Conscious Universe

 A small piece from a bigger picture....

When I write a blog post I always finish all the writing before I select a title for the post and only after that will I select a photo. Sometimes I know exactly which photo I want and sometimes I would just browse through our pictures until I find one.
My find tonight was a happy discovery. I looked through the photos of our December holiday just before Daniel died so many times but never before did I notice that in the background of another photo were Daniel and I - close as we always will be - building sand castles on the beach.

Lecia's Love

From Alecia (now 15 years old) written on 6 January 2010 - a year after she has lost her beloved baby brother:
It's been a year since i lost u.
I'm just wondering when its going to start feeling better.
Do u ever get over losing the one thing u love most.
i miss u danny.
smile 4 me today.
From before Daniel was born Alecia had made special 'I love you' cards and pictures for him. She did these pictures when he was about a year old.

Letting Go

A year ago was Daniel's funeral. I felt completely disturbed after leaving the cemetery, disturbed about my child closed up  in a coffin and buried under the ground. The more I thought of it the more I just wanted him to be taken out again. I spent that night in horror and tears and could not wait for the next morning to beg my family and friends to help me so that we could get Daniel back from his grave.

I understood that it would only be his lifeless body but I didn't care. I wanted as much of him as possible with me. I felt that I still needed to make sure that he was warm when it was cold outside and cool when the sun baked down. I wanted him to have fresh air and not to be alone. My heart told me that to have a dead Daniel was much better than no Daniel.

It took a long time and only after I left the town where he is buried that started to find acceptance about this all. The panic still comes back at times, but only for short whiles, like earlier tonight.

These days I mostly think of his soul. I feel his spirit in the wind. I carry his heart in my heart.

Baby Danny

Daniel when he was 5 days old.

I was so completely in love with my baby and just couldn't get enough of him. The photos were taken by a wonderful friend who came to visit especially to take photos of baby Danny for me. (This was the first of about 6 photo sessions.)

Pictures of Daniel are my treasures because it is still the same, that I cannot get enough of him and will spend hours looking at his photos, dreaming of him, missing him, loving him. As always and forever and ever.

Letter Unanswered

A year ago, 3 days after Daniel had drowned, I wrote this letter to his dad.
Dear Charles

I have an all consuming longing to be with Daniel. Losing him was absolutely the worst thing that could have happened to me, Henry and Alecia. We haven’t been back to our house as it is too painful. I thought of booking into a hotel but then it will only be us, on our own. Daniel was our everything and a most special part of our every day life for nearly 4 years. We are lost in sorrow and hurt.

I am sorry I was so angry with you and Sue it was pointless, as nothing will bring Daniel back and I pray that my time on this earth will pass soon so that I can be with Daniel again.

I cannot look at photos of Daniel, think about him and about the things he used to do or love because of the intensity and extreme pain that shoots through my entire being.

Alecia is in a very dark place her soul broken into pieces and Henry has become like a robot, closed up and without emotion.

I was so sure that you love and care for Daniel as much as I do. You were the first and only person that I ever trusted to take Daniel away on his own. I gave you that sacred trust because you were his dad. Do you know how confused I feel at the moment? I wonder how much you really loved him and I wonder how Sue really felt about him. I am not blaming you or her because if anyone, I blame myself for letting go of Daniel. I just wish I had a better explanation and understanding of what happened on Tuesday.

I can’t sleep and haven’t eaten since Tuesday because I can’t manage to swallow any food. I wonder if you also battle to cope and Sue? She is the lucky one who has her children still with her but I promise you, I wish not for her or anyone else to ever feel this hell of losing a child.

May I die soon because what I feel now is unbearable.

Take care

Last Day

Today a year ago was the last full day that I had Daniel with me, a day before I would take him to visit his father without seeing him again .

This last day that we had together was significant, happy and sweet, just like every other day I had with Daniel.

Daniel and I slept until late that morning. As we came back from holiday the previous night and he slept for so long in the car, I expected him to be up early but he just woke up to ask for his bottle with warm milk before cuddling back to sleep with me. Since he was a baby it was one of our favourite treats to stay in bed for a bit more sleep after waking up and that was how we spent our last morning together.

Later that day I took Daniel for a drive through the mountains It was a beautiful afternoon in many ways and I wrote all about it in an earlier post with the title "Dreams and Wishes"

As Daniel was a child with very clear ideas about exactly what he wanted and exactly how it should happen it was very important to him to make sure that other person (mostly me) understood what he needed. He explained to me that he wanted to go to his dad when we came back from holiday and so the visit was arranged. I told him that I would take him the following day and his confirmed it with a phone call.

But to make sure I knew what to do, Daniel presented me with a photo of his father and firmly said:

"This is my dad!" (as if I didn't know who his dad was), followed by

"And I want to go there!"

I just smiled and said "Yes, I know" wondering about his sweet serious underestimation of my intelligence and thinking how much I love him.

Much later that evening he asked if I could play with him. I said yes and asked what he wanted to play. He said I must take Barney and he will take Simba from The Lion King and we must talk. Daniel enjoyed these role play games and often used it as a way to tell me about himself and about what is happening in his life. So we started our conversation, me as Barney and Daniel as Simba.

Simba:     Hello, who are you?
Barney:    I am Barney and who are you?
Simba:     I am Simba.
Simba:     Barney, what are you doing?
Barney:    I am talking to Simba. And Simba, what are you doing?
Simba:     I am looking for my son….

Said in the saddest tone of voice and so Daniel continued on his own, as Simba, searching the house, looking everywhere for his son.

He did it in such an intense and sad way that I agreed with Alecia to "ban" the Lion King movies and books from our house.

If we only knew that Daniel wasn't acting out a scene from a Walt Disney movie, he showed us our future, in only four days we would all be like Simba, searching in distress and deep sadness, looking everywhere for our lost son.