Part of Me

A bit of where I am, nearly two and a half years after losing my Daniel (how it breaks my heart to think and to know of all these many days that I already have lived without my child).

Some days are better than others. I am not talking about the obviously very sad days like birthdays and anniversary days, I mean all the days in between are not the same. I may wake up and feel as overwhelmed by sorrow as I did that day when Daniel died. Or I may wake up and feel some lightness and peace woven into the sadness and it will be a happier day. Or I may feel it all in only one day.

There is no pattern to these different waves of emotion I experience and while there are times that my despair will be triggered by something that specifically reminds me of Daniel, the cause of my agony is mostly just my own awareness of my child’s death.

I mostly say that I’m okay when someone asks how I am. It is easier and less painful, for me and for the other person.

I am haunted by the day of Daniel’s death and the nightmare of having to relive every detail of it over and over again, and I am still unable to apply concepts of forgiveness, justice, right and wrong to my own , to Daniel’s death and to how Daniel’s father behaved towards me after Daniel’s death.

I am thankful for all the good in my life: my children, wonderful friendships to warm my heart, anything beautiful, moments of pleasure, things I enjoy, tiny steps towards peace, my dreams and hopes.

I miss Daniel. Two nights ago I fell asleep wrapped in Daniel’s blanket on a pillow wet with tears. I still hear his voice and I can recall every small detail of how he looked, the way his fingers folded into my hand, how his hair curled, how his skin felt, the exact shape of his legs, his sweet smell… my Daniel. I will always remember.

Namaste, dearest Daniel, my love for you will always be x x x


Groves said...

Oh, Daniel. The tie between your mother's heart and yours will never - can never - be broken. She loves you so much and it pours out of her. I miss you so; she misses you the most of all.

You are very, very, *very* missed, Daniel. You always will be.

The world is not complete without your son,

Cathy in Missouri

Anonymous said...

continue being strong. Daniel wants the best for you & you have the ability to honor his memory with positivity surrounding your every day life.

Teresa said...

Oh Alison, how I understand! Thinking of you, my friend. You said it very well...not sure we could make it without those gentler moments...pretty sure maybe not. It is just so hard--like I read somewhere, "Having a son in heaven changes everything!"

Brian said...

Be strong Alison, God promises that we all will meet again, you will be with your son someday again and that you can count on.. thinking of you and God Bless!