About Happiness

Re-establishing my ability to enjoy life turned out to be a journey on its own filled with contradicting emotions and ideas. My list below is a random mixture of my thoughts and feelings about finding personal happiness in my world without Daniel.

• To be happy is not as easy and clear as it was before Daniel died, it has become a complex, confusing and often impossible emotion. It feels completely wrong to be happy but it is still so essential to my well being.
   
• I am aware that it is very normal for bereaved parents to feel guilty whenever they feel happy and I know all the reasons why to release the guilt but I cannot overcome the strong sense inside me that any happiness in my life will reduces from the severity of the tragedy caused by Daniel’s drowning. It feels as if my sadness is testimonial to the depth of my loss and that the only way to stay loyal to the love I have for Daniel would be to continue to mourn his death.
   
• It is okay with me that it will be a different happiness that I will find because regardless of what good fortune may cross my path, I will never feel so resolved and deeply content as I felt while I shared my life with Daniel.
   
• There was something unique and very special about Daniel’s love and I will never be able to put to words how it really was with Daniel and how it really is without him. Whenever I talk with Henry and Alecia about Daniel, we always say that no one but us will ever completely understand how broken we are. Daniel was far far more than just my child or their baby brother. He was our world and centre of our happy togetherness as a family.
   
• On the day of Daniel’s funeral I made a promise to myself that I will do my best to live what is left of my life as happy as I could possibly be and that I promised that I would not allow sorrow to destroy me. At the time, I was in such a deep state of shock that it felt quite possible and achievable. As the disbelief and initial devastation subsided to make place for the reality I often doubt my ability to fulfill this promise.

Love Me Too

Dearest Daniel

I still think of you all the time and the pain in my being is ever present. I remember our special moments together with so much clarity that if I close my eyes I can imagine you being with me.

I remember...

....how we sang the Barney song together

I love you

You love me

We're a happy family

With a great big hug

and a kiss from me to you

won't you say...

YOU LOOOOVE MEEEE TOOO

....how you would put your little arms around me saying "Sowwy Mamma" whenever you thought I was sad about something. I you could do it today, it will once again take away all my sadness. Oh my darling, I miss you so much.

...how you insisted that your feet be open when you slept.

...how every single light had to be switched off when you went to bed and that the only light you allowed would moonlight shining over us.

I look at the moon and the stars and I feel our love binding us together. My Angel child, I will cry about you until we are together again.

I love you
From your Mamma

My Heart's Desire

Our journey from life on earth to death to a renewed life in the next world will always be wrapped in mystery and there are many dogmas mainly based on religion, quantum physics or New Age spirituality about the afterlife. After Daniel had died I felt it was important for me to find more information about these beliefs but nothing was substantial enough to change my view that we cannot factually conceptualise something that is ultimately unknown.

I also have seen many poems and other inspirational pieces about our angel children in heaven – written out of love and from the heart with the intention to bring comfort rather than to give an academic insight.

About a week ago I saw this quote on Andrea's page No Empty Chairs, touching my heart possibly more than anything else that I ever have read about our eternal life. I cannot say that I intellectually agree with or specifically believe in this doctrine as taught by Joseph F Smith but his words will stay with me as a message of beauty, peaceful and heartwarming.

"The infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.' There is restitution, there is growth, and there is development, after the resurrection from death."

Andrea who has lost her little boy Wyatt added to it by saying "I love this truth. It speaks volume of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."

I know why I am so attracted to this learning. It is because nurturing Daniel was the most joyous, pleasurable and satisfactory experience that I will ever have and there nothing that I would want more than being given another chance to take care of Daniel.

Expecting Daniel

Being pregnant with Daniel…

• The photo was taken of me and Henry, four days before Daniel was born, not that I had any idea that his birth was so close – he wasn't expected in at least another few weeks
   
• The close bond between me and Daniel was formed while he was still in my womb when I was taught a self-hypnosis meditation technique specifically developed for expecting mothers to communicate with their unborn babies. Whenever I went into meditation to connect with Daniel he responded with special kicks. It filled me with the deepest of love and wonder to feel him making his "happy kicks" for me.
   
• His name was already decided on but while he was growing in my stomach, we (me, Henry and Alecia) lovingly called him D'alien. We couldn't wait for him to start his worldly journey and to see our little alien transform from the little thing on the ultrasound scans into our long awaited for baby brother.

Expecting Daniel was the most wonderful experience, as special as everything else was about him. I feel blessed that we were given the honour to be Daniel's family. He enriched our lives and he gave us in nearly four years, memories of pleasure, joy and happiness that will last a lifetime. Our love for him will never ever fade and we long for him every single day…our super special darling, the little D'Alien angel.