Letting Go

A year ago was Daniel's funeral. I felt completely disturbed after leaving the cemetery, disturbed about my child closed up  in a coffin and buried under the ground. The more I thought of it the more I just wanted him to be taken out again. I spent that night in horror and tears and could not wait for the next morning to beg my family and friends to help me so that we could get Daniel back from his grave.

I understood that it would only be his lifeless body but I didn't care. I wanted as much of him as possible with me. I felt that I still needed to make sure that he was warm when it was cold outside and cool when the sun baked down. I wanted him to have fresh air and not to be alone. My heart told me that to have a dead Daniel was much better than no Daniel.

It took a long time and only after I left the town where he is buried that started to find acceptance about this all. The panic still comes back at times, but only for short whiles, like earlier tonight.

These days I mostly think of his soul. I feel his spirit in the wind. I carry his heart in my heart.