All The Time

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards: is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.


InfEnMa said...

And for sure you WERE together inside a star once upon a time!

I believe that girl and I believe in your love and sincerity.

Alison, I'd like to share with you the description of the 17th card in my Tarot deck which is Star.

In essence:
GRACE – beauty – inspiration – generosity – patience – receptivity – openness – flowing energy – harmony – contentment – gratitude

Inner message:
The ability to give is a gift from the divine. Once you realize how much life is pouring out to you, you cannot help but pass on what you are receiving constantly. You stop holding onto anything. Your life force flows and showers heart-energy on others. This creates a feeling of profound contentment and gratitude, it makes you give away your energy and affection even more freely, without expecting a return from outside of you. And in that you are filled again to overflowing with ever fresh supplies of divine energy. That's how the circle of giving and taking completes itself. And no one is an island. We are all inter-connected, be it as humans, animals or blades of grass. In reality all forms spring from the same, inexhaustibly generous source. In reality all is one!

Outward manifestation:
Traditional Native American 'Pow Wows' illustrate the significance of the Star most vividly. All clans and tribes gather once a year to celebrate, share news, stories, their good fortune, their pain, and whatever they own. Only the best is offered here, since it is considered an honor to be able to give.
The Star reminds you of your own gifts, whatever they may be. Perhaps you have a talent to listen to others with undivided attention, or to show your empathy and emanate love. These are some of the inner riches you can share, though in some cases a material gift may be most appropriate. Make no distinctions! If you can give full-heartedly, your wealth is immeasurable. Whoever cannot give without strings attached is poor, no matter how much he may possess. With the help of the Star, the power of giving and sharing flows through you now, touching others, spreading gratitude all around.

Yes, I do believe Daniel is a star now.

Nicola said...

So sad.

A friend said...

Dear Alison,

I have been following your blog for quite a while - and I noted here and then changes in your mood, in your sadness and readiness to cope with the needless death of your beloved child.

Months ago, there was already an entry about the comforting star idea - and this idea of a star is very pleasant as you will be close to Daniel in eternity... You were considering committing suicide as a way to be fast close to your youngest. And you didn't - what made me glad.

I think the loss of a child is the worst thing which can happen to parents. And the world (people, friends...) which environs us is sometimes just 'overstrained' as they do not understand, they can not understand ... that specific level of sadness and sorrow.

And I feel those waves in yourself of doing better and tumbling down again - will it ever disappear? Probalby not - unfortunately.

Is there a remedy, my friend? Time, may be, oblivion, definetely not, sweet memories, hopefully, 'substitution' (I put that in quotes) - a possible way out as it may absorb your loneliness, your feeling of having failed, of not having protected your son properly. The latter is comprehensible - as a human being - however, not less nonsense. The accountability that Daniel lost his young life had someone else (apparently his father if I understood your blog correctly). If I were you I was considering to adopt a child or to care for 'foster child' - depending on your individiual situation and local laws. I am pretty sure that that would cure some of your deep trauma.

Two or three entries earlier, I became the impression that you would start to free your negative feelings and thoughts around the loss of Daniel. I would like to encourage you to continue that road...

Deepest sympathy from a close friend

Groves said...

Thinking of Daniel, thinking of you. Always.

See his picture *every* day.

You are not forgotten.

With love,

Cathy in Missouri