Letter Unanswered

A year ago, 3 days after Daniel had drowned, I wrote this letter to his dad.
Dear Charles

I have an all consuming longing to be with Daniel. Losing him was absolutely the worst thing that could have happened to me, Henry and Alecia. We haven’t been back to our house as it is too painful. I thought of booking into a hotel but then it will only be us, on our own. Daniel was our everything and a most special part of our every day life for nearly 4 years. We are lost in sorrow and hurt.

I am sorry I was so angry with you and Sue it was pointless, as nothing will bring Daniel back and I pray that my time on this earth will pass soon so that I can be with Daniel again.

I cannot look at photos of Daniel, think about him and about the things he used to do or love because of the intensity and extreme pain that shoots through my entire being.

Alecia is in a very dark place her soul broken into pieces and Henry has become like a robot, closed up and without emotion.

I was so sure that you love and care for Daniel as much as I do. You were the first and only person that I ever trusted to take Daniel away on his own. I gave you that sacred trust because you were his dad. Do you know how confused I feel at the moment? I wonder how much you really loved him and I wonder how Sue really felt about him. I am not blaming you or her because if anyone, I blame myself for letting go of Daniel. I just wish I had a better explanation and understanding of what happened on Tuesday.

I can’t sleep and haven’t eaten since Tuesday because I can’t manage to swallow any food. I wonder if you also battle to cope and Sue? She is the lucky one who has her children still with her but I promise you, I wish not for her or anyone else to ever feel this hell of losing a child.

May I die soon because what I feel now is unbearable.

Take care


Andrea said...

Oh Alison,
I'm just soooo very sorry for what you are having to go through. I am just sickened by they way Daniel's dad has handled this...oh, just SICKENED! So sorry you have that to deal with this as well as the hell of losing your everything. It truly is beyond hard! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Dawn said...

Hi Ali, My heart goes out to you and your children. There are many people in this world who cares for you and keep you close in their hearts and thoughts. You are an incredibly strong lady and I know in my heart that you will somehow hang on and get through. All my love....

Belinda said...

Alison, my dear friend that is a really heart sore letter that you had to write to Danny`s Dad. No wonder you carry the extra hurt and pain as you have had no sympathy from one of the people that you needed it from the most. That is a really heavy load for you to be carrying, and it is kind of unforgivable for Danny`s Dad to just shut you out like ... See Morethat, when you have so many questions that have never been answered. Children love both their parents so much, but that this nightmare could of happened, and no explanation given to you the Mother of his precious boy, that is really hard. All I can say is, in your heart you know what you are, and what your angel meant to you. And, to enable yourself to heal you have to let go of those unaswered questions that you have, and to release Charles and Sue out of your emotions. Or else, it is just going to make you get sick, and you cannot allow them to do that to you. You have two beautiful children to live for, and you are a beautiful Angel, and God knows that, and he will protect you, and make you whole again. Lots of love to you, and you are truely an inspiration to me. x

Dylan said...

Just to let you know I'm sending lots and lots of love and good energy from London.
I've not lost a child but have lost my folks and others close in life and understand how much pain you must be going through. You just have to go with it - feel it and experience it and live the good memories.
Love you lots