Sweet And Broken Dreams

We collected Daniel's things from storage last week, after nearly 19 months. It was something I wanted to do but I was also scared and I was not sure if I really was ready to open all those containers that I so randomly packed after Daniel had died. But I did it. I went through everything, took out the bits that I wanted and repacked the rest.

Some moments were heartbreakingly sad….his shoes still dusty from where he walked with me talking and holding my hand, his Winnie the Pooh school bag ready for the school year that never started, Christmas presents that he never was given a chance to play with, the Mickey Mouse cards that I bought our last time shopping together...

And some moments were painfully sweet...photos of him that I forgotten I had, a piece of paper with baby Daniel scribbles on it, the Dr Seuss books that Alecia read to Daniel so many times that the books and the "reading" became a mere formality as they both knew every word by heart.....

What can I see?
I see a bee.
Now a goat sees me!

An egg feels smooth.
A bush feels prickly.
Fluffy feathers feel soft and tickly!

A tasty lollypop!
Lovely cream!
Empty plate, licked clean!

I can hear a noise.
I can too.
What can we hear?
A king's KERCHOO!

Noses are for smelling.
Doughnuts smell sweet.
Lots of noses smelling owls' feet!

In total I believe it was the right time and the right choice to bring Daniel's things from storage. I feel lighter, more complete and some way closer to Daniel, which is good and difficult and painful.

I miss his physical presence, his breath, his life and in my heart I know the truth, the harsh reality that there is humanly nothing that anyone can do to ever substitute, repair or replace what Daniel, Henry, Alecia and I have lost.


Teresa said...

I so feel for you...((HUGS))

Andrea said...

My heart breaks for you. What a bitter sweet time. I wish I could come and visit you and cry along with you. Know that even though we live so far away my heart is breaking for you and what you have been through.
I opened up Wyatt's things today and just cried. Oh, how I miss him just like you miss your sweet Daniel. Know I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
Much love,

Preyan said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. The healing process happens over time and when the time is right. There are phases to get through and that could take days, months, years. You decide when is the right time but also know that you are in charge of the whole healing process. the healing process must take its course and happen at the right time. Its serves no purpose rushing the healing process, only for it to come back to you and haunt you one day!

I'm extremely proud of you for taking such a bold step! With what you have lost, and for you to share it with us, you are an admiration to me!!!

Peace! Love! Joy!
P (",)

Belinda said...

I feel for you. x