When We Dream

When I am asked: "Alison, how are you doing?" I give all sorts of answers....

To someone who doesn’t know that I lost my Daniel and only ask me to be polite, I would say that I am fine. I know it is not true as I will never in my life be fine again but what else can I say?

To my friends that I haven’t seen in a while, I would say that life is treating me good and that I am as well as I possibly could be. Which is the truth. Or I will say that I am better and that I am doing ok. I omit that it is only a part of me that feels better and that I am doing ok only sometimes, not always.

But to really say how I am is difficult as I just don’t know. I am happy and I am sad together. It is an emotional paradox that leaves me confused and I find it too complex to unpack into something understandable. (So please forgive me if this post doesn’t make any sense, this would be why). 

I am happy because of those I call my loved ones – the people close to my heart who feel my pain and share in my laughter. I seek happiness and good moments not for myself but as something to give in return for the endless love, friendship and support I am receiving. Being happy (even while I am sad) is to show my gratitude and one of the best ways I can think of to say, I love you too.

And I am sad because I want my Daniel. I ache for him and for every day that I have lived so far without him. He is in my thoughts and in my heart all the time, regardless of what else I would be doing at the time. I cannot comprehend my future as even one more day without him feels impossibly long.

I often wonder how my life will unfold, if anything will change or if it will just be as it has been since I lost my child. Taking day by day, doing the things that need to be done while looking back in disbelief, wondering how I possibly made it this far with a heart as broken as mine and an inside ripped to pieces. No healing, no relief, no cure, just this unbearable pain.

I also know that Henry, Alecia, Daniel and I will always be. Nothing can destroy the love that we share or the bond that hold us close. We are more than everything and all that matters. 

We are us…MamaDanielLeciaNeni.


Groves said...

This makes so much sense. Not a strange post at all. There is life and there is joy - and there is always grief in that and it never leaves. It is impossible to answer the dreaded, "How are you?"

That is not a question I like. There is no easy answer, and most of the time when people say it, they want an easy answer.

Missing Daniel and never forgetting him here,

Cathy in Missouri

Shai said...

‎...thinking of you, Alison, and sending you love and light...xoxo

Hennie said...

jy is reg jy sal nooit weer dieselfde fine wees nie, maar eendag sal jy weer n nuwe soort fine wees. God Bless

Retha said...

Ai Alison dit is 'n pyn wat nooit in jou lewe sal weg gaan nie. Maar een ding moet jy altyd onthou al jou vriende bid vir jou. Ons lief jou baie

Teresa said...

Thinking of you, Daniel. What a sweet little face. I know you are very loved and missed. R.I.P. Love,

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful little guy. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Elison McAllaster said...

I relate to your feelings. I have struggled to trust in God that taking our teenage son Ricky away from us was part of His plan. I have found that writing about Ricky, and the signs he has shown us since his passing, have helped me come to terms with our loss.

Has writing your blog helped you as well?

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs.