Reality

From an email I received this week:

What's is your facebook status? Basically happy? Or what? How are you doing?

From my reply:

My facebook on Monday said “Alison is taking deep breaths” on Tuesday it said “Alison is crying a river” and on Wednesday “Alison treasures the love” and today it says “Alison hopes that good things will happen today”….. I am still so sad about Daniel and I miss him more and more and more.

I am really battling at the moment and I often think of the sea calling me. It will be so much easier to end it all oppose to try and cope with the pain. An unbearable pain without cure and without end. How is it humanly possible to live with this?

Everything else around me (work, friends, life) goes well but nothing can and ever will balance the scale. My sad reality.

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo was one of Daniel's favourite movies and although he knew that Nemo was a clownfish he also called all other orange fish Nemo's and when he just started to talk they were Memo's.

I was with Henry and Alecia on the airport a few days ago where I bought a little stuffed soft toy Nemo for Alecia to take with her when she goes back to school. We fondly remembered the day when I had to take Henry to the airport. It was just before Daniel turned three and he was very sad and upset because Henry had to go and as a consolation I offered to buy him a foil character balloon.

Daniel loved these balloons and to make it easier for him to choose I said that he could select two. He first chose a Nemo and then he wanted an identical Nemo as his second choice. I was surprised but he insisted that he wanted the 2 Nemo's.

I paid and gave him his balloons and then my heart melted because Daniel looked at me and gave me one of them saying that it was mine. He wanted us to both have the same balloons because we were mammadaniel.

I know that I will keep on searching and keep on calling Daniel's name past the barriers of this life and into the worlds to come until the time that I can also say that I have found my child again.

Six Months

Dearest Daniel

I have started work again, six months after losing you. Everyone is happy for me and in a way I am happy too but I prefer the happiness I had with you. With you it was pure joy while this is a half happy mixed with a broken heart.

I look back at the last 6 months and see this empty space in time. I wonder how I managed to survive the personal tragedy of your death and how I came through the hellish days and lonely nights. How can I be alive knowing that you are dead? Knowing that you will never come back to this life of mine?

My fear is that I will forget some of the detail of the things you did and said, things like the one Winnie the Pooh pillow case that you called your "Winnie Pooh geldjie kussin". I am sure I would have forgotten about it had I not found a little list I made of the first of your things that I packed away after you died. Other items on the saddest list in the world are:

Your streep bers (striped blanket)

John Sena ball

Panda bear toothbrush

Henry's green dragon that you loved so much

Alecia's cream and pink soft toy cat

I pray that I will not forget a thing and that there is nothing about you erased from my memory forever…not that I will know

My darling, my dearest little Danieltjie, I miss you so much, more than words can tell. I want you, I want to be with you and I look forward for us to be together again.

I believe that you are okay where you are. I have to believe that with all my heart and soul. May that be true…that you are okay.

I still cry every day, when I am alone and when I drive in my car and a thousand times in between. I can't talk about you without tears in my eyes and it is most difficult to tell people that I have lost a precious child.

I love you. Always and I hold you my baby, closest to my heart and in my thoughts.

Mamma. Forever and ever.