Five Years

Measured purely in hours and minutes, today will be 5 years since Daniel left this world, only that time after losing a child is different, without context and warped in ways that can never be counted on a calendar. 

To know that you will live the rest of your life and never see your child again turns every second into forever and it doesn’t matter how many years have passed because it will always add up to a lifetime.

***

I still miss him every second and I feel the pain as much as I did  5 years ago :(

***  
Beautiful boy. It feels impossible to have survived the last 5 years without you. My darling Daniel, I miss you more than words can even begin to describe. Our love will always be <3 span="">

Mamma xxx

Four Years (1461 Devastating Days)

 Four years without Daniel, of living every day with a broken heart, of sorrow, of missing your child more than words can say, of not telling anyone how you really feel because you know it will upset them, so you bury it deep inside yourself where it silently destroys you.

For What Binds Us

For What Binds Us

There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they've been set down --
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest --

And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend




Painting : Gustav Klimt
Words : Of Gravity and Angels - Jane Hirshfield

Your Voice

With You

the earth holds me still;

with gravity,

with sunlight,

with you.

More Than Anything

Dearest Danny

We miss you so much, each of us in our own silent way. It pain doesn't show so much any more but it hurts no less. Everywhere we things that remind us of you, in some way - things you loved and things that we know you would have loved. We miss your smiles, your fun, your sweetness, your love. We
still want you every day.

And we will always love you more than the world can possibly understand....dearest Daniel.

Mamma, Neni and Lecia xxxx

Happy Birthday Dearest Daniel

Dearest Daniel

Today will always be your day, my Darling. We remember you and we miss you in every possible way. We try to imagine you turning seven, in a life where we haven't lost you. We cry, we ache, we long, we wish for you to still be here. But most of all we love you. We love you more than all the world and all the stars and everything else, forever and ever.

Have a happy birthday, precious Pikkewyntjie.

Mamma, Neni and Lecia.

Our Angel Our Star

Danny's funeral was today, three years ago. How I can hardly bear to write these words or to rationally think about the reality of what I am saying, that Daniel is dead, that we had a funeral for him and that he is lifeless buried l in a grave.

The paragraph to follow are from a book about a family who also lost their youngest child and brother, When a child dies by Jim O'Shea, the words could have been my own:

As they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease that pain, as the dark earth claimed their young brother.

Mama, Neni, Lecia and Daniel. The bond that holds us close and the love that we share can never be broken, no time or distance or death will ever come between us. Our love will always be dearest Daniel. Precious Pikkewyntjie. Our Angel. Our Star.

Three Years

From my Facebook page, 2 days ago:

Three years without Daniel. It feels like a lifetime and also like just a moment ago, still unreal but also too real and more sad than words can say. We miss him every day, every second and find our comfort in the love we share, a love that will always be.

From a Skype chat with a friend, 3 days ago:

[2012/01/05 06:57PM] Alison Starbuck:

 tomorrow will most probably feel more empty than sad

 but you never know

 i also learned that these things are unpredictable

 i will just take the day as it comes
 and do whatever feels easiest for me
 i think i will be ok

From my heart, today:

I know now that I will probably ok regardless. I have no choice, if I managed to survive 3 years, I will survive the rest of my life. As sad as it may be. Even if I feel sure that no one can survive a heart as broken as mine.

It doesn't seem right or makes logical sense to me but this is how it is.

And this time of every year will be the time that Daniel died. It is more than just one day that marks another 365 days without him. It is a feeling that stretches over days from before Christmas until after his birthday in the beginning of March. I miss him more, feel sadder and every sorrowful emotion I had since he died keeps on surfacing in my heart and in my mind. I don't know what more to say or what to do more than just somehow making it through the minutes, hours and days. Until another year.

Until I die too.

Little Bird

My Daniel

A little bird, a hole in my heart, an emptiness that cannot describe or understand, it feels so long and also so short. I miss you my Angel. Every moment of my life and with every breath I take. You know, I know. My tears. My sorrow. My wish that losing you wasn't true. A hopelessness and heartache too much to bear but somehow I do. I love you. I love you so much, as always and forever, my Daniel. Pikkewyntjie.

Mama xxx

When We Dream

 

When I am asked: "Alison, how are you doing?" I give all sorts of answers....

To someone who doesn’t know that I lost my Daniel and only ask me to be polite, I would say that I am fine. I know it is not true as I will never in my life be fine again but what else can I say?

To my friends that I haven’t seen in a while, I would say that life is treating me good and that I am as well as I possibly could be. Which is the truth. Or I will say that I am better and that I am doing ok. I omit that it is only a part of me that feels better and that I am doing ok only sometimes, not always.

But to really say how I am is difficult as I just don’t know. I am happy and I am sad together. It is an emotional paradox that leaves me confused and I find it too complex to unpack into something understandable. (So please forgive me if this post doesn’t make any sense, this would be why). 

I am happy because of those I call my loved ones – the people close to my heart who feel my pain and share in my laughter. I seek happiness and good moments not for myself but as something to give in return for the endless love, friendship and support I am receiving. Being happy (even while I am sad) is to show my gratitude and one of the best ways I can think of to say, I love you too.

And I am sad because I want my Daniel. I ache for him and for every day that I have lived so far without him. He is in my thoughts and in my heart all the time, regardless of what else I would be doing at the time. I cannot comprehend my future as even one more day without him feels impossibly long.

I often wonder how my life will unfold, if anything will change or if it will just be as it has been since I lost my child. Taking day by day, doing the things that need to be done while looking back in disbelief, wondering how I possibly made it this far with a heart as broken as mine and an inside ripped to pieces. No healing, no relief, no cure, just this unbearable pain.

I also know that Henry, Alecia, Daniel and I will always be. Nothing can destroy the love that we share or the bond that hold us close. We are more than everything and all that matters. 

We are us…MamaDanielLeciaNeni.

Like Moonlight

From: Beyond Reason; Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher (B Coville)

“Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people—they always go away, sooner or later. You can’t hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you,then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.”

Part of Me

A bit of where I am, nearly two and a half years after losing my Daniel (how it breaks my heart to think and to know of all these many days that I already have lived without my child).

Some days are better than others. I am not talking about the obviously very sad days like birthdays and anniversary days, I mean all the days in between are not the same. I may wake up and feel as overwhelmed by sorrow as I did that day when Daniel died. Or I may wake up and feel some lightness and peace woven into the sadness and it will be a happier day. Or I may feel it all in only one day.

There is no pattern to these different waves of emotion I experience and while there are times that my despair will be triggered by something that specifically reminds me of Daniel, the cause of my agony is mostly just my own awareness of my child’s death.

I mostly say that I’m okay when someone asks how I am. It is easier and less painful, for me and for the other person.

I am haunted by the day of Daniel’s death and the nightmare of having to relive every detail of it over and over again, and I am still unable to apply concepts of forgiveness, justice, right and wrong to my own , to Daniel’s death and to how Daniel’s father behaved towards me after Daniel’s death.

I am thankful for all the good in my life: my children, wonderful friendships to warm my heart, anything beautiful, moments of pleasure, things I enjoy, tiny steps towards peace, my dreams and hopes.

I miss Daniel. Two nights ago I fell asleep wrapped in Daniel’s blanket on a pillow wet with tears. I still hear his voice and I can recall every small detail of how he looked, the way his fingers folded into my hand, how his hair curled, how his skin felt, the exact shape of his legs, his sweet smell… my Daniel. I will always remember.

Namaste, dearest Daniel, my love for you will always be x x x

I Felt You Near

From: Papertissue

All The Time

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards:

...it is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.

Christian

As written by Derek, Christian's dad:

On July 13, 2007 our 4 year old son Christian passed away from Drowning at a local town run camp. We have started a Non-Profit organization to provide life jackets to all children at all camps, lakes, beaches and town run pools across the state of Massachusetts (Currently not required or wanted).

Our son Christian, drowned in our town run camp. He was there for 2 hours on his first day and the 5 staff members and lifeguards didn’t see him. We are in the process here of changing laws and have started a Non-Profit to change some of this law and provide USCG Approved Life Jackets to all lakes and ponds and possibly beaches where kids can get a free loaner jacket. We set it up this way so all children will be safe even if they cant afford to buy one.

Christian was a child that every parent would want. He was loving, caring, and always happy. Unfortunatly we lost him July 13th,2007 to an unforgivable mistake made by lifeguards and staff at the local run day camp. He was there for 2 hours on his first day. While nobody was watching him, he drowned. There is not a day that goes by that I dont cry for him at least once. god I miss him. How could anyone take him from me, he was my best friend and son.

Christian was born on October 17th 2002. We couldnt have been happier. That gave us 2 boys in 14 months that could grow up together and be best friends. They were best friends and his brother Cameron was there the day that he died. Cameron still talks about him daily and tries to make us happy by saying things like he is sitting next to you or I just saw his angel. It is so hard watching cameron without Christian, he looks so alone.

This really is the hardest thing to write. He is gone forever and we cant accept that. Why did we trust others? Why did we take him there? What if we took him there even a minute later, would he still be here. There are so many whys and still no answers. How can we ever forgive ourselves? We trusted and it made our son gone. How can we trust again?

CEF foundation includes 2 separate entities. First CEF Foundation is working to pass Christian's Law, see other page, as well as donate USCG Approved Life jackets to any child that requires one. Everything CEF Foundation does is to promote and provide safety to children that are anywhere near water.

With the backing of Kids Don't Float, a part of Safekids USA, we are collecting numerous lifejackets to provide to town and city run camps once Christian's Law is passed.

I want to ask every person who visits my blog to please support Derek and the CEF Foundation, in any way that you can. Please join the cause on Facebook "Stop Childhood Drowning" created to prevent the senseless loss of our children to drowning.

Daniel's death was senseless and very easily preventable. The only reason my child died was because his stepmother chose to play computer games above caring for the 3 year old child that she had left without supervision while he had free access to an open and unfenced swimming pool. Nothing will ever bring Daniel back but there are things that we can do to let people like Daniel's stepmother think twice...

To Be Free

In the two years since I have lost Daniel, I have experienced how good our human nature can be. So many people have opened their hearts to my pain to give love, kindness, compassion and support without hoping or wanting to get anything in return.

I also saw the bad side of human nature, how cruel and malicious people can be. In my case they were only a handful but their actions were deliberately hurtful and destructive.It is this unjustified antagonism that caused me to become more and more reluctant to post anything personal.

I worried about how vulnerable it might make me if I should continue to tell my story. When I started this blog I had so little left to lose that it really didn’t matter. It is different now - through the nothingness, precious bits of new happiness and renewed prosperity have emerged. I have a life again.

But I decided that I won’t give up this blog which means so much to me because I fear what people may do to me. I will write…

… a few short posts about the hurtful things that happened just after Daniel had died. I believe that sharing these truths will help to free me from my fear.

… about all the good things that happened since my last update; the sweet miracles and really more happiness than I ever thought possible.

… about Daniel and my endless love for him. Always, because this is what it is all about. My love.

(I don’t know if I will ever be able to write about finding answers to the questions or about justice being served to the person responsible for Daniel’s death, but for now there is still hope, still a chance. Which is good.)

Two Years

My Danny

To me you are something of unusual beauty unlike most everyone. Like serenity incarnate. But I need to touch beautiful things to know they are real. Sometimes I worry I dreamed you, and that I am so much less free. You are like faith and air and freedom and my small hours seem mostly to be yours.

What I feel for you flows through all that is and my love for you is greater than life itself.

Missing you more and more, as it will be.

Mamma xxx

The One You Can't Put Down

From: The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)

"A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world.

But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after - that's love by a different name.

She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. So instead you rock my the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks.

She's the one you can't put down."

Shattered

From my Facebook wall, my status updates of two years ago. I was so happy about life, love, everything – excited to go on holiday with my children and positive about the new year….

November 29, 2008
Alison is loving the charm and delight of serendipitous occurrences

December 4, 2008
Alison is following her synchronistic destiny and is so happy with where she is going to...

December 5, 2008
Alison is looking for a star lost inside a prayer for I have heard that the answer to love is there.... smile*

December 9, 2008
Alison is a very proud mom blessed with 3 most wonderful children

December 10, 2008
Alison is counting the days

December 11, 2008
Alison is in a happy space

December 12, 2008
Alison is so excited, I just can't hide it

December 14,
Alison is as sweet as my dreams

December 17, 2008
Alison is loving the things that life is showing me

December 27, 2008
Alison is wishing her wonderful daughter a happy 14th birthday today!

December 27, 2008
Alison posted 10 new photos

December 28, 2008
Alison is your girl :)) 


January 7, 2009 (at 7:47 am)
Alison ...to my friends who haven't heard the devastating news...my darling child died yesterday. Daniel is no more with us. Please pray for Hendri, Alecia and me.