Last Day

Today a year ago was the last full day that I had Daniel with me, a day before I would take him to visit his father without seeing him again .

This last day that we had together was significant, happy and sweet, just like every other day I had with Daniel.

Daniel and I slept until late that morning. As we came back from holiday the previous night and he slept for so long in the car, I expected him to be up early but he just woke up to ask for his bottle with warm milk before cuddling back to sleep with me. Since he was a baby it was one of our favourite treats to stay in bed for a bit more sleep after waking up and that was how we spent our last morning together.

Later that day I took Daniel for a drive through the mountains It was a beautiful afternoon in many ways and I wrote all about it in an earlier post with the title "Dreams and Wishes"

As Daniel was a child with very clear ideas about exactly what he wanted and exactly how it should happen it was very important to him to make sure that other person (mostly me) understood what he needed. He explained to me that he wanted to go to his dad when we came back from holiday and so the visit was arranged. I told him that I would take him the following day and his confirmed it with a phone call.

But to make sure I knew what to do, Daniel presented me with a photo of his father and firmly said:

"This is my dad!" (as if I didn't know who his dad was), followed by

"And I want to go there!"

I just smiled and said "Yes, I know" wondering about his sweet serious underestimation of my intelligence and thinking how much I love him.

Much later that evening he asked if I could play with him. I said yes and asked what he wanted to play. He said I must take Barney and he will take Simba from The Lion King and we must talk. Daniel enjoyed these role play games and often used it as a way to tell me about himself and about what is happening in his life. So we started our conversation, me as Barney and Daniel as Simba.

Simba:     Hello, who are you?
Barney:    I am Barney and who are you?
Simba:     I am Simba.
Simba:     Barney, what are you doing?
Barney:    I am talking to Simba. And Simba, what are you doing?
Simba:     I am looking for my son….

Said in the saddest tone of voice and so Daniel continued on his own, as Simba, searching the house, looking everywhere for his son.

He did it in such an intense and sad way that I agreed with Alecia to "ban" the Lion King movies and books from our house.

If we only knew that Daniel wasn't acting out a scene from a Walt Disney movie, he showed us our future, in only four days we would all be like Simba, searching in distress and deep sadness, looking everywhere for our lost son.


Andrea said...

Thinking of you and praying for you. I'm so glad you have those memories and remember them so clearly but I also know how painful they can be. Those lasts are so bittersweet. What an amazing mother you are. Your love for Daniel is so evident. I'm sure if Daniel could speak to you right now he would tell you how much he loves his mom and how grateful he is for every little thing you did for him while he was on the earth. I was so touched by how you described the things you did with him on your last day together. It brought tears to my much you must totally miss all those things. Oh, it's beyond hard!
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It truly is the hardest thing in the world. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Sending my love your way. Especially this month...a very difficult one for you! I hope in some way your Daniel will let you know how much he loves his amazing mother.

Kat said...

Alison many angels know their day is arriving, Hannah did a similar thing the day she died and also weeks before her death. Know im here and i fyou want to talk on the phone let me know and I will ring you. Many hugs to you my friend remember the good memories Hugs to H and A too.

Belinda said...

Big hugs to you Alison ♥♥♥♥

Deb said...

what a lovely memory, snuggling in bed with your precious boy. Thinking of you today Alison xxxxxx

Belinda said...

Alison, to relive everything must be a total nightmare for you. The memories are still so real l, of you and your little angel. May you have the strength that you so need today, and the next couple of days. When I have my quiet time today, I will pray for you. I will pray that the angels of peacefulness will be with you. Lots of warm love and hugs to you, my friend. x

Belinda said...

Just read the whole story on our "last day", Alison I can`t believe the significance between the story, and actual life events. It must have been a very special day between Mom and Son. But, so sad never the less. My heart is aching right now. x

JV said...

I am thinking of you, so much... be strong Ally...

Ilke said...

Thinking of you my friend. x

Luke's Dad said...

I wish you the blessing of a dream where you are with Daniel again. Nothing is better, is it? I hope you are ok.

Ina said...

Ai Alison, dit is so verkeerd dat ek `n dag vol vreugde het en jy `n dag vol huil. Ek wens so dat ek dit kon verander vir jou. Wees net verseker dat ons almal laas jaar se gebeure saam met jou herleef en dat ons vir jou bid vir krag. Sterkte met hierdie moeilike tyd - veral die 6de.

Tracy said...

Hi there All's Bells!!! I am thinking about you - always but especially now.... May Daniel's light shine through and bring you a little peace and comfort during this especially difficult time.. Look at the stars, and search for the brightest one, and there my dear you will find a little piece of Daniel winking at you... from high above... Lots and lots of love - I hope you can feel the energy that you are receiving right now, not only from me - but an abundance of otheres.... T xoxox

Erna said...

Ek dink besonder baie aan jou vanaand. Weet net jy is in my gedagtes, en baie sterkte vir jou.

Andrea said...

Thinking of you today. I hope you are comforted in some way. Sending my love and a great big hug your way.

InfEnMa said...

Dear Alison,
No words can succeed in expressing anything today. I only hope that somehow you feel the love of all the bright creatures. The universe is build upon them. Daniel was and will always be one of them. There is no end.

With love,

Maroussia said...

It will be great to watch Lion King, i have bought tickets from looking forward to it.