful blessing, something that will last all my life. Sometimes, however, I still deeply long for the physical Damon, even though I feel him close to me all the time. He and I engage in a constant silent dialogue, a dialogue of thoughts and feelings rather than of words and touches. Some days I feel hopelessly old and a bit too wise for my years. I feel marked by the weight of my experience, rather than uplifted by my learning and love. And then Damon will rush into my thoughts and I will smile and lose my seriousness and be just like anybody else again. The lovely smiling image I have of Damon will remind me that love is an energy - it can neither be created or destroyed. It just is and always will be, giving meaning to life and direction to goodness. Our love will never die.

I am not exactly where she is but many of her touching words ring true for me - if I ever will be extremely happy in this life again, I cannot believe as my extreme happiness died the day I lost my Daniel.

Mermaids

I dedicate my post today to my 2 Canadian friends Blake and Denise who are walking the same heartbreaking, challenging road than I do.

Blake has lost his son Joshua as a result of accidental drowning and I feel humble and inspired by the amazing work he does in order to create water safety awareness and stop young children from drowning, making the world a better place.

I quote from a message he wrote:

"We are in the most rotten club a person can belong to. I am going to try my best to lock the doors to this club and keep other families from joining. And I am going to teach the children to help me lock those doors"

Denise is my grief sister, a special friend, an angel. She cries with me and we share our thoughts, experiences, sad and happy memories and real life moments.

She taught me not to shy away from the symbols and signs that remind me of Daniel. She explained to me that it is Daniel’s way to tell me that he is with me and that I should embrace without fear all that symbolises Daniel's energy, like the penguins, mermaids, sea shells.

Today I bought a small beaded penguin that now drives around with me in my car and I started to smile whenever I see a pretty girl with long hair because Daniel said they were all mermaids. He loved mermaids and even Barbie and Brats dolls were mermaids and he would be very impressed if I covered his duvet and pillow with Alecia’s old Brats duvet cover and pillow case so that he could sleep and dream with the mermaids.

 "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each" 

- T.S Elliot -

The mermaid weaves a siren song that leads you to vision and mystery. Half woman, half fish, the lovely mermaid represents the power of our unconscious desires.

She gives us the power to seek beneath the waves of our emotions and dreams for the pearls that lie beneath, and she reminds us that unless we follow the truth our inner selves, then our lives are as ephemeral as sea foam.

Mermaids are symbolic of a happy and joyful time and of transmutation. They have been associated with love, intuition, hope and they live in the water realm which is the realm of the intuition, feeling, and the unconscious.

Dreams of mermaids come from deep within oneself and I often listen to the mermaids singing because they are, in fact, singing for me.

A Mother's Song

If snow falls
on the far field
where travelers
spend the night

I ask you cranes
to warm my child
in your wings

- Ancient Japanese Song -

Dream Keeper

Bring me all of your dreams,
You dreamers,
Bring me all of your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue-cloud cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.

-Author Unknown-

Luke's Army

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

- William Blake -

I dedicate these true words to my crystal angel child Daniel and to sweet little Luke Borusiewicz (22/09/2006 - 18/01/2009).

Please join Luke's Army - his story made me feel humble and thankful for the wonderful quality of the time I had with my son. No one is perfect and no one is a perfect parent. I have been emailing Michael, Lukey's dad and I have experienced him as a true person, a great father and someone who needs all the love and support that he can get and that he deserves.

Their story is too sad for me to tell and I thank Michael for the detailed comment to this post describing the horrific circumstances surrounding little Lukey's death.

Carnival Of My Dream

In the carnival of my dream I was standing on a carousal. It was one especially for mothers and small children. Around me were beautiful happy people, fancy dressed in colours and stars. Faces were painted and the little girls had long hair streaked with purple, pink and blue decorating their sweetness.

I heard the familiar melodies of nursery rhymes while we turned around, going up and down. The mothers laughed and sang along holding little ones in laughter and love. Tears were streaming down my face and for a moment I wondered why, just for a second or two before I remembered that I had lost my Daniel.

Next to me were a mother and her daughter. The little girl had pink in her hair and purple hearts painted on her cheeks. I reached out to stroke the girl's hair and she looked back at me, confused then pulled away into her mother's arms. It was the wrong carousel, a place where there was no place for me.

Our ride ended and I went looking for a quiet spot to sit.

The girl from the carousel holding her mother's hand later found me there where I was sitting against a wall hugging my knees to my chest.

The girl asked me why I was crying, her mother said that they had seen me before being so sad. I told them about Daniel. The girl took my hand while her mother handed her a bracelet. It was their special gift to me, a beautiful bracelet made from seashells.

I felt love as they walked away and I looked at the pretty charms around my wrist. I knew.

I knew in my dream just as I know now that Daniel will never be lost. He is with me. Every moment. Close to my heart, not only in my dreams but also in my world.

Daniel was born under a Piscean sun and seashells were one of his strongest and most prominent personal symbols. Seashells symbolise deep religious content and have ancestral mystical tradition.

Ancient Mexican philosophy explains the shell as a symbol of birth, generation and origins, that is to say, of life itself.

Even Though Your Gone

Dearest Danny

I found us another song. My baby, I miss you and wish I had some understanding why you were killed by people who professed to love you. Why couldn't I see through the facade? I am so sorry for what has been done to you. You would not in a million years deserve any neglect, let alone to a degree that would cost your life. My precious, precious little Pikkewyntjie.

The world is so strange. You were so innocent, sweet, perfect when your life was put on the gambling stake while the odds against your survival were high. You were far too young and vulnerable to take care of yourself. What they did to you was no accident - an accident happens when we have done everything we possibly can to minimise or eliminate any known risks. You were willingly and wantonly left in a life threatening environment without any protection but for your father's arrogant hope and false assurance that "nothing will happen to you". He left your life in the shaky, unsteady hands of lady luck.

You were let down big time by one of the person's you trusted most, your Dada Charles.

The world is a strange place dear Danny. Look at me. I am old, broken, without purpose, a burden to my family and friends. You were young, beautiful, healthy and much needed. You wanted life and you die while I want death but have to live. All mixed up, isn't it?

I wish the time for us be mammadaniel again comes soon. This Mamma and Daniel so separated from each other is not how we are. We are mammadaniel.

My lovely child, I kiss you all over, tickling you with love until you beg me in between our carefree laughter to please stop the "hieeer kom die soentjie masjien" (heeeere comes the kissing machine).

Be well my angel. I can hear your voice.
Mamma

Words are not enough
For me to say how much I miss you
You, flew away too soon
I feel so alone not with you

But when I close my eyes
Every night
I hear your voice like an angel
And you're here again by my side
I swear I hear your words
They sing through me
And I'm back where I belong
You are here even though you are gone

You're here, everywhere I go
Deep inside my heart forever
And one, one sweet day I know
We will be back together

But until we are, here in the dark
I hear your voice like an angel
And I know inside you're there
And I know that inside you'll live on

Daniel

it is here

with the spirit of the wind

that I will find

my soul

The Circle Of Love

I give my love and deepest gratitude to:

- God for giving me strength, inner peace and hopefully one day the power to forgive

- My children Henry, Alecia and  Daniel for making life so beautiful - My friends for being healers, caretakers, protectors. Their presence, thoughts, messages and prayers help to heal my wounding and ease my sorrow. Their ongoing gifts of hope and happy moments are precious and will never be forgotten.

- Every stranger who reads my story, who cry with me even if you have never met me or Daniel. You are special and I am touched by your kindness and your willingness to open yourself to my sadness and loss.

Beautiful, soul inspiring poetry from The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, as quoted from Excerpts from The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam - explained by Paramhansa Yogananda:

"Every thought we think is a flower of life's garden, and not the permanent possession of anyone. Let our thoughts, then, be fragrant and beautiful, not rank and ugly, that the memory we leave behind us be felt as a blessing on the earth."

"The more we live guided from within, the greater our control over outer events in the great game of life. For when we live at our own center, in super consciousness, we live in the only true freedom there is."

"He who made us must surely also love us. His reason for ordaining death as the final act of life must, therefore, be somehow connected with His love."

"God feels no anger, no matter how many times we err. He is the Fountainhead of limitless, unconditional love."

"Life could have been so beautiful, had mankind only lived as God intended. Instead, human life has become a jumble box to hold the pieces of a mad jigsaw puzzle - a confusing assortment of evil and good, sorrow and joy, death and life."