Our Home

After Daniel had died, I never went back to our home other than to pack up everything. Henry and Alecia's things went with them to their dad. A few pieces of furniture, one box with some of my personal things and everything that was Daniel's went into storage. The rest I gave away. I couldn't bear the thought of opening the same fridge not seeing Daniel's food inside or having to wash clothes in the same washing machine that I used to wash Daniel's clothes. Same with our TV, DVD player, everything I had in my kitchen, curtains, linen and other things we had in our house content. It was 13 months ago when I closed the door of our home for the last time and I drove away knowing that the life I had with my 3 children will never be again.

Today I wrote on Facebook that I was happier than I ever thought I could possibly be after Daniel had died.

Grieving Parents

If I look back at the Last year and a bit, the time that started after I lost Daniel, I see so many wonderful things that came to me. I see how God gave me all these blessing to make life easier and as good as it could possibly get.

The letter is from me to someone whom I first met as a fellow blogger around the middle of last year. From the beginning his friendship has been a source of strength and support and I felt immensely sad and helpless when he recently lost his son, as suddenly and unexpected as I lost Daniel.

Dearest Friend

I hope you are as well as you possibly can be so shortly after your loss. If I think back to how I felt a year ago, I relive the intensity of complex emotions and unanswered questions. I wish there was more that I could do to ease your pain but to be your friend.

When I think of Daniel, I have so many thoughts and feelings but among them are two things that I now with my entire being, heart, mind and soul and that is that Daniel is safe and happy where he is now and that I will definitely see him again. I also believe this to be true for your son and for you.

I wish you strength and peace. You are an amazing person and I know you will conquer your pain but it takes time. This is not a quick or easy journey and don't push yourself to remember if you are not ready for the memories.

It took me a year before I could look for the first time at one of the few small video clips I have of Daniel and I still have a brown paper bag in my cupboard which I haven't open. It came from the hospital where Daniel was taken to after he had drowned. When I arrived there he was naked under a sheet and the clothes he had one were put in a bag. I still don't have the heart to know what he was wearing when he died.

There is no time limit on how and when we open ourselves to all that encompass the loss of our children. When we are personally ready and strong enough to face each memory, we will. It can be today, tomorrow or never. There is no right or wrong. And my only advise to any grieving parent is to do what you feel are best for you. I have seen how unique we are in our mourning. Just be as good and as kind to yourself as you can be.

I keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Love, Alison

Sharing A Wish

The beautiful ecard below was sent to me on Daniel's birthday, from Debbie. We know each other only through this blog and some email communication. She wrote to me that she felt so helpless as there was nothing that she could do other than to tell that she cared - but it is the most that any person possibly can do to make things better for me. Just care.

Precious Moments

Daniel loved the Baby Einstein DVD's and I loved to watch it with him. The words are from the Baby Shakespeare DVD and I share it today as a gift of love to to my Danny Baby. Because for us, these are more than just words - it holds a piece of our precious memory and the feeling of our togetherness.

I love to see the big white moon shining in the sky
I love to see the little stars and scattered clouds go by
I love to hear the raindrops falling in the night
and the soft wind sighs at dawns grey light

The photos were taken when Daniel was 3 months old and are more than just pictures - these are also images of  happiness and forever love.

Angels

angels come in many forms

they can be the ones you have in heaven 

or they can be your best friend

or they appear in the ones you love

we all have an angel inside us

and one watching over us
- mysticzen -

Happy Birthday Dearest Daniel

The photo was taken on the day that Daniel and I came home from the hospital after he was born. It felt so right when I had Daniel in my arms that I never tried to put him to sleep in his own bed, I just cuddled with him until he (and sometimes me too) fell asleep. I am still sure that he was the happiest baby in the world and that I was the happiest mom. It made me feel so complete in myself, being the mom of my three children. Whenever I thought of my unique but perfect little family, my heart spontaneously overflowed with pure joy.

Dearest Daniel

Happy happy birthday. You would have been a glorious 5 years old today and I imagined  what I would have given to you for your birthday today

A day at the beach
A birthday cake with 500 candles (as you could never get enough of blowing out candles
All the Walt Disney movies that were released the past year
A first outing to the movies, to see Toy Story 3, don’t worry Darling, I won't forget the popcorn
A big bag of extra pieces to add to your wooden train set
An illustrated hardcover version of The House on Pooh Corner
Something Ben10 ( I just guess this being the ”in thing” for 5 year old boys)

Most of all I wish and want to give you the one impossible gift, giving you your life back.

Like every other day, I want to kiss you and give you the biggest sweetest Mamma hug ever. I want to touch your face and stroke you hair. I want you, my Angel.

Take care my Danieltjie, I hold you close in my heart and I give to you my love, like always, Mamma x x x

No Tomorrow

I took out these photos of Henry and Alecia, when they were respectively 5 years old.

I wanted to imagine Daniel at the same age but my thoughts became like a vague dream, accompanied by a deep sadness and many tears. I will never know.

See, it is Daniel's birthday tomorrow. He would have turned 5.