It took only a moment to tell me that Daniel had died but in just those few seconds nearly every dimension of my being and the world as I knew it, shattered into a million pieces. My mental capacity was reduced to a single repetitive thought saying that this was not true, not Daniel, not like that. I waited to be taken to Daniel, folded double in pain, vomiting, nauseous from trauma and shock. My joy became  sorrow, making every emotion I could possibly feel extremely painful.

More than a year has passed since I lost Daniel and I still feel the pain ever present, tearing through my soul. But it is no longer the only feeling I have – I also have regained some good emotions. Out of the generally accepted top ten positive emotions, I have half of them present and half missing from my life.

Of the missing five, I can possibly see three to still return : Interest, Amusement and Awe. The other two are Joy and Hope. There is obviously no hope to have Daniel back and while I might find some happiness again, I don't believe joy will ever be possible. My five good emotions are:
My heartfelt gratitude goes to God, for His grace, for showering my life with blessings and it also goes to every person who has opened their heart for me or who has gone out of their way to keep me standing.
Serenity is a sense of peace and wholeness and it often comes triumph over suffering. This is how I feel when I think about Daniel. I know without any doubt that I will see him again and that his soul is happy and safe.
I will dedicate a future blog post to write about all that I find inspirational. That is apart from my 3 beautiful children who will always be my biggest source of inspiration. They give me the will to overcome, endure and be greater than any adversity.
And then there is Michael, Luke's Dad. Visit his site Luke's Army and read his story, he makes me feel humble about my loss in many ways.
Compassion as a feeling of concern for another person's suffering accompanied by a subsequent desire to alleviate the suffering. The Dalai Lama says, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." But I think it is even more than than that - our random and not so random acts of kindness can change another person's world.
Love is the one emotion that remained within me untouched by Daniel's death. Even my darkest saddest moments didn't affect the flow of love to and from my heart. Love encompasses all that is good and has the power to make anything better.
I love love
I love Daniel.
I miss him so much and cannot believe all this time has already passed. My memory of him is still perfect, I can hear his voice and can see every detail of how he looked. I fall asleep imaging him in my arms and feeling his presence. There are still days that I scream to have him back and many nights that I cry myself to sleep, wanting, longing, yearning with all my being for my dearest dearest Daniel child.


debbie said...

Thank you for this post. Still thinking of you.

Pokagon Member said...

bohzo Allison

Thinking of you! and remembering Daniel.


Belinda said...

Alison, what beautiful words. I cry in my heart all over for you and your beautiful Danny boy. You are one strong, women, and I honour your ability to see the positive emotions in your life. x

cara @ intimeofsorrow said...

Peace be with you, dear momma. May your soul rest. How beautiful is your love.

Eric said...

I just read all your entries over the past year.

I don't know you, but please accept my sympathies, my minute comfort from abroad, my prayers, and my sincere desire for you, Henry, and Alecia to feel better, day by day.

I know that in the years to come you'll experience more and more of the top ten positive emotions.

Thank you for reminding me of the real reason I do what I do (my company makes pool safety fencing - www.poolfence.com). Sometimes, in the day to day, you can almost forget why you're working.

I've posted a link to your blog on my Pool Safety for Children page on Facebook. I hope you don't mind.

Much love from South Florida, USA.

- Eric Lupton

Helmet said...

I am so sorry. I had a nephew pass away last year because there was a hole in the neighbors pool fence and he drowned. Be strong and thank you for sharing this personal story with us. God bless.