Love Will Never Die

In the book April Fool's Day Bryce Courtenay celebrates the life of his son Damon and describes the difficulties of coming to terms with his tragic death.

The postscript was written by Celeste, Damon's girlfriend:

Most of the time, I am extremely happy. I feel as though I have received a beautiful blessing, something that will last all my life. Sometimes, however, I still deeply long for the physical Damon, even though I feel him close to me all the time. He and I engage in a constant silent dialogue, a dialogue of thoughts and feelings rather than of words and touches. Some days I feel hopelessly old and a bit too wise for my years. I feel marked by the weight of my experience, rather than uplifted by my learning and love. And then Damon will rush into my thoughts and I will smile and lose my seriousness and be just like anybody else again. The lovely smiling image I have of Damon will remind me that love is an energy - it can neither be created or destroyed. It just is and always will be, giving meaning to life and direction to goodness. Our love will never die.

I am not exactly where she is but many of her touching words ring true for me - if I ever will be extremely happy in this life again, I cannot believe as my extreme happiness died the day I lost my Daniel.

Sky Writing

Charles could not make it to be with his son last year on Father's Day so I took these pictures (plus a few more) to send together with the Father's Day card that Daniel had made.

Daniel loved his Jay-Jay Jet Plane DVD that Charles gave to him and like his dad, Daniel was completely fascinated with the sky and this was the card he made:

It was completely Daniel's own idea. I gave him paper and different art stuff. He selected the stars and pasted it all over then took the pen to write between the stars. He explained that it was sky writing ( like in Jay-Jay Jet plane.

Another special expression from a most special little boy.

Pikkewyn

Daniel loved to sleep with his nose in the air, head back and mouth open and I think that was the reason why we started to call him our little Pikkewyn (Afrikaans for penguin).

It was one of the many special, unique things that Daniel did, constantly warming our hearts with his lovely presence and personality…..

There is also a special penguin song that I made up for Daniel. It is in Afrikaans (our first language) and he could never get enough of me singing it to him.

His entire being would show his joy and his enjoyment when he heard the familiar words came jingling from my heart...

Pikkewyn pikkewyn

Jou lieflike ding

Dis vir jou

Dis vir jou

Dis vir jou wat ek sing...

Mermaids

I dedicate my post today to my 2 Canadian friends Blake and Denise who are walking the same heartbreaking, challenging road than I do.

Blake has lost his son Joshua as a result of accidental drowning and I feel humble and inspired by the amazing work he does in order to create water safety awareness and stop young children from drowning, making the world a better place.

I quote from a message he wrote:

"We are in the most rotten club a person can belong to. I am going to try my best to lock the doors to this club and keep other families from joining. And I am going to teach the children to help me lock those doors"

Denise is my grief sister, a special friend, an angel. She cries with me and we share our thoughts, experiences, sad and happy memories and real life moments.

She taught me not to shy away from the symbols and signs that remind me of Daniel. She explained to me that it is Daniel’s way to tell me that he is with me and that I should embrace without fear all that symbolises Daniel's energy, like the penguins, mermaids, sea shells.

Today I bought a small beaded penguin that now drives around with me in my car and I started to smile whenever I see a pretty girl with long hair because Daniel said they were all mermaids. He loved mermaids and even Barbie and Brats dolls were mermaids and he would be very impressed if I covered his duvet and pillow with Alecia’s old Brats duvet cover and pillow case so that he could sleep and dream with the mermaids.

 "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each" 

- T.S Elliot -

The mermaid weaves a siren song that leads you to vision and mystery. Half woman, half fish, the lovely mermaid represents the power of our unconscious desires.

She gives us the power to seek beneath the waves of our emotions and dreams for the pearls that lie beneath, and she reminds us that unless we follow the truth our inner selves, then our lives are as ephemeral as sea foam.

Mermaids are symbolic of a happy and joyful time and of transmutation. They have been associated with love, intuition, hope and they live in the water realm which is the realm of the intuition, feeling, and the unconscious.

Dreams of mermaids come from deep within oneself and I often listen to the mermaids singing because they are, in fact, singing for me.

A Mother's Song

If snow falls
on the far field
where travelers
spend the night

I ask you cranes
to warm my child
in your wings

- Ancient Japanese Song -

Presence

Dearest Daniel

The American poet Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote: "The presence of that absence is everywhere."

I am conscious of your presence and your absence even when I sleep.

It is now 5 months that I have been living without you and in many ways it feels so wrong. How can the world keep on turning and I keep on breathing without you? You were and still are my world.

I remembered that I have the envelope holding the ribboned lock of your first haircut and a part of me pulls towards that envelope, to open it and to stroke the piece of golden brown hair but then I also know that my heart will break. Maybe one day.

I love you my darling and I imagine you in my arms. I feel your closeness and sweet energy and I kiss your head and beautiful face.

Take care my baby

Mamma