Time Now

Time scares me….

… because every second contributes to a growing distance between now and when I still had Daniel. A new day is one day further away from when I last saw him. It is already a bit more than 2 months. Soon it will late be a year. Then two years and ten and twenty. I don’t want that Daniel to become something that happened long ago – I want him to stay part of my recent past.

… because I will get older every year but Daniel will always be only 3 years and 10 months old.

… because it makes me more and more aware of the reality that my child has really died. My mind has clinically accept the knowledge the moment I was told that Daniel had drowned but I have this subtle irrational feeling in my heart that this cannot be true. It makes me feel detached and blissfully numb; but I can feel how time allows reality to filter through my defense of this just being a very bad dream and with these moments of emotional realisation comes the most unbearable pain, an agony that words cannot describe.

… because we can never turn back the clock. If only we could.
Dear Lee
Thank you so much for this photo and also for all the other photos that you have taken with so much love. They are priceless treasures.
Thank for being a good person in Daniel's life and for loving "our little Dan the Man" as if he was your own child. I will never forget the laughs and special moments shared between the 3 of us.
Love
Alls Bells

4 comments:

Kathy Wood said...

Time can also become your friend. Even though it's hard to contemplate now, time does lessen the sharp pain and dulls it so you can continue on with your life. Time allows you to celebrate Daniel's life-wish I had known him! Thinking of you, Alison...

Lee-Anne said...

Alls, my heart breaks every time I think of man, Dan and the wonderful times we shared together as a family. I miss you a lot.
Be strong my honey.
xx

(via Facebook)

Jean Vincent said...

We are here.... we'll be here when the clock keeps on clicking... we will not replace, but we will heal....

(via facebook)

Carrie Kruger said...

Alison, my dear friend, I feel every bit of pain with you and experience all these feelings daily...stay strong xxx

(via facebook)