My Decision

This is a letter that I wrote to Charles when after 3 years of absence, he asked to have contact with Daniel.

We were never married and legally he had no access or visitation rights to Daniel. But was it my right to deny my son having a dad? I thought it was the right thing to forgive Charles all hurt and injustice that he caused us before and I welcomed as Daniel's dad into our precious world. But with that came my fear that he would try and take Daniel away from me...regardless of his multiple promises that he never would.

"Dear Charles

In respect of you being Daniel's father, the first three years of Daniels life was easy for me in the sense that I didn't have any decisions to make about having you as part of Daniel's world. You have made the decision not to be involved and I had no choice but to accept and respect your choice. Of course I was concerned about Daniel not knowing who his dad was and how and what I would tell him about you as he grew up and started to understand; but I also felt very safe and secure in the knowledge that Daniel was always in my care, with me and that no one could come and take him away from me.

As you know even the briefest thought of life without Daniel is completely unbearable and I truly belief that if losing Daniel should ever become a reality I would die.

When you contacted me after 3 years asking to be a dad for Daniel I was (like I still am) so scared that you would try and take Daniel away from me regardless of you promise that you would never do it. I had to force myself to put my own fears and emotions aside and to look at what would be best for Daniel: I was happy that Daniel had a father and that his father was you – a person I know he can be proud of, now and in the years to come. I have always known that you have to ability to make a positive contribution in Daniel's life.

I pray every day that I see things in the right way and that my peace about having you as part of Daniel's world would be bigger than my fear and pain of letting Daniel go. I pray that I made the right decision to allow you back into our beautiful child's life and that you will come to us as a healer and not a violator.


It took only a few months from writing this letter to the day when Charles took Daniel from my arms and then two more days for Charles to return Daniel to me, cold and lifeless, ready to be taken away to the morgue.

I often wonder how my life would have been had I chosen not to allow Charles into Daniel's life. While I continue to heal the questions and the nightmares will haunt me forever. I didn't die after Daniel had died but I bear the burden of my decisions, the cross of losing Daniel every painful second of every day and every night, for the rest of my life.


debbie said...

Hi, Alison. Just thinking of you. I have no idea what to write about this post - it's just heartbreaking. You are obviously such a good person for forgiving and selflessly choosing to give your son the experience of having his father in his life. You don't deserve anything that has happened. Daniel is so beautiful.. Love you! Debbie

Belinda said...

Alison, reading that letter that you wrote to Daniel`s Dad, was really hard. I tried to put myself in your shoes, and you did the compassionate thing by allowing a relationship to start happening between a Father and his Son. It must of been really hard, for you to allow him back, after he left. I can also understand your pain, and anger that you ... See Moremust feel now, after what happened. My friend, this is really a hard, long road for you. And, if anyone says that it is easy, I don`t believe them. Losing a precious child, must be one of the hardest, saddest things in the whole wide world. I feel your pain, and your longing with you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and thoughts, and one day I know that our paths will surely cross, and we can have a nice spiritual talk over a cup of coffee. x

Michael said...

Your decision was totally unselfish, with Daniels best interests at heart. My life is racked with guilt Alison, there is nothing worse. You made the decision you made because you are a beautiful person who loved her son, there is no negativity attached, for you are not capable of it. You have to deal with the fact that it was definitely not your fault, and once again because you are so kind, you look for a way to blame yourself. You are not at fault my love. I have the photos of you and Daniel on my phone still, and think of you often, all my love, Michael.